Winter Fashion Struggles

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Extreme late fees

The Summoner

By what - 11/6/2015 22:46 - United States - Livermore

29849

2092

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

By Prodigy - 11/2/2010 14:07 - United States

31140

7888

Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML

By jellybean_94 - 15/8/2009 04:33 - Canada

137138

7331

Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML

By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 07:45 - United States

11165

23668

Today, after a dangerous and painful emergency caesarean, I received an SMS from a guy I turned down for a date, saying he was crying and so excited to meet 'our' baby. I've barely even shaken hands with this guy. FML

By marriedlesbian - 12/2/2019 16:00

2341

215

Today, my dad and I were at the grocery store buying toilet paper. As we walk out I see these two attractive guys that I know. My dad gets that I think they're cute, so he shouts "Hey babe, how's your stomach feeling now? Will this be enough for you?" They walk away laughing. FML

By Krissy. - 31/3/2009 07:04 - United States

75600

4962

Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 07:10 - United States

26594

3534

Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the corner of my eye. It was a birthmark. The same one that has been there for the last 23 years. FML

By lct722 - 16/3/2012 05:54 - Canada

10753

23116

Today, I was making out with a guy I really like. Midway through, he stopped and said he had to sneeze. After waiting several seconds, he said the urge went away and we kept making out. Ten seconds later, he violently sneezed in my open mouth. FML

By Achoo - 15/10/2009 07:07 - United States

38787

5100

Today, my best friend and I were playing Call of Duty, when he said he had to go to the bathroom. Curious, I checked his phone. A text message read, "Tell your friend you're going to the bathroom and come eat. Pizza is here." from his dad. Apparently, I'm not good enough to feed. FML

By Pizza-less - 4/9/2011 04:16 - United States

40485

7978

Today, my husband and I went to the store. Because we have no car, we had to walk four miles in the 115 fahrenheit weather. It didn't click until we were standing outside the door with a metric shit-tonne of ice-cream, that we'd have to tear ass back home to keep it all from melting. FML

By Anonymous - 1/7/2012 17:09 - United States

8232

30067

Today, at work, the chest freezer was accidentally turned off. I work at a vet and the freezer is our morgue. It got opened before anyone realized the contents had thawed. FML

By boopingsnoot - 5/8/2017 20:00

Ready for the grill!

4908

302

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

By laury - 9/5/2012 02:05 - Canada - Port Elgin

37371

3573

Today, my dog used my stomach as a trampoline to jump onto the couch. I wouldn't have minded so much if I wasn't still recovering from having my appendix removed. FML

By hmb - 16/9/2010 18:50 - United States

35967

2887

Today, I cleaned my computer screen for the first time in ages. When I turned it on a few hours later, I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out why the brightness was suddenly so painfully high. FML

By strokingitasitype - 7/4/2012 19:12 - Canada - Gander

7594

27438

Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML

By unit - 7/7/2010 04:19 - United States

11829

39899

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Saint Paul

High Times

1649

114

Today, my younger brother watched an old music video of The Who, who are know for smashing up their guitars and such. He decided it would be cool to try it with mine. That guitar was worth over $3000. FML

By FML4evs - 10/4/2009 02:43 - United States

85620

4652

Today, it snowed. So, a guy I like and I decided to go sledding. I really wanted to impress him by going down the hill and casually slowing down at the bottom right at his feet. Instead, I crashed into him and broke his ankle. FML

By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 03:32 - United States

10806

35564

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

By ShakeRattleHiss - 20/4/2011 15:25 - Canada

35073

4709

Today, I drove my drunk sister home after a wild night of partying. She did not go to bed as I expected; instead, she laid in the bathtub and cried every time I left her. Now it's 3AM, and she's using her bra as a lasso for various objects in the room. The best part is I work in 4 hours. FML

By eddie818 - 10/6/2012 07:54 - Canada - Sidney

30113

3151

Today, I helped my girlfriend pick out a pretty dress for a corporate event. It turns out the first use it was going to see was a date with her side dick. FML

By Steve - 13/9/2017 04:30

5184

359

Today, I was talking to my friend, who was telling me he's having suicidal thoughts lately. He then said he'd be back in a few minutes. Nearly an hour passed. I panicked, thinking he'd offed himself. Several minutes after I called the emergency services, he messaged me, saying "K, back." FML

By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 06:49 - United Kingdom - Middlewich

28325

3201

Today, while in a hospital waiting room, a man started talking to me. After a few minutes, he asked me what I did for a living, and I said I'm a stay-at-home mom. He looked me up and down and said, "Huh. No life ambitions, huh?" FML

By Anonymous - 4/11/2014 19:08 - United States - Grand Ledge

35338

7549

Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML

By mikesok988 - 7/5/2009 07:40 - United States

57261

4777

Today, I went home for lunch. Upon opening the door, I smelled something horrid. My dog had opened his cage, eaten all the dog treats, and had diarrhea all over my bed and bedroom floor. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2019 14:00

1576

256

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

By Whatdididowrong? - 10/5/2011 05:18

39236

12324

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 15:52 - United States

32449

5644

Today, two aggressive police officers appeared at my door informing me that a complaint was filed about my 18 year-old son having "inappropriate relations" with a 16 year-old. We live in England. I had to Google the law to prove to them this was legal. FML

By Confuseddad - 16/2/2016 22:17 - United Kingdom

22424

1604

Today, while borrowing my girlfriend's dad's truck, I had to pay $120 to prevent it from being towed. I was parked right in front of my apartment unloading heavy furniture into my garage for not even 20 minutes while the apartment manager, who called the tow truck, watched us from his balcony. FML

By Riicogonz - 13/8/2018 20:32

2522

166

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed together, and I was in a snuggly mood. I rolled over to gaze lovingly into his eyes and whisper sweet nothings to him in the darkness. His response? "Dear God! Did somebody fart in your mouth?!" FML

By Anonymous - 1/4/2011 04:32 - United States

28667

36231

Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

By Peppermint - 17/3/2011 10:00 - New Zealand

23274

5316

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

By Alyssa - 19/10/2009 19:37 - United States

49663

3224

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

By M3DO - 3/8/2016 01:04

12701

792

Today, my roommate admitted he spent his half of the rent money on a tattoo. It's all good though, we're just gonna get evicted. FML

By Ted, E. Vic - 1/5/2016 05:39 - United States

15076

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1710

Today, my daughter asked why there was an X marked on a telephone pole. I told her they were going to remove it. She started crying and saying, "They can't kill the tree!" She is 16. FML

By anon - 9/7/2011 04:48 - Australia

35118

7387

Today, we had a tornado warning and I told my parents I loved them, just in case. My dad just said "see you in Kansas". FML

By anonymous - 11/4/2011 03:26

30198

8233

Today, my boyfriend of a year decided to confess to me that almost everything he has told me in our relationship has been a lie. This includes telling me that he was single when we first met, telling me that he loved me, and telling me that I was beautiful. FML

By ART - 6/3/2010 08:32 - United States

38373

3136

Today, my boss pretty much told me that I'm too ugly to meet clients, and should stay in the office doing the paperwork. So basically, I'm a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2014 06:13 - Singapore

41647

3809

Today, I finally kissed the guy I really love at a party. He took me outside and immediately vomited. FML

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 03:00

Poor me

1825

210