Today, I was teaching my 4 year-old daughter about "stranger danger" and how to deal with it. Later that day, we went out and since I didn't buy her a ice cream, she kept screaming "STRANGER DANGER!" A total stranger tackled me until the cops arrived. FML
Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML
Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML
Today, everyone at the office was finally presented with the bonuses our boss had promised to pay us by the end of last year. Turns out he was never authorized to promise any such thing, so he ended up just giving us signed "thank you" letters instead. FML
Today, while driving out to the countryside with my new boyfriend, we came across a deer lying in the road. It seemed badly hurt, but instead of letting me get out and make sure, my boyfriend decided to just run over its head to finish it off, then continued driving with a smirk on his face. FML
Today, my girlfriend admitted to my best friend that she basically just sees me as a dildo with annoying emotions. FML
Today, I went to a restaurant with my friend, where my credit card got denied in front of everyone. The staff teased me and made me sit in the restaurant while my friend begged for money outside. FML
Today, I was at my retail job and we had to change the mannequin's outfit. I had to hold her while my manager grabbed the new outfit. I rested my head on her naked plastic chest, and it was the closest I've got to affection in years. FML
Today, I realized that because of my construction job, I have spent such a huge amount of time with older, cynical guys that I keep uncontrollably using the phrase "fucking kids these days" regularly like an idiot. I'm 18. FML
Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML
Today, a customer came into our store and asked if we sold "child-sized coffins". This isn't even the weirdest question I've been asked. FML
Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML
Today, I actually uttered the words, "Those are my good sweatpants." FML
Today, I finally decided to get my five-year-old son a rabbit, so I explained to him how to take care of it. When I'd finished listing all the things he'd have to do, he replied, "That's too complicated... Couldn't we just eat it instead?" FML
Today, I started watching porn in my room with the volume muted. A minute later, my dad knocked on the door, so I closed everything and called him in. He just said, "Son, you disgust me." and walked out. Now I'm too paranoid to use my own computer. FML
Today, my boss yet again said she was "literally dying", after she watched a funny video online. Long story short, I'm now on her shitlist because I couldn't help but point out that she clearly wasn't dying, and that her ranting was distracting me from doing actual work. FML
Today, I was on my way to my first job interview in months. I wasn't even halfway to the place when a bunch of cockbites in a car drove past and hurled a bucket of paint out the window, drenching me and several other people on the street. FML
Today, I was chewed out by a lady who claimed the laptop she bought wouldn't turn on, and that she wanted a refund. She yelled and shoved the laptop at me, not even listening when I told her I didn't even work at that store. FML
Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody, and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned broodmare." FML
Today, at my job at a fast-food restaurant, I once again got called into the men's bathroom to break up sex between two homeless people. FML
Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML
Today, my idiot sister had to have her aged dog put down, then she posts on MY Facebook page, "RIP, Buddy, we'll miss you." My adult children and most of my friends thought I died. FML
Today, I had to kick my own father out of my house after he started attacking my wife for breastfeeding our newborn son in the living room. All the way to the door, he ranted that, "You don't see me whipping my dick out and pissing in front of everyone, do you?" FML
Today, I had to take my daughter home from school because she had been caught flashing the boys during class. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't an appropriate way to act or behave but she interrupted me, "Mom, you don't even understand." You're right. I don't. FML
Today, I finally had a date, my first one in well over a year. Everything was going good, until my date asked, "Do you like cats or dogs better?" When I responded cats, my date promptly got up and left, saying, "This isn't meant to be." FML
Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML
Today, my daughter admitted why her grades, which are usually straight A's, have been slipping the past few weeks. Turns out she has been deliberately failing tests to avoid becoming valedictorian, so she won't have to deliver a speech at graduation. FML
Today, five minutes before closing, a woman came in to buy over $300 worth of clothing from the sales rack. My manager and I had to ring it all up, de-sensor it, fold it, bag it, etc. After it was all rung up, her credit card was declined. FML
Today, an old lady fell in the street, and I rushed to help her. As I tried to help her to her feet, she started screaming, "She pushed me! She pushed me!" I froze up in shock, and ended up being chased by some guy who thought I'd attacked her. FML
Today, my boss bitched me out for doing some random web browsing while waiting for some documents I needed to arrive, then went back to his desk and went on Facebook, thinking I couldn't see. FML
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