Today, My manager without reading a manual, SOP or even logging... - FML

This is a Nearly FML. It’s an FML, nearly. It got positive votes from the users, by wasn’t approved by our team.

By Douglas F Forman - 28/11/2020 00:34

Today, My manager without reading a manual, SOP or even logging into the system criticized the system as being poor and not well thought out while in a meeting with about a dozen employees.. FML

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It wasn't me

Motormouth

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

By weeble_wobbles09 - United States

Today, my Nana showed me her new sign that says, "Some of my greatest blessings call me Nana." We stood there looking at a wall FULL of pictures of her grandkids, which is where she wanted to hang it. After scanning the wall a couple times, I realized. There was not one picture of me. FML

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By heterolifepartner - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years role-plays on the internet, pretending to have sex with men. His response when I confronted him about it? "Which specific incidents are you referring to?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

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By ginya - United States - Bedford

Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML

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By cardsftw - United States - Compton

Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML

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By Anonymous

The Little Sperm That Could

Today, I found out I'm three weeks pregnant with a guy I've been dating for a month. I'm on the pill and we even used a condom. This baby must be some kind of superhuman. FML

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By thacupcakeassassin - United States - Shippensburg

Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML

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By shadokis - United States - Charlotte

Today, my 2-year-old cat finally decided to start catching mice. Like any other cat would, she left it for me to find. I found it in the middle of the night, as my bare foot rolled its guts out of its ass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

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By I stink

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally able to settle on having a day out together after putting it off for months because of work/other random reasons. This morning I woke up with the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever had in my life. I won’t be leaving the bathroom anytime soon. FML

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By Lolaa123 - United States

Today, my 5 year old daughter told me that I needed to stay 50 feet away from her at all times when we were at school, mostly because I didn't hang with the cool parents. FML

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By Katie - United States - Homewood

Today, I received frantic calls and messages from my husband wondering where I was and if I was cheating on him. I was in the same house as him. FML

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By kittydead - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

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By proteinboy - United States

Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man wearing nothing but denim booty shorts and a wife-beater sat down beside me. He stared at me for a while, before telling me all about how I reminded him of his "first prison bitch." FML

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By babypenguin00 - United States - Newark

Today, marks the third girlfriend in a row that has broken up with me for my terrible dandruff. I can't control it as I was born with psoriasis. All three girls called me pathetic for "making up" a disease to try to get them to stay. FML

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By Username - Australia

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

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By first time at McDonald's in months... - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. As I left the counter with the food, I heard the cashier mutter, "Fat ass." I turned around and demanded to see the manager. Once he came and heard the situation, he looked at me and said, "Well, it's not like he's wrong, right?" FML

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By toomuchwork

Today, as I was leaving for a 2-week vacation after working my ass off for 2 years, my area manager handed me a project. It's a 3-week job, and he told me he needs it when I get back. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

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By Dramaqueenfornothing - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

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By worstwaytodumpagirl - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my boyfriend bought me a pair of jeans. I couldn't fit into them, and he reacted to this by saying I've gotten too fat for him, and he can't be with me anymore. I took them off and saw they were a size 4. I've been a size 8 for the past 2 years, and he knows this. FML

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By lifesmells - Canada

Today, I learned that when blender jars aren't locked, they fly off the blender, into the air, hit you in the head and explode all over your kitchen. Today, I also learned that after I'm attacked by a flying blender, the first thing my boyfriend asks is if I'm still gonna make him a smoothie. FML

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By Backseatseller - New Zealand

Today, I was at work, and some people came in looking for a particular couch. After looking for over an hour on the wholesalers website my boss walks over, makes me take my lunch break and then calls over the couple and takes all the credit for the sale. We work on commission. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I realized that trying to fit in with my crush's social circle by acting like one of the lads was a waste of time. All he does is high-five me all the time and tell me every little detail of his latest one night stands. FML

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By sosadbuttrue - Switzerland

Today, the quality of my sex life reached a new low. I faked my orgasm. And so did he. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my little brother. He was looking at me and says "so cool." I asked him what was so cool and he says "it's not that cool but, your eyebrow connects to your other eyebrow". FML

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By FML - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked twister. FML

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By Wow. - United States

Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, I'm apparently so desperate for companionship that my body has subconsciously synced my period with the girl who works in the cubicle adjacent to mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while waiting for my interview to start, I tried to slip out a silent fart. It ended with shit running down my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Beaumont

Feelings

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

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By 2ndgenoration - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my grandmother told me that since my dad was a mistake, I too am a mistake. FML

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By stinky breath - United States - Whittier

Today, I taught my 23-year-old boyfriend how to correctly brush his teeth. FML

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By sarah - 6/6/2020 20:00

Respect should be earned

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

TMI

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

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By DontBeRude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

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By jasmine - United States

Today, I realized I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Too bad he has never once made me orgasm in the two and a half years we've been together. FML

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By TaffyMichele - United States - La Verne

Today, my boyfriend told me to text him when I got home to let him know I'd made it home safe. He said if I didn't, he'd assume that aliens had abducted me and that he'd get a new girlfriend. He was completely serious. FML

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