Miss wilmington, usa 30 years-old It's complicated
Today while at my job as a store clerk, I walked by a family. I smiled at their little boy, who responded by flipping me off. As I was walking away, I looked back in time to catch his dad give him a high-five. FML
Today, I was chatting online with several relatives, discussing our family reunion. Bored out of my mind, I clicked to rename the conversation to "Boring shit with almost dead people." I didn't know it'd rename it for everyone. FML
Today, I woke up at my cousin's house after staying the night. I went into the bathroom like I usually do and shut the door. Apparently the door lock on this bathroom doesn't function properly. I discovered this when my 4-year-old cousin walked in on me putting a tampon in. FML
Today, after spending months learning Chinese, selling my house and everything I own for my big transfer to Hong Kong, my boss decided I should instead go to our other branch across town. FML
Today, I came home from work to find white fabric and crystals all over the apartment floor. I followed the trail of destruction to my bedroom, where my roommate had left our closet door open. Apparently, her cats decided that my wedding gown was to be their newest conquest. FML
Today, I needed a change of clothes, so I called my mom. She brought me a grey shirt with a toucan on the front and 'Mexico City' spelled in glitter. I asked her why she would bring me such an ugly shirt, and she started crying. Turns out she'd bought it for me as a present from her trip. FML
Today, I came back to my apartment after moving most of my stuff out. Upon returning, I learned that my now ex-roommate drank all of my alcohol and threw away my things, thinking that I had forgotten them. FML
Today, I received a lovely letter from the council telling me I have to cease the act of "breeding and selling cats" because someone from my Facebook reported me. I'm pretty sure I've never owned a cat or had one in my house. FML
Today, I found out that my parents spent all of the money in my college fund to pay for my cat to be flown to LA and audition for a movie. FML
Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old son apparently practicing his oral sex skills on the crotch of one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML
Today, I was moving to my new apartment. I left some furniture outside as I drove to dump the first load at my new place. When I got back, everything was gone. Apparently, today is the day the donation truck was coming around to take everything we don't need. FML
Today, while I was hanging out with a cute girl, I slapped her ass playfully. She told me that she was going to get me back. She slapped my ass later that night unexpectedly while I was holding in a huge fart... It came out. FML
Today, after a long and stressful day, I started fooling around with my boyfriend. When we finally got to the main event, I found out that we couldn't, because he'd used all his condoms to make water balloons. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML
Today, after my grandma did some early Halloween costume shopping, I witnessed her modeling a "sexy nurse" outfit. After seeing her bare thighs and most of her ass, I don't think I can eat cottage cheese ever again. FML
Today, I went with my boyfriend to his church youth group for the first time. I found out a girl there likes him, when she decided to pull me off him while we were hugging, and take my place. FML
Today, I got married. The officiant of the ceremony referred to me as Amanda through my ceremony. My name is Anna. FML
Today, a customer was paying for his food. As he placed the money in my hand, he said, "Careful, those coins are sticky." I asked why. He replied, "You know, male stuff." FML
Today, it was my first time having a make out session with my boyfriend. I got so nervous that a few minutes into it, I had to stop to take my inhaler. This happened twice more afterwards. FML
Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML
Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML
Today, feeling bored and lonely, I drove into town to wander around the shops and go to Subway for lunch. While there, I picked up two trays and put one on the opposite side of the table, along with some of my rubbish, to make it look like I was with someone. FML
Today, I tried to catch a train to get to my new job. I was stopped and told that I needed a pre-purchased ticket to enter the platform. The only way to get the ticket, they said, was by buying one on the platform. I arrived by taxi nearly an hour late for my first day. FML
Today, trying to be romantic, I started coming on to my wife while in bed, only for her to yet again say she wasn't in the mood. When I asked why she never is lately, she sarcastically blamed it on the government shutdown, then rolled over to go to sleep. FML
Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML
Today, after paying back the money my grandma lent me to fix my car, I stepped outside, only to see my car leaking antifreeze all over the driveway. I had to ask for the money back to fix it again. FML
Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML
Today, after almost two days, I finally fell asleep, during my husband's vows, on our wedding day, in front of 250 guests. FML
Today, I went home after work with my best friend who I am also secretly in love with. We had a few drinks, were getting touchy, and one thing led to another. Before leaving, I got the courage to ask her out on a real date. Her only reply was, "I don't want to lose such a good friend." FML
Today, I was cuddling my new boyfriend, when he went in to kiss me for the first time. Sadly, I reflexively kneed him in the balls. FML
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