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Gross out

By Autocorrected - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Philippines - Makati

Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 822

You deserved it 3 482

Pranks gone awry

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50 metres down the street so that I would be confused when I came out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 608

You deserved it 3 453

Great timing, dude

By misswhiskers - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to a text message from my boyfriend, breaking up with me. When I commented on his impeccably bad timing, he admitted he'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 529

You deserved it 3 447

What's my rating?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I'm deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 185

You deserved it 2 646

I just can't hide it

By doomeddaddy - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 543

You deserved it 3 320

Quite the hobby

By chellegbelle - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Graham

Today, I found out my neighbor collects body-bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 702

You deserved it 4 005

Busting makes me feel good

By thewordsicantsay - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class, I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 870

You deserved it 3 446

The trap

By fuckendog - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Australia - Virginia

Today, I was cooking bacon while my dog watched me, drooling. I thought this was funny and I teased her a bit. I then slipped in the drool as I was carrying the bacon and she got to enjoy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 291

You deserved it 56 250

Curious minds

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Pratt

Today, I told my boyfriend the dentist said my blood pressure was high. He was more interested in the fact that the dentist took my blood pressure than my blood pressure being high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 797

You deserved it 10 878

Whadda you mean?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my partner and I were spending quality time with a newly single friend. She quoted some song lyrics, saying, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife…" We all laughed, and then my partner said, "Boy, you got THAT right." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 548

You deserved it 3 980

Absolute beginner

By scardeycat13 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went snowboarding for the first time. I was so scared that I passed out. I was only on the kiddie hill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 500

You deserved it 10 917

Healthy lifestyle choices

By missy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Italy

Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 126

You deserved it 9 718

Freak out

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 475

You deserved it 3 623

Cats rule

By Respect101 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Alvin

Today, I was talking to my boss about dogs and cats. I'm a dog person; he's a cat person. He told me that he likes cats better, because they are laid back and don't do anything all day. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Just like you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 874

You deserved it 27 919

Freaky

By death bed - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I finished my shift at the nursing home. There was too much snow on the roads, so most of us had to stay overnight. Not only did I not get to go home, I also got stuck sleeping in the same bed that a resident had died in the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 745

You deserved it 2 558

My personal Gettysburg

By Earthboundb - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I just got back from a Civil War Reenactment in Virginia, my first big event in years. I spent over $200 on gas and food, and had to drive for over 10 hours both ways from Massachusetts. When I finally got there I realized I had left my uniform at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 372

You deserved it 61 911

Reputation

By LadyLuck - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to go visit my beloved husband in the hospital. As I went past the nurses' station, I heard them talking about "the bastard in room 303." I went on to visit my husband… in room 303. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 286

You deserved it 5 468

Tiger-ed out

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Truckee

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo, because she loves tigers. Correction: she used to love tigers, until one sprayed urine on her from a distance of four meters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 761

You deserved it 5 522

Thanks, officer

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Wallingford

Today, I was mugged. I saw a cop car in the aftermath and flagged it down. Unfortunately, when the cops stopped the mugger, he said he'd been running away because I tried to mug him. Apparently the fact that he was "well-dressed" and I wasn't means he was telling the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 503

You deserved it 3 286

Spooked

By awkwardpartybear - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to a figure holding a knife above me. After I screamed in terror, the figure burst into laughter. It was my mom. She did this as payback for me not washing the dishes last night after making food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 251

You deserved it 17 803

It'll be drones these days

By Ace - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, my brother tried to give my dog a walk by attaching an RC helicopter to the leash and following him while flying it. He broke the RC helicopter which cost 300 dollars, and we had to search for the dog for 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 598

You deserved it 9 068

Fierce kitty

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Miami

Today, I'm in training at an animal shelter. There's an adorable tiny kitten there, which my boss said not to touch because it's feral. "No way he's dangerous!" I said, reaching into the cage to pet it. It struck like a cobra and tore up my arm. My first on-the-job injury is from a KITTEN. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 302

You deserved it 32 532

Roll with it

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom rolled up the car window on my fingers. She thought my yelling and crying was because I was throwing a tantrum. I'm 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 840

You deserved it 4 090

Mission impossible

By isaidfuckoff - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my girlfriend came back from her mission trip with hickies all over her boobs. She said it wasn't cheating because she was doing God's work and that they canceled each other out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 913

You deserved it 2 892

Smells like strip spirit

By m…… - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, we went to the mall and my husband picked me out some perfume. When I asked him why he liked that particular one, he responded with, "That's what's the stripper at my bachelor party was wearing." He was completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 141

You deserved it 4 312

Erm, thanks?

By ninnang - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boss delivered some flowers and a sympathy card signed by everyone in the office to my cubicle. The card said, "Sorry your mom died." My mom isn't dead. I don't know where they got the idea from and no one believes me. They said that denial is part of grieving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 505

You deserved it 3 584

Busted

By newniece - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 438

You deserved it 2 622

Gossip and tea

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 353

You deserved it 3 539

Been there, done that

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - New Ulm

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 318

You deserved it 4 682

Running

By fmrunning - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I completed my 6-month training program for a track competition this weekend. I went to the park to run anyways because I needed some air after my boyfriend broke up with me. After one lap, my neighbor's 130 lb dog ran across the soccer field and jumped on me to say hi. My leg is broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 113

You deserved it 4 616

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I baked strawberry muffins for my family, putting half a strawberry on each of them. Only when it was too late did I realize that they looked like extremely creepy breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 199

You deserved it 7 441

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 530

You deserved it 3 456

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 051

You deserved it 7 740

Today, I was working my job at Sephora when I overheard two women talking. One of them asked her friend, "Is being pretty a requirement to work here?" Her friend turned to see me, turned back to her friend and said, "I guess not." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 032

You deserved it 3 269

Today, I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney's Camp Rock soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed play, only to realize that my headphones weren't plugged in all the way. Everone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas' voice coming from my phone. I am 40 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 130

You deserved it 68 246

Today, as I sat on the toilet, I heard a noise outside. I peered through the window and found myself staring directly at my neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 221

You deserved it 245