Today, I was told I'm too old for sex. I'm 35. FML

6147

495

Today, whilst at work, my dad decided to call me and sing an entire rendition of 'The Gambler' by Kenny Rogers. There was a big line of people, and my boss had been standing nearby checking out my phone. I had to stand there and listen to the whole song. FML

azouwa tells us more :

There's nothing wrong with going to a senior graduation to figure out who just turned 18!! lol, Nah. seriously, a few girls and I were working on an assignment, and them, being 20, only wanted to discuss fornication. So I told a few stories, and when jaws dropped, I went back to work on the paper we're writing. (I'm female btw).

Intimacy

Messed up

Social distancing gone wrong

Race against the clock

By embarrassedinretail - 20/1/2010 10:01 - Australia

21781

4860

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

By Clueless - 14/5/2011 23:35 - United States

49668

4374

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 23:16 - United States

35836

2729

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

By dumped - 1/7/2009 17:25 - United States

68416

4684

Today, my co-workers figured out that I was in high school when my husband was in kindergarten. They won't stop calling me a "cougar". FML

By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 03:19 - United States - Warsaw

34989

52313

Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML

By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 20:51 - United States

29910

3977

Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for "pain in the a**". FML

By Pita - 4/12/2010 20:35 - United States

28278

6520

Today, I had to call out of work because I was ill, but they didn't believe me because today was the day I was supposed to come back from vacation. Now I'm stuck at work, constantly running to the bathroom, and they still won't let me go home. FML

By noworkformeplease - 9/3/2017 16:00

5166

359

Today, in the middle of the store, my daughter pointed at my belly and loudly announced that she was going to have a brother. I'm a man, and apparently I need to lose weight. FML

By Anonymous - 19/8/2012 05:30 - United States

25661

5909

Today, a few people in my class used calculators on the math final exam, even though it clearly stated at the top that they weren't allowed. The teacher found out, and now everyone has to retake the 200-question exam. I didn't even use a calculator. FML

By Anonymous - 29/1/2017 14:00 - United States

7604

476

Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML

By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 23:01

Caught spunk-handed

605

1922

Today, I now accept how stupid I was to marry a man whose plans for the future all start with "When I win the lottery..." FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2016 17:38 - Canada - Newmarket

20467

9593

Today, my mother spent over $5,000 to fly in a Feng-Shui master, put him in a five-star hotel, and had him walk around our house with a compass, moving things to help improve the "energy flow." Now all I have in my room is an old mattress and lamp. He's coming back tomorrow. FML

By Agathus - 10/11/2011 14:35 - United Arab Emirates

37277

3293

Today, my husband deleted the Messenger app, because he doesn't use it a lot, and people can text him. That's fine, but he didn't tell any of his contacts that. All his friends think he's blocked them. He's now pouting, because no one's texting him. He's not on Facebook, so no-one sees him there either. FML

By NoFriends - 6/10/2020 16:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Social media was a mistake

878

144

Today, my girl and I were in bed trying to nap before class. She kept tossing and turning, obvious signs that she was having no luck. Sweetly, I ask her if there was anything I could do to help her relax. She says "you can tell me a story about your day, that always puts me to sleep". FML

By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 17:23 - United States

60370

7929

Today, while waiting for a doctors appointment, my husband started playing angry birds. Continually losing the game ended up raising his blood pressure to the point where he now has to have his medication changed. The new medication is $100 copay. FML

By Username - 27/8/2011 00:20 - United States

29635

3247

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me that he had cheated on me two months ago with my best friend. I decided to give him a second chance. About twenty minutes later, he then broke up with me for not wanting to watch football. Apparently I don't care about his feelings. FML

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 15:03 - United States

30691

12950

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I think I'm average looking. He told me that it was OK, unless he wakes up tomorrow with some standards, I'm good enough. FML

By SarahAnne - 13/8/2019 22:00

1684

362

Today, my boyfriend asked when I was going to bed, because he wanted to have sex. With himself. FML

By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 08:01

Mr Loverman

1483

255

Today, I let out a huge fart during a job interview. I was the one conducting the interview. FML

By Anonymous - 13/8/2015 01:18 - United States - Kingman

22305

5151

Today, I told my mom that I want to try out for a singing competition on TV, so I might be able to kick off my musical career. She convinced me to sing a song for her, so I did. Mid-way through, she lost it, burst into laughter, and told me to stay in school. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2013 20:56 - United States - Collingswood

39806

12128

Today, I went to a going away party for a coworker. I had brought weed for the party and at one point a guy asked me if I have a Grindr. I replied, "No, I don't use those dating apps. I do have a Fetlife but that's it, if you want it." He apparently meant a weed grinder. Most awkward 3 hours ever. FML

By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 04:02 - United States - Holmdel

Miscommunication

470

930

Today, I put up a sign asking motorcyclists to slow down near horses, as the noise can spook them. While I was riding near the sign, a biker slowed to read it, looked at me, then revved his engine loudly and raced off. My horse bucked me off into some brambles and bolted. FML

By BriarFace - 29/3/2016 01:56 - United States - Springfield

20847

2142

Today, I was counselling a soon-to-be teen mom. She has a younger step-brother, and when I asked her how she handled him when he cries, she said, "Oh, that's when you cover their face until they stop!" FML

By Anonymous - 17/11/2014 02:25 - United States - Dearborn

35096

2570

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

By TimJack18 - 4/1/2015 23:14 - United States - Whiteville

29779

5168

Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

By Username - 10/7/2012 15:27 - United States

27107

9346

Today, as soon as I put my card into an ATM, the words "Out of Order" popped up and it would not return my card. Since I was at the bank, I got a free replacement. Trying to draw money again the second machine did the same thing and a third card costs more than what I have in my account. FML

By Rightswiper - 26/7/2017 05:00 - South Africa

Trolled by technology

4487

481

Today, a girl called me a racist, stereotyping asshole. All I did was ask a kid who happens to be Asian to tutor me in math. Which I didn't do just because he's Asian, but rather because he's in college and is actually a brilliant mathematician. FML

By yep, she does have a tumblr - 18/7/2015 02:26 - United States - San Francisco

30385

2102

Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML

By pmek - 26/3/2012 09:11 - Australia - Collingwood

32302

3247

Today, I entered my first professional fight as a mixed martial artist. It's been my dream to become a UFC champion one day. All I do is train and watch UFC fights all day. I was out cold in a matter of seconds. FML

By yeah - 22/6/2012 03:07 - United States

14688

27632

Today, an extremely hot police officer reprimanded me. It was pretty awkward considering she stopped me because of public urination. FML

By Anonymous - 28/5/2012 03:24 - United States - Spring Grove

6858

34059

Today, I have an infected piercing because I'm allergic to the metal. My ear is so swollen that I can't remove the jewelry. It won't get better until I'm able to remove the jewelry. FML

By pierced - 1/5/2016 17:56 - United States - Marble Falls

12700

1711

Today, I was again turned down by a potential host family on a student exchange site. Their reasoning was basically that since I'm American, I might do something to endanger my health, get hurt, and then sue them over my own stupidity. FML

By thanks, my fellow americans - 18/4/2013 21:41 - United States - Woodlyn

47585

13581

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

By BigBallah93 - 5/7/2009 15:23 - China

13745

55162

Today, my piano teacher told me that she "forgot" to inform me that she volunteered me to play a 5 page song in a recital in front of 300 people that's happening next week. FML

By pianonerd - 15/9/2009 06:16 - Canada

40797

3327

Today, I got l disconnect notices for both my water and my electric. After looking over my budget, I realized that I can only pay for one until next month. FML

By troubled - 2/1/2010 20:27 - France

27052

7275

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2012 23:15 - United States - Providence

27190

2729

Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML

By DirtyCharmed - 1/11/2011 06:29 - United States

38576

2617

Today, my girlfriend and I were out to dinner. She had to use the bathroom, so she went, but the food came while she was in there. She came out, yelling at me for ordering the food to come that exact time, then she broke up with me. FML

By Nico711 - 30/3/2019 02:00

2287

180

Today, an old man looked me dead in the eyes as he reached into my tip jar, grabbed the money, and then walked out of the store as if nothing ever happened. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything to stop him. FML

By brokeasajoke - 1/11/2013 12:58 - United States - El Reno

42680

10720