Winter Fashion Struggles

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling in bed talking about our future wedding coming up. He leaned over seductively to tell me he got a present for me to ‘use’ on our wedding day. It was a pack of breath mints. FML

And today, on Dr Phil…

Instadrama

QUIET PLEASE

By thanksbaby - United States

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Today, I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Hello? Hello?

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Today, my roommate drew a giant red penis and scrotum on our refrigerator, using what he thought was a dry erase marker. It was a permanent marker. I just renewed my lease. I get to look at a red penis every day for the next year and a half. FML

By Will - United States

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Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days...I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML

By Telemistake - United States

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Today, I kissed my 3.5 GPA goodbye because my English teacher was too caught up planning her parrot's birthday party to put in the credit I deserve for three different essays I completed for her class. FML

By leahkasscar - United States

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Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother. FML

By Tim - United States

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Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

By fuck - United States - Hubert

Caught

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Today, my daughter locked herself in the bathroom having a tantrum after her boyfriend dumped her. So, out of sheer desperation, I had to sit in the kitchen sink for a pee, which is when my husband walked in with his mother and sister. FML

By Anonymous - 21/7/2020 17:01

Bad timing

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Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

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Today, I'm a full-time Investment Portfolio Analyst at one of the largest groups. It has been my dream job and I worked my ass off. I'm one of the best analysts there and people like me. Also, I haven't slept properly for 3 months, without a single day off. I'm about to get mentally sick. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 17:00

Some dream…

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Today, my boyfriend let me know that when we met, he wouldn't have even talked to me if I was as fat as I am now. But lucky for me, he stays with me because, "there's love or something." FML

By emopoe - United States

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Today, I turned 22, without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. In fact, the only phone call I received all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML

By Ondskansgris - Sweden

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Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the "I know I'm not your mother..." speech. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, it's been 3 weeks of being sick with gastritis and constantly feeling pain and weak. I've been pushing myself to work, and despite doing 150+ files, my boss said it’s not good enough for the company and hinted I might be let go. I got my job during the pandemic and might be losing it after 3 months. FML

By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 14:02 - Singapore - Singapore

No Gods, No Masters

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Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

By IsThisRealLife - United Kingdom

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Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

By coloneltushfinger

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Today, I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypophobia. We had to stop before I had a panic attack. FML

By Ackno

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Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, my boyfriend of 2 years responded to my opening up about how I felt like I was always put on the back burner, was to ghost me for a week, and break up via text. Don't worry though, we can still be friends and maybe later, when he's ready, start the relationship again. FML

By VoodooPriestess - 28/11/2020 14:02

What a catch

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Today, I realized that my coach doesn't close the door and the blinds to perform half-naked body checks (to make sure his team is in shape) on anyone else but me. FML

By MaKaDa - United States

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Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML

By shit streak

KoBabe

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Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office. When I came back out I noticed a bum in the front seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out, he stumbled off. I was then slapped with a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML

By John - Australia

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Today, at work as a cashier, I was scanning cantaloupes. The man buying them then looked me straight in the eye and said, "Nice melons." FML

By Nice Melons - United States

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Today, I had to deliver pizza to a nudist colony. I got an eyeful of more than I needed to see. FML

By Dlord357 - United States

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Today, I was browsing the internet and I found a picture of my girlfriend on uglypeople.com. FML

By HeatoN - Germany

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Today, I got an email from my cousin to "save the date" for her baby shower. It's on my 21st birthday. This is the same cousin who got engaged on my 18th. FML

By littlestardramaq - United Kingdom

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Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

By Anonymous - United States

Observation

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Today, I got my belly button pierced. The guy put a small dot with a sharpie right above the center of my belly button so he knew exactly where to pierce. I also have a small freckle noticeably to the left of center of my belly button. Guess which one he pierced through. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I told my 13 year old daughter that she was grounded from using her phone. Later on, I get an important call regarding a job that I have been after. After I'd picked up the phone, my daughter starts screaming "HELP! RAPE! HELP!" on the other phone. I don't think I'll be getting the job. FML

By MGZ - United States

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Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

By ehwat - United States

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Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on the job. After his mom finally got home 4 hours later, he called her a slut. When he got in trouble for it, he claimed that I taught him the word. Needless to say, I didn't get paid. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Clayton

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Today, as a respected artist I was running a workshop with a bunch of rowdy college kids. I was in the middle of demonstrating a painting technique when I accidentally washed my paintbrush in my coffee instead of my paint water. They waited until I then drank from it to burst out in hysterics. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

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Today, the guy I really love, and who apparently loves me too, told me he just can’t be with me because he’s moving away to buy an oyster farm. FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2021 21:30

The world is your oyster

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Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn't know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

By Sally - United States

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Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, l was crouched on the ground in the doorway at a haunted mansion. It's part of my job here to scare the people passing by. A 12 year old girl walked by, I grabbed her leg, and she kicked me in the face. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

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Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML

By broke and hungry - United States - West New York

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Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document and a lizard shot out of the printer right out at me. Gives a whole new meaning to a Canon printer, a fricking lizard Canon. FML

By Canonlizardjet - United States - Ormond Beach

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Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

By Anonymos_fmler - United States - Franklin Park

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