Love: Today, I went on a date and it was going great. When we got our... - FML

By OpenWide - United States

Today, I went on a date and it was going great. When we got our meals, he told me I had to try what he was having, and he fed me a bite. I said something like "oh that was cute" and he replied with "I was just trying to see how big your mouth is." FML

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OpenWide tells us more :

I actually laughed at the time. Probably because I didn't know what to say. I can take a joke so I went out with him a few more times but the forwardness continued so I ended it... And he never got to find out just how big my mouth really is

Taking stock

Rock, hard place

The geyser

By nocanhaz - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

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By alaskan1989 - United States

Today, I found out I have a huge infected boil on my vagina. The worst part was that I wasn't the one to discover this. My boyfriend was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a consultation for an upcoming surgery I need done. The doctor (very handsome and in his late twenties) asked me to flex my stomach and act like I was trying to use the bathroom. As I was enjoying him touching my stomach, I fart. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 05:02

Priorities

Today, my fiancé and I finally had the house to ourselves for the night for the first time in MONTHS, and we don't know when we will get a chance like this again. So, he texts his buddy to play zombies. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Zaragoza

Today, an old friend of mine landed in Spain, where he's visiting me. After a few minutes talking about where we should meet, we realized the reason he couldn't figure out where it was, was probably due to the fact that he was in Barcelona. I live in Madrid. FML

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By prostitott

Today, I caught my 14-year-old daughter stealing alcohol from me. After berating her for half-an-hour I finally said, "At least you're not doing drugs." She gave me a guilty smile and sheepishly said, "At least I'm not a prostitute?" FML

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By anonynous - United States - Charlotte

Today, while watching a family movie, my mother made every effort to make sure I covered my eyes during a kissing scene. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise, since she still forces me to put my phone in her room every night as she makes me go to bed at 8:30 PM. FML

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By TrainedBF - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied "They worked on you." FML

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By britanyann - United States

Today, I had to explain to my 25-year-old boyfriend why we cannot get pet raccoons. This is not the first time we have had this conversation. FML

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By Cheerieful - United States

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

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By iamamermaid - United States - Hemet

Today, I decided to use an at-home waxing kit for the first time to get rid of the hair on my upper lip. After experiencing the trauma of waxing, I fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up to see that I now have acne everywhere I had waxed. I have an acne mustache. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I slipped and gashed my head bad enough that my head had to be shaved to be sewn up. Right after it had finished growing back from chemotherapy. FML

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By apparentlynotengaged - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my fiancé won't tell people we're engaged because his mother doesn't approve, and he doesn't want to upset her. FML

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By Nick - Australia - Baulkham Hills

Today, I dragged myself to work, suffering from a bad cold. My boss quietly told me to go home and rest, to avoid spreading it around the office. I thought it odd since he dislikes me so much, but I did as he said. He called later in the day to suspend me for leaving work early. FML

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By victoria - 4/4/2021 21:30

It's a wrap

Today, I had a school band concert in which I was doing a clarinet solo. I had a Laffy Taffy before the concert. Little did I know part of the wrapper got stuck in my hair. I went through the whole concert like that and I was so embarrassed when I found out afterwards. FML

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By nosymptoms - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me he's going to get tested for STDs, because he's worried about a previous partner. I'm grateful for his thoughtfulness, but I'd be even more grateful if we hadn't already slept together several times. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 17:01

Damn squares!

Today, I went for a job interview and was rejected for having a 'visible' tattoo. It's white ink, so you can't see it unless you look super closely. The only reason they knew about it was because I was honest and mentioned it when asked if I had any tattoos. I guess honesty is not the best policy. FML

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By Stupidhuman - United States - Sparta

Today, I noticed my cat was about to vomit on the rug and yelled at her to move. She spooked and managed to throw up while running. I still had to clean up the rug. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddies drag his nearly-comatose carcass back home from a strip club. FML

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By limpdick9 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cop car was tailing me. I was scared, and trying to avoid any tickets, I drove straight through a huge pothole rather than swerving to avoid it. The cop pulled me over and insisted I was intoxicated, because "anybody in their right mind would've dodged that pothole." FML

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By BirthdayGirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML

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By birdbath - United States

Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML

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By justmyluck - United States

Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

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By Aginsafa - United States

Today, at work my boss told me I have been late, under-productive, and using up a lot of sick days. He says my job is on the line. My reason for barely showing up at work: I've been on maternity leave for 6 weeks. FML

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By "levsterx"

Today, my mom dragged me along with her to a baby shower. I was the only guy there. FML

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By belly the jelly

A job well done.

Today, I asked my husband to deal with the very large spider in our kitchen. Rather than a newspaper or a slipper, he went after it with an aerosol can and a lighter. The spider is now dead, but so are the wall and cupboards in my kitchen. FML

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By ForeverAlone - United States - O Fallon

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half left me for another girl. Who was the only person who cared enough to comfort me? The girl he left me for. FML

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By worriedman - United States - Chicago

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

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By eenkoekje

Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Unionize!

Today, my boss told me he was going to start taking money out of my pay, because his wife makes us lunch. I work for my dad, and he wants to start charging me because my mom makes me a sandwich. FML

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By iwillcutyou - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Charming

Today, as I was working in retail, this guy shoved me into the shelves for asking if he needed help with anything, screaming at me that I need to leave him alone. FML

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By medosin - Austria

Today, I went into Whole Foods asking if they carried a supplement called Carnosine. The girl assisting me had no idea what it was, but asked, "Is this for weight loss?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to go to the dentist to get 11 cavities filled. I took a wrong turn and ended up being 10 minutes late. My dentist told I had to reschedule because of his "10 minute policy." I have to wait 14 days now to get my cavities filled. FML

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By WalkingTalkingCarrot - United Kingdom

Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML

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By AzrielB

Today, my friend, who had begged me to buy them a plane ticket after being stranded overseas, blocked me. They didn't even use the ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 05:00 - Australia

Jaws

Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML

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By Sheila - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

The Voice (of the future)

Today, my husband was singing while doing the housework. I told him to sign up for The Voice. He took me seriously, and did. Too bad for him, because he sounds like a cat dying in a ditch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lexington

Today, I found out that someone had peed into the bottle of Febreze that we keep in the dorm bathroom. I found this out when I sprayed it onto my coat to get rid of a weird smell. FML

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By ZG1 - 13/2/2021 20:00

Thanks for coming in, Mr Belch

Today, I burped and sneezed during a job interview, I don’t think they were impressed by my talents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML

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Top comments

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#686277 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:17

Would also be cute if we all weren't very much aware as to why he would like to know how big her mouth is.

By badbunny | 0

#686301 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:33

ohhhhhhhh because he wants you to perform oral sex!

COMMENTS

By Coldie | 0

#686272 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:15

What happened next??

Reply

8trickster8 | 0

#686405 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 12:39

LIAR

Reply

DaDooode | 0

#1174542 - Monday 2 August 2010 4:59

GET SOME!

By Mandy6782 | 0

#686273 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:16

ahaha
cute

By thatoneguyinca | 0

#686275 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:16

get on your knees and open wide
better wear knee pads too, its gonna be a long one!!

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#686277 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:17

Would also be cute if we all weren't very much aware as to why he would like to know how big her mouth is.

By hornetchik | 0

#686283 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:21

W T F ?!

By reapfml | 0

#686288 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:24

"Shucks, not even big enough for the head."

By daytonmayne | 0

#686292 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:25

Haha well at least you don't have an obviously large mouth like me! Just by laughing you can tell that I do. :P

Reply

california283 | 6

#2519899 - Monday 16 May 2011 21:49

you should've made this face :O at the end of your comment instead of the tongue out face

By KCID_GIB_ATTOGi | 0

#686300 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:32

L O L
nice

By badbunny | 0

#686301 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:33

ohhhhhhhh because he wants you to perform oral sex!

Reply

alexandraa_fml | 0

#686858 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 22:07

Made me LOL.

Reply

iarediana | 0

#689604 - Thursday 26 November 2009 20:03

LMAOOOOO! its funny how you just state the obvious just like that. xD

Reply

NoteMyGrin | 0

#701179 - Thursday 3 December 2009 2:26

If that was supposed to be ironic, then I adore you. (:

Reply

sk8rchick97 | 0

#2894185 - Friday 15 July 2011 4:14

thank u captain obvious ??

By amatayo | 0

#686303 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 9:37

the is very strange I would got up and left