Today, my friend told me that his girlfriend was about to have...

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By Open mouth Insert foot - 12/01/2018 01:24 - United States - Warren

Today, my friend told me that his girlfriend was about to have a beautiful baby daughter. Having watched too many talk shows the next words that came flying out of my mouth were "Is it your's?" It's a wonder we're still friends. FML

agreeclassic 63

vote type 1 30

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

agreeclassic 35 471

vote type 1 14 449

Today, I'm well aware that this is my own fault, but I went to a friend's house after working late. Ran towards the friend's front door and hit my head a tree limb that I didn't see. Flipped over, landed on the lawn, and blacked out for a minute. I got up, was dizzy, tripped, and fell on friend's porch. Second concussion in a year. FML

agreeclassic 371

vote type 1 165

Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML

agreeclassic 30 881

vote type 1 4 514

Today, I found a notebook labeled "IMPORTANT INFO" in my boyfriend's nightstand. Looking in, I saw he'd written down a bunch of information about me, like my birthday and things I like. When I asked, he said, "I'm forgetful and didn't want to accidentally be a dick." FML

agreeclassic 181

vote type 1 1 751

Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML

agreeclassic 33 585

vote type 1 3 453

Today, while dog sitting my neighbor's Great Dane, I decided to order pizza. As soon as I received it, the dog stood in the hallway staring at me. As soon as I moved, he ran full force and knocked me into the door, causing me to fall and drop the pizza, which he promptly devoured in front of me. FML

agreeclassic 25 739

vote type 1 3 622