Deep in the Melk Mountains 79 years-old
Today, I woke up to the realization that the 2-hour nap I wanted to take before I went out with my friends last night was actually a 12-hour nap. I missed everything. FML
Today, I was so bored, I sewed my name into my underwear. FML
Today, it was my first day at the fire station. Naturally, we all went out and got lunch together. I normally don't handle spicy food well, but sucked it up. About ten minutes after we finished, I got up to do rookie duties when someone slapped me in the back. I forcefully vomited all over my new Lieutenant. FML
Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML
Today, I told my dad that for Halloween I'm going to be an '80s workout Barbie. He just looks at me and says, "Yeah as the 'before' picture". FML
Today, while up in my room getting ready to go out, I thought I heard some trick or treaters knocking on the door. I ignored them because I didn't have any candy. The knocking got louder and longer. I walked downstairs, and noticed that the living room ceiling was falling down onto the floor. FML
Today, I started talking to a friend about how he needs to stop overreacting and getting angry very easily. He kicked sand up in the air, and it came back into his eyes. He started getting angry, and when I told him this is what I was talking about, he hit me in the nose. FML
Today, my water wouldn't go down my shower drain. Confused, I stuck a metal stick expecting hair, but instead stabbed and pulled up a rat that was dead in my drain. FML
Today, at 4 a.m., I remembered that I had not studied for my Spanish exam. I panicked, jumped out of bed, and frantically began searching for my notebook. It wasn't until I destroyed my desk and woke up my roommate that I realized that I'm not enrolled in Spanish this semester. It was a nightmare. FML
Today, I found out that the person sending me secret love letters was actually my dad, who felt sorry for me. FML
Today, I was at a family party and everyone was seeing my new glasses for the first time. My 48 year old uncle told me that I look like a hot librarian and then grabbed my ass. He was still sober. FML
Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in our house had already opened theirs, and had all gone to bed. FML
Today, my mom held an intervention for me. Yesterday, I told her I'd tried pot once. Seven years ago. FML
Today, I was rejected for a job I really wanted, they said I didn't have enough experience. I designed the systems they are implementing. FML
Today, I was going out with my supermodel-gorgeous friend, so I put extra effort into looking good. I thought I looked pretty good, but when we got to the subway station, a drunk old man looked at us and loudly announced, "That's always the way it is, there's a fit one and an ugly one." FML
Today, I found out that my mom is not only reading my mail, but she is also withholding letters from my bank, college, and insurance company. Why? Because "they could be inappropriate" for me to read. I'm 25. FML
Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn't work. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML
Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML
Today, I saw two cute girls walking my way as I was parking my car. Trying to impress them, I got out and attempted to coolly walk to the sidewalk. I tripped on the curb, scraped both my knees, and was laughed at all the way until I got back inside my car. FML
Today, I was at work on a smoke break. I work at a truck stop, and it was around 2 a.m. Some old man pulled in and asked me if I would like to join him for some dinner. I said no, and told him I was working. He replied, "How much do you charge?" Apparently, even in sweats I look like a hooker. FML
Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML
Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML
Today, I finally mustered up the guts to ask this girl I like to dinner and a movie. She agreed on the terms that she could bring someone, and I'd said it wouldn't be a problem. When I met up with her a few hours later, I found out she'd brought her boyfriend. FML
Today, I had a headache when I woke up for school. I had final exams that day, so I took what I thought were 2 advils. They were two sleeping pills. FML
Today, I started an awesome job with competitive pay. I also found out that the place is closing its doors in June. FML
Today, my boss finally pronounced my name correctly. My name was then followed by the words, "You're fired." FML
Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML
Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML
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