Intimacy: Today, I was told I'm too old for sex. I'm 35. FML - FML

By azouwa

Today, I was told I'm too old for sex. I'm 35. FML

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azouwa tells us more :

There's nothing wrong with going to a senior graduation to figure out who just turned 18!! lol, Nah. seriously, a few girls and I were working on an assignment, and them, being 20, only wanted to discuss fornication. So I told a few stories, and when jaws dropped, I went back to work on the paper we're writing. (I'm female btw).

Dementia or hate? You decide

Don't give up

The sweet smell of success

By Julie - Denmark - F?rup

Today, it's been three months since my sister broke her car, meaning she couldn't get to work, and I've giving her money every month so she could buy food and so on. I just found out that her workplace is less than 200 metres from where she lives. FML

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By seminole711 - United States

Today, I put my sexiest lingerie on, lit candles, put some sensual music on, and got my bed ready to surprise my boyfriend when he came home. I positioned myself in the sexiest pose possible. He came home and didn't come in my room for 20 minutes because of a football game. FML

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By argh - United States

Today, my mother gave my daughter a behavior chart. I noticed that "drinking beer" was at the top of one of the columns. It's a chart for my daughter to use on me so my mother can judge my parenting skills. I am currently losing a sticker right now for being on the computer. FML

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By ouch - Australia

Crispy

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

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By thisentiretime... - United States - Morristown

Today, I found out that my recurring acne is actually bedbug bites. I have wasted about a hundred dollars on acne cream. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lowell

Today, I was taking a hike through the Appalachians. I lost my balance in a steep area, and grabbed for a root along the trail above me. It turned to not be a root, but a large, angry snake. FML

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By Laserbeaver - United States - Milton

Today, I finally handed my girlfriend a portrait of her. I'm not the best drawer, but I spent weeks on it and I thought it turned out pretty good. When she looked at it, she asked what kind of dog was it. FML

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By soooyeah - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

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By drop dead single - United States

Today, on our third date, my date tried to get me drunk and kept trying to touch me up. When I said he was moving too fast, he sighed and soon left. Just minutes later, he posted on Facebook saying "Just got friendzoned -_-". One of his friends commented: "I hate bitches, man." FML

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By Ah - France

Today, my boyfriend said we should re-enact a porn episode he saw. I jokingly said yes. He had an outfit and everything. I thought it was going to be fun, until he started playing Bon Jovi in the background. FML

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By BatBee - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, I received a phone call from my boss, from the other side of the country. It seems the conference I sent him to is actually happening next week. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, My family and I were in New Orleans. We passed by all of the naughty peep shows with posters of naked women everywhere on the way to dinner. At the restaurant, my dad asks me if that was the first pair of boobs I have seen. My mom butted in saying, "Nah, remember all that porn we found?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat for the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, 50,000 copies of the new edition of the town's phone book came out. I manage a pizza place and bought a full menu ad. Apparently the ad designer got confused, as they placed my cell phone number in huge bold letters at the bottom of the ad instead of the store's phone number. FML

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By konichiwa - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my friends. My friend started talking about how unfair it is that women can use their breasts to get promotions. I told him that he has no place to talk, as he used his "d*ck" a few months ago with his female boss. His girlfriend of 3 years was sitting next to me. FML

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By really - United States

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he got up and said he needed to go home because he was tired and just wanted to relax and watch TV. That's what we were doing. FML

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By candy man - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, my girlfriend got up in the middle of sex saying, "You're taking too long, I'm gonna go make some popcorn." I asked her if she could get me some. She said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Happy anniversary!

Today, it's my husband's and my first wedding anniversary. I came home from work hoping for at least a bouquet of flowers, only to find my husband passed out on the couch, with a few beer cans next to him. I guess I missed the party. FML

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By Sydney - United States - Houston

Today, I told my mom we get Monday off due to Martin Luther King Jr. day. She then insisted that I had to go to school because that is "only for black people." FML

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By embaressed - United States

Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML

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By mazey93 - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, I passed out on the way to work. Some lucky passerby took this as an opportunity to help themself to my purse. FML

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By TuralSucks - United States

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I really like, and she was telling me how crappy her day was. Trying to be nice, I gave her a back rub. I somehow managed to unhook her bra. FML

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By wtfmama - United States - Hudson

Today, I walked into the living room to find my 11-year-old daughter about to kiss her "not my boyfriend" on the lips. When I asked what she thought she was doing, she peeled a piece of scotch tape off her lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML

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By samaris

Today, 5 months after doing a shoot for a stock photo site, someone finally used one of my photos. In an article about meth abuse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I saw my ex best friend and my cheating ex-girlfriend hanging out at the gym, where I work. They signed up here just to piss me off. It's working. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working as a paramedic when my patient's colostomy bag exploded all over me. I was covered in fecal matter, with 5 hours left on my shift. FML

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By whattheactualfuck - South Africa - Durban

Today, my new girlfriend's father made good on his "What you do to her I do to you" threat when he took me out for drinks and then drunkenly hit on me. FML

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By surfergal91 - United States

Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Howell

Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML

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By Sara - 22/9/2020 07:54 - Canada

Don't feed the animals

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

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By ZiggyTink - United States - North Branch

Bashing

Today, my boyfriend's brother and his fiancée decided to preach to me about how I need to read the Bible because I'm agnostic. I'd be fine, if it wasn't coming from two 19-year-olds who dated for 5 months, got pregnant, got engaged, lost the baby, and still wanna get married, "so they don't look bad." FML

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By ugh - Canada

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 23:01

You've got some explaining to do

Today, my boyfriend accidentally synced his contacts to my phone. I'm not sure who I want to message first, "Amber (Big Ass)", "Kayla (Baby Girl)", or one of the other 64 with similar descriptions in parentheses. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my custom printed Christmas cards that I reviewed twice before ordering, came in the mail. This year I will be wishing everyone a "wondeful" holiday season. I'm an elementary school teacher. FML

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By oopsjsp90 - Australia

Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh... Thats actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

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By Vomit

Today, we had a patient projectile vomiting in our ambulance. I didn't know she had puked on our cot until I found it with my bare hand at the hospital. FML

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Top comments

By GhostFox | 33

#7460453 - Friday 26 May 2017 6:07

Whoever said that has obviously never been in a nursing home for the elderly.

They get up to some major shit in those.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7460594 - Friday 26 May 2017 12:19

Let me guess, your wife told you that?

COMMENTS

By GhostFox | 33

#7460453 - Friday 26 May 2017 6:07

Whoever said that has obviously never been in a nursing home for the elderly.

They get up to some major shit in those.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7460594 - Friday 26 May 2017 12:19

Let me guess, your wife told you that?

Reply

azouwa | 26

#7461331 - Saturday 27 May 2017 22:47

lol Nah, some 20 yo girls I go to school with. but still funny.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7460640 - Friday 26 May 2017 13:50

just TRY telling that to all those frisky elderly people!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7460683 - Friday 26 May 2017 16:07

That's what you get when you go trolling the high schools for "dates."

Or so I've heard.

Reply

azouwa | 26

#7463245 - Wednesday 31 May 2017 19:42

There's nothing wrong with going to a senior graduation to figure out who just turned 18!! lol, Nah. seriously, a few girls and I were working on an assignment, and them, being 20, only wanted to discuss fornication. So I told a few stories, and when jaws dropped, I went back to work on the paper we're writing. (I'm female btw).

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7463982 - Friday 2 June 2017 3:37

Plot twist: the assignment was a study of medieval road-building techniques.

By Pixiewolfe | 46

#7460784 - Friday 26 May 2017 20:21

Obviously the person never clicked on the milf/filf section on porn sites.every one loves sex!

By Talented73 | 54

#7463700 - Thursday 1 June 2017 15:21

No you're not, you're torally bangable :-)

By fishwizard | 6

#7463813 - Thursday 1 June 2017 20:31

You're never too old for sex

By stephh_1 | 11

#7480735 - Thursday 6 July 2017 18:09

You can never be too old for sex, whoever said that obviously is an idiot!

By Rootbeerbum | 15

#7533710 - Friday 25 August 2017 10:46

if thatsbtwonold I have 5 years and 4 months to go