Mr 32 years-old Single
Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML
Today, I decided I was done waiting for my boyfriend to ask me to marry him, so we were cuddling in his bed and I asked him. He asked for a rain check. FML
Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML
Today, I learned how to wolf-whistle properly, and then learned what it feels like to be slapped on the head. FML
Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML
Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML
Today, I'm a graduate but still an unpaid intern. My daily work is folding letters and putting them into envelopes. The sad thing is, I actually enjoy doing it. FML
Today, I found out that my dad has been trying to take money out of my savings account to pay for divorce fees and a hammock. FML
Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML
Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML
Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML
Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML
Today, the old lady I've been taking care of and running errands for died. She hadn't paid me yet. FML
Today, I couldn't prove my son has had chickenpox, so his school gave us the option of getting a potentially dangerous shot he didn't need, pay for an expensive blood test to show that he previously had the virus, or sign a waiver stating I'm a religious nut refusing medical treatment. FML
Today, I dislocated my collarbone while trying remove my bra without taking off my shirt. FML
Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML
Today, one of my students corrected the problem I had solved on the board, explaining that you do multiplication before subtraction. I teach the second grade. FML
Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML
Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML
Today, my mom got drunk and told me to leave the house because "I've been mooching off her for too long". I'm 14 and now am sleeping at my friends house. FML
Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML
Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML
Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML
Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML
Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML
Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML
Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML
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