Omaha NE, USA 30 years-old
Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML
Today, I was on the bus, it hit a bump on the road and made me hit a elderly man. The bus driver thought I did it on purpose and made me get off. FML
Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML
Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML
Today, my assistant manager was arguing with a customer. I interjected letting the customer know that "we want everything to be copacetic." After the customer left, I received a write up for using "big words." FML
Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck, and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML
Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML
Today, I realised how poor I am when I found myself fishing out a two dollar coin someone had left behind in a public toilet bowl. FML
Today, as I was driving home from work, a bird decided to commit suicide by flying in front of my car. The shock caused me to slam on the brakes, totaling three other cars in the process. FML
Today, while pensively thinking up my next awesome Facebook status over dinner, I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get a life. FML
Today, at work I tried to help an old man by opening the door for him. He flipped me off because I was wearing a Kansas State University shirt. FML
Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML
Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML
Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML
Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I'm German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, my teacher laughed at the "irony." Something like this always happens whenever I tell people my background. FML
Today, my husband told me I was lucky to have someone who would love me no matter what my vagina smelled like. FML
Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML
Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML
Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML
Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML
Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML
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