Intimacy: Today, I was told I'm too old for sex. I'm 35. FML

By azouwa

Today, I was told I'm too old for sex. I'm 35. FML

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azouwa tells us more :

There's nothing wrong with going to a senior graduation to figure out who just turned 18!! lol, Nah. seriously, a few girls and I were working on an assignment, and them, being 20, only wanted to discuss fornication. So I told a few stories, and when jaws dropped, I went back to work on the paper we're writing. (I'm female btw).

Intimacy

Leave us alone

Leave me out of it

No data for you

By bossproblems - United States - Orlando

Today, I found out how my salesmen are "entertaining" themselves since they were told they can't have their cell phones on them. They are pulling straws to see who will pretend to trip and fall face-first onto the floor in front of customers. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aldershot

Welcome to the world!

Today, I helped deliver the baby belonging to the woman my husband left me for. FML

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2424

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By joleezad5 - United States - Nixa

Today, while watching the Olympics, my father found it completely necessary to make a farting sound every single time an athlete jumps or bends over. This will be a very long few weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML

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By mainey92 - United States

Today, I heard a rumor about myself going around my high school that I am pregnant, I've dropped out of school, and that my belly is showing. I'm not actually pregnant. I've been severely depressed, so I've missed a few days of school and I've been eating too much apparently. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML

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18752

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By Poem - United States

Today, I spent hours delicately writing out what seemed to be a beautiful poem to my girlfriend. After I sent it to her, I kept eyeing my phone to see her surprised message. No, my only response was "you may want to use a spellcheck." FML

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By fuckalltwitardsintheface - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

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By dumbmotherinlaw - United States - San Diego

Today, I was crossing back over the Mexico-US border. My mother-in-law got out of the car to go to the bathroom, since traffic was horrible. Two hours of worrying sick later, turns out she crossed the border without telling me. FML

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12179

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By Iknowhowtoraisethem - United States - Woodridge

Today, my 25-year-old daughter, who normally doesn't drive, was out using the family car when she came back annoyed and emotional over the "stupid" cars heating being broken. She said no matter how high she turned it up it was still blowing cold air. I checked and it was set to A/C the entire time. FML

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By 911 - France

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

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41147

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Just a dream

Today, at midnight, I heard my son calling for his mom. I stopped by his room and asked him what was wrong? He didn't tell me. Instead, he said: "Oh, I don't need you." FML

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1792

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By whymegirl - United States - Worcester

Today, my cousin is coming home after his honeymoon. His gift to his new wife was a puppy, which I said I would take care of while they went away. I sneezed last week and scared the puppy. She ran off. This was ten days ago, and I still haven't found the dog. FML

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27966

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By grenade - United States

Today, I was at a club with my friends, when a group of guys approached us. It got quiet for a second, and I heard one of them say, "It's okay, I've got the fat one this time," then walk over and start talking to me. FML

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37905

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By owmyfoot - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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19643

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By Meh - United States

Today, two days before my birthday, my parents drove three hours to visit me at school and take me out to lunch. I assumed that it was to celebrate my birthday. They told me they are getting divorced. FML

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70802

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By katshay8

Today, I went to the doctor for allergy testing. Apparently, one of my worst allergies is cats. I'm a "crazy cat lady" who loves anything cat-related and has 3 cats. Allergy shots, here I come. FML

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By corasmom - United States

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

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31817

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By Lulu

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

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4014

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By muscalata

Today, my girlfriend sent a text asking if I think she’s pretty. I replied "Yes, of course!" She then got mad and blocked me. Turns out she'd said "petty". FML

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By thrill house - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, a woman yelled at me for hurting her. I'm a tattoo artist. FML

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22769

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By Anonymous - United States - San Ramon

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

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48294

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By Anonymous - United States - Brighton

Today, while on vacation with my family, my mother told me to put my phone in her purse, so it wouldn't get stolen. Someone stole her purse. FML

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By bTOhno - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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44969

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By Anonymous

Leg day

Today, after waiting a year, I asked a coworker who I like to work out at the gym with me. She said yes. I figured this would be the perfect place to show off my body and impress her. In every exercise we did, she lifted more weights than I did. FML

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By TheywearintheDIRTYlaundrybasket!

This is fine

Today, I walked into the house I share with my boyfriend and found his mum sashaying up and down the hall. When she saw me, she exclaimed, "Oh, you've got to tell me where you get your underwear from!" Yep, she was wearing my panties. Neither she nor her son could see why I would be upset by that. FML

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2890

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

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By - 5/11/2020 23:03

Crashtony Cartano here

Today, my husband sped my car up to 80 in a 30, and almost crashed, which would have killed us both. What did I do to set him off? I played a song he didn't like. FML

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932

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By fml - United States

Today, after 3 years at my job I received a 14% raise. I was informed I will be transitioned from hourly to salary. I will now be making $1500 LESS than I made last year. FML

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38575

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By dannytriplet - United States

Today, I got my son's phone bill (the phone I got him to call us from college). I found out he's been calling a phone sex hotline everyday. He hasn't called us once. FML

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By Derek Lee - United States

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

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By Dave - United States - Brookfield

Today, I left my number on my receipt for a cute waitress. As I was leaving the bar, she came running out and called me over. I obviously got excited. Turns out I'd forgotten to sign my slip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying at my after-wedding party, after promising she'd behave herself. She thinks my husband is an awful person who'll drag me into a life of sin, all because he has a tattoo and an ear piercing. FML

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29976

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By youcould'vejusttoldme - United States - College Station

Today, my roommate started packing up for when we move out in August. Thirty boxes later, I realized she's leaving me with only a dishtowel and a skillet while she traipses through Europe for the summer. She even packed the silverware. And the curtains. FML

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3272

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By Anonymous

Today, I finished my first shift at my new summer job. I've only been working there for 6 hours and they already call me, "The blonde one". I made straight A's in my last semester of college. FML

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1440

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By kentrm - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had one of my biggest dance shows ever. After months of practice I had finally gotten the lead position. When I entered the stage and raised my arms my straps fell down and I flashed an audience of 5000. FML

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4525

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By looking - United States

Today, I joined a dating website and spent all day filling out and improving my profile. My first match is a guy who relentlessly tried to date me for all 4 years of high school. Now he just has more reasons to tell me how much we're meant to be. We're a 97% match. FML

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By condom_kid - United States

Today, my father pulled me aside right before heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your short's pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML

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Top comments

By GhostFox | 33

#7460453 - Friday 26 May 2017 6:07

Whoever said that has obviously never been in a nursing home for the elderly.

They get up to some major shit in those.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7460594 - Friday 26 May 2017 12:19

Let me guess, your wife told you that?

COMMENTS

By GhostFox | 33

#7460453 - Friday 26 May 2017 6:07

Whoever said that has obviously never been in a nursing home for the elderly.

They get up to some major shit in those.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7460594 - Friday 26 May 2017 12:19

Let me guess, your wife told you that?

azouwa | 26

#7461331 - Saturday 27 May 2017 22:47

lol Nah, some 20 yo girls I go to school with. but still funny.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7460640 - Friday 26 May 2017 13:50

just TRY telling that to all those frisky elderly people!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7460683 - Friday 26 May 2017 16:07

That's what you get when you go trolling the high schools for "dates."

Or so I've heard.

azouwa | 26

#7463245 - Wednesday 31 May 2017 19:42

RichardPencil | 30

#7463982 - Friday 2 June 2017 3:37

Plot twist: the assignment was a study of medieval road-building techniques.

By Pixiewolfe | 46

#7460784 - Friday 26 May 2017 20:21

Obviously the person never clicked on the milf/filf section on porn sites.every one loves sex!

By Talented73 | 54

#7463700 - Thursday 1 June 2017 15:21

No you're not, you're torally bangable :-)

By fishwizard | 6

#7463813 - Thursday 1 June 2017 20:31

You're never too old for sex

By stephh_1 | 11

#7480735 - Thursday 6 July 2017 18:09

You can never be too old for sex, whoever said that obviously is an idiot!

By Rootbeerbum | 15

#7533710 - Friday 25 August 2017 10:46

if thatsbtwonold I have 5 years and 4 months to go