Today, my 20-year-old sister put ketchup on my back instead of...

By Anonymous - Greece - Athens

Today, my 20-year-old sister put ketchup on my back instead of sunscreen at the beach. FML

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Health

Holidays

Walk on the wild side

Relationships sink

The Terminator

By Pims

Today, I've learned that when in a job interview at a Japanese company, the words, "Now we would like you to undertake a small Japanese test to check your Japanese level" actually means, "We would like you to gather all your hopes and dreams of you ever working for us, and let them die." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a customer complained that one of our cashiers smiles too much. FML

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By the fish

Today, I started this show and was really confused what was happening until I realized I accidentally started from the last episode so I basically ruined the whole show for myself. FML

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By Unwanted - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML

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By Sam

Today, I had debilitating stomach cramps and told my mom, but she said she was too tired to take me to the ER. I had appendicitis. Thanks Mom. FML

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By wat - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

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By paperbagofdoom - United States

Today, while working at a certain California theme park in full costume, I was approached by a kid in line, who looked at me and exclaimed, "Hey look, its Indiana Jones!" which felt pretty amazing. His sister, who was maybe seven years old, glanced over at me and said, "No, he's way too fat." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was at the mall with my mom, when I saw a little pamphlet about a charity for abused children. I showed her and said I was going to donate a few dollars. She quickly said no, calling it a waste of money and muttering that the kids probably deserved it anyway. FML

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By B'Dawk

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been putting boogers in my belly button when I don't pay attention to her while we watch tv. FML

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By Buzz - France

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager". FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML

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By Harry - United States - Seattle

Today, I was walking in the street, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a hospital. According to witnesses, a guy came up and hit me over the head with a baseball bat. Apparently that's a thing that happens now. But it's okay, he had an excuse: he said he was drunk. FML

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By justsomesummer - United States - Beaverton

Today, I got a new babysitting job. Every time the little girl goes to the bathroom, she screams and cries until I wipe her. She's 7 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Augusta

Today, I went to a job interview. It was my last shot of getting a job before my savings run dry. It all went well until I was asked why I wanted to join the company. I got flustered and stuttered, "Because I um, I like money?" The guy gave me the most insincere "We'll be in touch." ever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, another "gentleman" called and asked for my "services". This is happening a lot lately, because apparently I have the old number of a prostitute. I told him I'm not who he's looking for, to which he replied that I sound like a "sexy lady" and that he wanted to have some fun. FML

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By phoneless - Jordan

Today, I bought my first iPhone. Today, I broke my first iPhone. FML

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By jace17 - United States

Today, my parents threw out the beautiful birthday cake my aunt made me, and served celery sticks at my party because I need to "watch my weight." FML

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By ChocoMilkManG - United States

Today, I found some Nesquick Chocolate Milk mix in my pantry which sounded good. While making a glass, I got angry because not all of the mix would disolve. Frustrated, I downed the drink. When I finished I looked in the glass and realized the mix that wouldn't disolve was actually tiny ants. FML

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By whatabitch - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's mother came up to me at school, yelling and causing a scene in front of everyone for breaking her son's heart. We broke up over a year ago because he was cheating on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a swim in his pool. I was hoping that the swim would be somewhat romantic, however, that came to an abrupt end when he decided that it would be cool and funny to try and lift me up by my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

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By maybe dead in a day - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend of three days met up with me at the movie theater, sporting a crude tattoo of my face on his cheek, along with a love heart and the word "forever." Looks like I'm single again. FML

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By Anonymous

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Today, my mom told me my aunt was coming over. I told her I might have to work, and would be sad to miss her. My mom said, "Or, you know, if you're not there, it might be nice." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out that I'm highly-placed in my wrestling competition this year. I also found out that I have mono and won't be able to take part for at least the first half of the competition. FML

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By Ma.Sa.La. - United States

Today, I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was sign outside of the jewelry store that said, "Engagement Rings-No interest for 12 months." I said, "Look, baby! No interest." He replied, "That's right...NO INTEREST." FML

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By MyDeliveriesCanWait

Today, I received the bubble wrap that I'd ordered. When I opened the box, almost every single bubble had been popped. At the bottom of the box, there was a sticky note that said, "Sorry." FML

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By Jen_ - France

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal - Alhandra

Today, my boyfriend thinks he's discovered a big conspiracy by dentists to sell toothpaste. He's arguing that nobody needs to brush their teeth, ever, because all the "new plaque" from food will dissolve the "old plaque", and the only thing he needs to use is breath spray. FML

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By Betchsadface - United States

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

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By James - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

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By oh - United States - San Francisco

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

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By creepedout - United States

Today, I was at the airport. A creepy man smiled at me, so I politely smiled back. I then realized his shirt said "Smile if you take it in the ass." He then winked at me and walked off. FML

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By jaimie - United States

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hartford

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I'll have to join my school's special education needs sector. This is because I can't attend school properly due to chronic issues with severe pain. So much for my 3.9 GPA and being in the top 5% of my class. FML

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By amber - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my boyfriend gave me acne cream for my birthday. FML

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By hitmutefirst - United States

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

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By June - Canada

Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 08:01

Gamergate

Today, after I bought a gaming system two days ago, for too much money, to distract myself from all the horrible things going on in my life and the world, it broke. So now I’m trying to distract myself from the thing I bought to distract myself. FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7679996 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 2:19

Wtf?! Everyone knows you put mustard on at the beach. Kids these days! FYL

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7679999 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 2:24

She obviously still needs to ketchup to her age in maturity...

COMMENTS

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7679992 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 1:33

Oh come on now! She should have known better and mistook the mustard or mayonnaise for sunscreen instead.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7679993 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 1:33

If she was planning on eating you, then it wasn't a mistake.

By pjsr | 32

#7679996 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 2:19

Wtf?! Everyone knows you put mustard on at the beach. Kids these days! FYL

By ARISKomuniszt | 24

#7679999 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 2:24

She obviously still needs to ketchup to her age in maturity...

By RichardPencil | 28

#7680004 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 2:44

Was she trying to make Sibling Kokkinisto?

By Charlie Given | 23

#7680011 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 3:21

Did you get a nice golden tan😂

By RichardPencil | 28

#7680014 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 3:24

Good thing she didn’t put it on your weiner, you unfaithful piece of shit! Slap-slap-crotch kick.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7681161 - Thursday 23 August 2018 8:46

Sisters very rarely put anything on their brother's weiner.

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7680032 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 5:07

The seagulls ought be pretty thankful.

By Abbusser | 9

#7680037 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 6:00

That's your queue to play dead while she screams "SHARK ATTACK!!!"

By corky1992 | 33

#7680070 - Tuesday 21 August 2018 8:49

You didn’t smell the difference?