Today, I went on a date and it was going great. When we got our... - FML

By OpenWide - 24/11/2009 03:22 - United States

Today, I went on a date and it was going great. When we got our meals, he told me I had to try what he was having, and he fed me a bite. I said something like "oh that was cute" and he replied with "I was just trying to see how big your mouth is." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32629

You deserved it

4161

Tweet

Share

OpenWide Say more :

I actually laughed at the time. Probably because I didn't know what to say. I can take a joke so I went out with him a few more times but the forwardness continued so I ended it... And he never got to find out just how big my mouth really is

Caught red-handed

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 10/7/2013 16:38 - United States - Spencer

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57331

You deserved it

8311

Tweet

Share

By Jay - 10/4/2009 14:41 - Germany

Today, my mate came over wanting me to listen to a new music cd he got. It was by some unknown band, and at the end he asked me what I thought, and I said it was ok, but the lead singer couldn't sing even if his life depended on it. Turns out my mate's the lead singer, and it was his own band. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28132

You deserved it

42895

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/9/2019 04:00 - United States - New York

Oops, I Did It Again

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1555

You deserved it

688

Tweet

Share

By buggedout - 25/11/2009 08:24 - United States

Today, I realized that when the pest control man said that we may see a few more bugs in the next few days, what he meant was "your kitchen will be covered in them." It's the day before Thanksgiving and I have several people invited over for the Holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30002

You deserved it

2853

Tweet

Share

By HotACE - 22/4/2011 05:08

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36783

You deserved it

22623

Tweet

Share

By derranged - 22/4/2009 18:24 - China

Today, I was the best man at a wedding and I was flirting with a cute bridesmaid. Then this old guy decides to give the newlyweds a toast. He made a crappy joke and barely anybody laughed. So I say to the girl, "Wow that sucked, who the hell does he think he is?" The girl replies, "That's my dad". FML

I agree, your life sucks

13175

You deserved it

73234

Tweet

Share

By Farterella - 2/11/2016 20:30

Today, I was the only girl in gym class who couldn't lift the weight, and the only one to fart multiple times during the attempt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11629

You deserved it

1514

Tweet

Share

By volleyballgirl - 28/2/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11892

You deserved it

32524

Tweet

Share

By fox_at_heart - 30/9/2016 02:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my father has been saving money to help me buy my first car. In the same conversation, I found out my mother, unbeknownst to my dad, used nearly all of the money to bail my drunken, deadbeat uncle out of jail for the 4th time a month ago. He is now back in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12714

You deserved it

750

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14682

You deserved it

53265

Tweet

Share

By Nicky_ham - 6/1/2016 04:56 - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24499

You deserved it

1618

Tweet

Share

By sad sack. - 18/1/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you". FML

I agree, your life sucks

24890

You deserved it

2843

Tweet

Share

By Socklessandsmelly - 26/5/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, after 7 hours on my feet at work, my boyfriend picked me up. Relieved, I took off my shoes. Suddenly, he looked up and sniffed asking,"are those your feet?" I had forgotten to put on socks in my rush to work. He made me put my shoes back on and sit in the back, windows open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19707

You deserved it

46999

Tweet

Share

By Username - 6/9/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, I was so starved of human contact that I almost took up a transsexual hooker's offer of a "good time." Nothing wrong with that really, but they looked like a haunted tree dressed as Liza Minnelli. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13116

You deserved it

23969

Tweet

Share

By recordyear - 9/8/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, I was at work with my dad. He told me the only reason he's letting me work with him over the summer is because I'm a friendless loser, and he didn't want me staying home getting fatter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32764

You deserved it

7471

Tweet

Share

By FML4evs - 10/4/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, my younger brother watched an old music video of The Who, who are know for smashing up their guitars and such. He decided it would be cool to try it with mine. That guitar was worth over $3000. FML

I agree, your life sucks

85594

You deserved it

4647

Tweet

Share

By Tancred - 15/9/2011 07:36 - Canada

Today, at my job serving, I went to clear the plates when the guy said, "Hold on a second." Thinking he wasn't quite finished, I went to put the plate back. He then reached in to his mouth, pulled out a dark brown object and threw it on the plate. It was a rotten tooth. I almost puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35503

You deserved it

2114

Tweet

Share

By - 3/8/2017 05:00

#LurkerForLife

Today, I realized that my social life is so dead the only thing I do that involves other people is read FML. I don't even participate in the comments. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4643

You deserved it

1051

Tweet

Share

By carriageway - 31/1/2020 01:00 - United States - Newport News

After sleepover

Today, I was at a sleepover for a friend's birthday. It was great, but after sleeping on their pull out couch, I woke up with six pimples on my face and a rash on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1896

You deserved it

177

Tweet

Share

By iloveretail - 8/8/2016 19:14 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, a woman threatened to stab my eyes out because I wouldn't let her into the shop I closed and locked up half an hour ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14734

You deserved it

795

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/4/2016 19:46 - United States - Bronx

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23317

You deserved it

4975

Tweet

Share

By moshgra - 29/11/2010 00:41

Today, I went in to work to check my new schedule for the week. I searched up and down and didn't see my name listed. After talking to my manager, he decided it would be easier to "release" me than remake a new schedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26892

You deserved it

2155

Tweet

Share

By Monkey253100 - 3/6/2012 14:47 - France

Today, I decided to be healthy and go for a run. I broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31285

You deserved it

4073

Tweet

Share

By Stupid - 1/3/2019 04:00

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's wife. He's still saying he is not married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2382

You deserved it

292

Tweet

Share

By Dartfrogger - 12/2/2015 19:16 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I announced to my friends that my grandmother is dying. My best friend pulled out his phone and casually announced, "Technically, everyone is dying." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30845

You deserved it

2953

Tweet

Share

By fgbh456 - 28/12/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, I confronted my mom about her drinking problems. After I blurted everything out, she completely denied it. She did this as she was drinking a huge cup full of vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29986

You deserved it

2341

Tweet

Share

By brinn - 16/9/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29800

You deserved it

9721

Tweet

Share

By cwell88 - 21/6/2015 13:29

Today, my bike was stolen. These things happen so I went to work. On my walk to work a girl pulls up on my bike and says I need to fix the brakes, someone could kill themselves. Hands the bike to me and runs off. Not even 3 minutes pass as police surround me and accuse me of stealing my own bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28595

You deserved it

1755

Tweet

Share

By IkeTheIntern - 18/9/2015 20:02 - Canada

Today, my boss told me to stop giving work to our college intern because it's an embarrassment to have someone who hasn't finished college working for him. This is the same boss who constantly brags about being a high school drop out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24222

You deserved it

1551

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/5/2018 01:30

Today, while dropping files off at my boss's house, I tripped and fell into his fish tank. We both watched as a crack spread all the way across the glass and shattered, covering his carpet in fish and water. His only words to me were, "I'll see you at work tomorrow. Maybe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4282

You deserved it

525

Tweet

Share

By goodmorning - 7/9/2014 13:45 - United States - Nashville

Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40582

You deserved it

4427

Tweet

Share

By teejayrn - 17/12/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32660

You deserved it

4924

Tweet

Share

By Xbieblette51 - 19/8/2014 22:30 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48698

You deserved it

6882

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43382

You deserved it

4291

Tweet

Share

By FastFlight - 23/6/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, my daughter used pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48052

You deserved it

5040

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/9/2010 14:33 - United States

Today, I got fired from my recently acquired job at a doctor's office because I don't "agree with family values". The way I'm disrespecting their "family values"? I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54166

You deserved it

22418

Tweet

Share

By SKuser - 19/5/2009 08:09 - China

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later came into the T-Mobile that I work at to return the Sidekick that I bought for her. I had to transfer her account to a new Iphone. She got the Iphone from her new boyfriend, who works across the street from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68761

You deserved it

4809

Tweet

Share

By jess - 24/12/2018 04:00

Today, I decided to go home and apologise to my husband for accusing him of having an affair. I came home to find him having sex with my mother. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

4864

You deserved it

293

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/1/2015 19:18 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37209

You deserved it

4682

Tweet

Share

By Fish Breath - 3/6/2016 22:26 - United States - Bloomington

Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10937

You deserved it

4033

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#686277 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:17

Would also be cute if we all weren't very much aware as to why he would like to know how big her mouth is.

By badbunny | 0

#686301 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:33

ohhhhhhhh because he wants you to perform oral sex!

Comments

By Coldie | 0

#686272 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:15

What happened next??

Reply

8trickster8 | 0

#686405 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 12:39

LIAR

Reply

DaDooode | 0

#1174542 - Monday 2 August 2010 4:59

GET SOME!

By Mandy6782 | 0

#686273 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:16

ahaha
cute

By thatoneguyinca | 0

#686275 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:16

get on your knees and open wide
better wear knee pads too, its gonna be a long one!!

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#686277 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:17

Would also be cute if we all weren't very much aware as to why he would like to know how big her mouth is.

By hornetchik | 0

#686283 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:21

W T F ?!

By reapfml | 0

#686288 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:24

"Shucks, not even big enough for the head."

By daytonmayne | 0

#686292 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:25

Haha well at least you don't have an obviously large mouth like me! Just by laughing you can tell that I do. :P

Reply

california283 | 6

#2519899 - Monday 16 May 2011 21:49

you should've made this face :O at the end of your comment instead of the tongue out face

By KCID_GIB_ATTOGi | 0

#686300 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:32

L O L
nice

By badbunny | 0

#686301 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:33

ohhhhhhhh because he wants you to perform oral sex!

Reply

alexandraa_fml | 0

#686858 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 22:07

Made me LOL.

Reply

iarediana | 0

#689604 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:03

LMAOOOOO! its funny how you just state the obvious just like that. xD

Reply

NoteMyGrin | 0

#701179 - Thursday 3 December 2009 2:26

If that was supposed to be ironic, then I adore you. (:

Reply

sk8rchick97 | 0

#2894185 - Friday 15 July 2011 4:14

thank u captain obvious ??

By amatayo | 0

#686303 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:37

the is very strange I would got up and left