Health and Holidays: Today, my 20-year-old sister put ketchup on my back instead of...

By Anonymous - Greece - Athens

Today, my 20-year-old sister put ketchup on my back instead of sunscreen at the beach. FML

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Sorry…

Mother of the year

Understanding

By twat - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to give things a go with the guy that has fancied me for three years, based purely on my looks. After getting to know my personality he has decided he no longer fancies me at all. FML

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By Hot Pants - United Kingdom

Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML

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By DOGSNACHER - United States

Today, I woke up to my whole room ruined, it was a mess and everything was torn and chewed up. I suddenly see a dog walk across the hall. I don't have a dog. FML

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By unworthyoflove - 9/6/2020 14:07

Parenting 101

Today, I told my parents that I was going to stop being so hard on myself all the time. They responded by calling me a narcissist. FML

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By NoStarbucks4Me - Germany - M?hldorf

Today, the area I live in is so rural that the nearest Starbucks is a 1-hour drive away. And in another country. FML

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By Username

Today, I can't attend an interview for a great job because I have an exam. An exam I need to pass in order to have a great job like the one I'm missing the interview for. FML

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By period pains - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my period started again. I just finished a 17-day period 3 days ago. FML

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By FBfail - United Kingdom

Today, I saw my boyfriend of two years had joined a group on facebook called 'Guys who are proud of their girlfriends'. I smiled and was about to like it when I noticed a comment below from a girl saying "Awww thanks babe :) xxxx". FML

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By mama bear

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

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By gonkc - United States

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML

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By bertiebeth - Australia - Padstow

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sooke

Today, I had to show up at an anti-drugs lecture with full-blown pink eye. It's from an ongoing bacterial infection, but the speaker said he'd heard that excuse a hundred times before, and shamed me in front of everyone. FML

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By das_shizzle - 2/5/2020 05:00

Entitled bitch

Today, after telling a student that she had to take the online test on the date that I had assigned, she whined to the vice president of the college, who then told my dean that he needed to do something about it. She made me offer testing days on multiple dates. So much for integrity. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called my parents to let them know I broke up with him. He was sobbing. FML

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By Savannah - United States

Today, my dad confessed that the only reason I'm alive today is because he couldn't afford to pay for an abortion. He couldn't afford it because he'd splashed out on brand new furniture at IKEA shortly before discovering my mom was pregnant. FML

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By oww - United States

Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

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By mediocreboobs - United States

Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML

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By leahkasscar

Today, I decided to clean the whole house as a surprise for my mother. When she came home, she screamed at me and called me a bitch because she had wanted to clean it herself. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I swapped a shift so I didn't have to work on new year's eve. An hour later I realized I didn't have anyone to spend it with. I swapped it back. I'll be ringing in the new year with my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded by asking for a blowjob. FML

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By Grandzilla - France - Ablancourt

Today, I got a call from my panicking grandmother. I asked her what was going on, and she explained that, “Godzilla doesn’t work.” Not really understanding, I asked her to clarify. “Yes, you know, Godzilla, to use the internet.” FML

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By a non e mouse - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I tried to unlock my house's front door by hitting the unlock button on my car keys. It took me some time to realize my mistake. FML

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By Alex

Today, marks three weeks since I started my new dream job. It also marks the second time this week alone that I've clogged the toilet in the restroom. I'm almost 100% sure all my coworkers know it was me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML

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By Janitor - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2021 00:01 - Australia

Unreasonable

Today, after finishing work and collecting my bag from my locker, I yawned as my manager came to ask me a question. She yelled at me for yawning. She then told others that I have a chronic yawning problem at work and need medical intervention. I can't even yawn once after a long tiring day on my own time. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy, who decided to rudely text message his friend the whole time. When I got home, I realized he'd been texting the girl he was going to hookup with after our date; she happens to be my roommate. FML

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By theonlychildd1 - United States

Today, a friend from work threw a party. We each had to dress up as a deceased celebrity. I thought it'd be a perfect time to dress up as Marilyn Monroe. When I arrived to the party, my boss said, "But... Rosie O'Donnell isn't dead." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Staten Island

Today, after getting a new haircut, I decided to take a few photos. I set up my iPhone in my room and began posing. It wasn't until numerous shots later that I realized my phone had posted every picture to Facebook, and they were all over everyone's newsfeed. FML

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By Fmylife.25 - United States

Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up with really sore abs; not from working out at the gym, but because I've been coughing for 3 days straight and nothing is helping. Now every time I cough, it physically hurts. FML

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By Bestbirthday - United States - Bastrop

Today, my parents were supposed to take me out to eat for my birthday, but since their favorite child wasn't with us, I instead got a mini order of tots from Sonic as my birthday meal/present. FML

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By Dragoness11 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I still have my ridiculous fear of being heard on the toilet, and I can't go if people are around. I'd just sat down on the toilet when three of my housemates started chatting immediately outside the door. I had to sit silently until they were gone. For half an hour. FML

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By Teen With No Money - United States

Today, my mother took 350 dollars from savings to go to a psychic. But it's okay though, because now I know I'm an "ancient soul from another dimension". An "ancient soul" who now has no money. FML

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By notout

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

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By rollerSWEETness - United States

Today, I was on a roller coaster and this 13 year old sitting next to me was completely terrified. To cheer him up, I threw my hands in the air. While my hands were up, we hit a curve and I elbowed him in the face, making him cry. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML

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By MereLewis95 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother called me urgently from the kitchen. Thinking she was hurt, I ran to her as fast as possible. She threw a wet cloth at my head and ran away, laughing her face off. FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7679996 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 2:19

Wtf?! Everyone knows you put mustard on at the beach. Kids these days! FYL

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7679999 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 2:24

She obviously still needs to ketchup to her age in maturity...

COMMENTS

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7679992 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 1:33

Oh come on now! She should have known better and mistook the mustard or mayonnaise for sunscreen instead.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7679993 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 1:33

If she was planning on eating you, then it wasn't a mistake.

By pjsr | 32

#7679996 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 2:19

Wtf?! Everyone knows you put mustard on at the beach. Kids these days! FYL

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7679999 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 2:24

She obviously still needs to ketchup to her age in maturity...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7680004 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 2:44

Was she trying to make Sibling Kokkinisto?

By Charlie Given | 23

#7680011 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 3:21

Did you get a nice golden tan😂

By RichardPencil | 30

#7680014 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 3:24

Good thing she didn’t put it on your weiner, you unfaithful piece of shit! Slap-slap-crotch kick.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7681161 - Thursday 23 August 2018 8:46

Sisters very rarely put anything on their brother's weiner.

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7680032 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 5:07

The seagulls ought be pretty thankful.

By Abbusser | 9

#7680037 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 6:00

That's your queue to play dead while she screams "SHARK ATTACK!!!"

By corky1992 | 33

#7680070 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 8:49

You didn’t smell the difference?