Today, I was told I'm too old for sex. I'm 35. FML

6137

495

Today, a guy left flowers on my doorstep. I got home to find my dad claiming he bought them for my mum. I told my parents they were mine, they laughed in my face. FML

azouwa Say more :

There's nothing wrong with going to a senior graduation to figure out who just turned 18!! lol, Nah. seriously, a few girls and I were working on an assignment, and them, being 20, only wanted to discuss fornication. So I told a few stories, and when jaws dropped, I went back to work on the paper we're writing. (I'm female btw).

Intimacy

Proactive

Boozehound

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By lp525252 - 20/3/2013 10:59 - Australia - Miranda

38735

3124

Today, I bumped into a lady, apologised and tried to continue on. She screamed assault and tried to citizen's arrest me. I've got better things to do, so I ignored her but she latched onto my leg like a toddler. I ended up dragging this insane woman up the street until she finally let go. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 17:00

Nutters Inc.

1821

124

Today, I got a speeding ticket. My speedometer got busted a few weeks back, rendering it useless. My father, a former mechanic, decided it's not worth the trouble of going in and fixing it. "Just keep with traffic when you're on the highway; you'll be fine." This $150 fee says otherwise. FML

By ZThirteen - 25/10/2009 10:08 - United States

14075

28559

Today, a coworker asked me how I was because I looked down. I said, "You don't want to know." They replied, "You're right, I don't," and walked off. FML

By makayta - 8/10/2016 06:20 - United States - Los Angeles

8720

3723

Today, I told my dad that I have a very serious drinking problem and that I need to go to rehab because I can't stop on my own. He told me that I just need to make new friends and suggested I join a sorority. FML

By Anonymous - 24/9/2009 14:34 - United States

37354

6478

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

By oh lord - 27/5/2012 16:06 - Canada - Oshawa

28422

16755

Today, I brought my new puppy home. I saw her sniffing around, so I took her outside to do her business. She simply played in the grass for ten minutes, so I brought her in. She walked in the door, squatted, and shit. She has diarrhea. This is the fourth time today. FML

By Patrick - 14/10/2012 04:39 - United States - Sulphur

25428

3974

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

By missbutthole - 4/6/2011 13:07 - United States

34569

3859

Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

By xRyu - 9/10/2014 00:30 - United States - Denver

35103

2822

Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML

By jina - 18/3/2009 03:48 - Korea Republic of

20995

64963

Today, in response to a text asking if I wanted to meet for brunch, I wrote, "Oh dear god I'm so hungover I could die and I'm still in my same clothes from last night. Not a chance." It was our 5-year college reunion and the number I sent that to was actually an old professor, not an old friend. FML

By FIM - 12/1/2017 15:18

3235

4861

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML

By T-Guy - 3/7/2011 03:01 - United States

16230

50642

Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML

By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 14:00

Sneaky

1759

175

Today, I was speaking to an old friend and I asked her how her mother was. She replied, "She passed away, you came to her funeral last month." FML

By elizabethyeo - 20/2/2012 10:01 - Australia

10403

46080

Today, I found out that the girl I've been in love with for a long while got back together with her ex boyfriend because he had confessed his true feelings to her through a note in her locker. It was my note. FML

By Anonymous - 19/4/2009 19:21 - United States

115078

11574

Today, I got mugged. For an actual mug. FML

By irony, huh? - 20/10/2019 14:00

Alexa, play "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette

1254

Today, I looked at my bank balance. It read $1.23. That's higher than it usually is. FML

By amused - 23/6/2014 21:26 - Canada - Toronto

46423

8717

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

By foreverafatty - 31/3/2011 05:49 - United States

30496

15747

Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML

By stinkypants - 10/11/2011 03:15 - India

30672

11792

Today, my boyfriend told me that the main reason he was dating me was because he was intimidated by pretty girls. FML

By Lisa - 1/10/2012 21:09 - United States - Bayside

28959

2328

Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML

By WasNotAdopted - 28/4/2015 13:26 - United States - San Francisco

39939

2986

Today, I hooked up with a guy I'm totally in love with. After finishing, he burst into tears about being in love with another girl. I had to comfort him. FML

By random - 29/1/2012 10:53 - United Kingdom

35386

5368

Today, my husband and I took a walk on the wharf. We walked by a Wax Museum and in front of the museum there was a bench with a very realistic wax man sitting on it. I got very close to his face and yelled over to my husband how realistic the wax man looked. Just then, he coughed. FML

By Anonymous - 14/2/2010 01:21 - United States

8666

34590

Today, I had to explain to a friend that the show writers for Glee did not write "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that Freddie Mercury did not steal the song from them. We're both 17 years old, and she reacted by kicking a chair at me. FML

By Anonymous - 28/4/2013 03:16 - United States - Atlanta

48076

3419

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

By Spooderman - 4/2/2016 02:04 - United States

25672

2445

Today, I received a series of rejection letters from jobs, one after the other. Last night, I stayed up into the wee morning hours to apply to campus jobs I'm not qualified for, because I was classified as a part-time student due to an administrative error. FML

By Jesse Thames - 16/5/2019 04:03

1557

129

Today, I pulled a muscle in my face. Chewing gum. For the second time. FML

By Bad at life - 18/10/2018 13:30

2000

577

Today, while I was in the break room at work, one of my coworkers walked in on me playing with my animal crackers, complete with animal noises. Now, the entire department won't stop teasing me and calling me Tarzan. FML

By Anonymous - 2/1/2012 20:55 - United States

14652

36659

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train looked like he was about to be sick. I quickly handed him the nearest bag I could find, a bag full of my lunch for that day. Safe to say he held nothing back. FML

By xmelissadavisx - 28/11/2015 12:21

21459

3520

Today, I had to go to the hospital to get a harmonica removed from my mouth. FML

By wheezy - 6/9/2011 02:52 - United States

14956

28115

Today, my boyfriend's mum begged me to stay with my boyfriend because she says I'm the only one who can actually get him through college and into a decent job. FML

By anony - 24/5/2016 12:57 - New Zealand - East Tamaki

12570

1024

Today, while walking to my car after work, I witnessed some moron who was texting while riding her bike running right into my parked car, resulting in a broken side mirror, a damaged windshield, two dents, and for her, a broken phone and nose. She's threatening to sue me for damages. FML

By Anon - 8/4/2013 22:04 - United States - Bowling Green

45821

2464

Today, my brother tried to pay me to teach him how to French-kiss, so he wouldn't screw up on his first date. I'm shocked that the weirdo managed to get a date in the first place. FML

By doesn't fuck on the first, thank god - 23/3/2014 20:25 - United Kingdom - Southend-on-sea

45383

4533

Today, my older brother puked in the sound hole of my sister's guitar. He blamed it on me, and in revenge my sister beat me with the guitar. FML

By Pukey - 28/3/2015 21:30 - United States

30475

2179

Today, after having just cleaned my office at work, I sat at my desk and opened a can of Diet Coke, which then exploded all over my desk, keyboard, and everything else in its path. FML

By Seriously - 24/5/2011 17:46 - United States

29668

8152

Today, I took my best friend out for a night in town, after he got dumped by his girlfriend recently. As we were walking around, we passed a group of hot women, a couple who were checking him out. Trying to be encouraging, I said "He's single!" and winked. One of the girls was his ex-girlfriend. FML

By badbestfriend - 4/8/2009 16:15 - United States

44120

9965

Today, my roommate reached a whole new level of laziness: I caught him casually peeing into an empty beer bottle while laying in bed. FML

By Anonymous - 18/3/2016 20:57 - United States - Valley Stream

18424

1349

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be hot to get it on in the gym storage room at school. Apparently so did my Chemistry and Drama teachers. FML

By TRAMATIZED - 8/9/2009 22:08 - Canada

31048

7561

Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML

By Somethingswrongwiththispic - 5/8/2010 08:17 - United States

10153

46772

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time, after he repeatedly told me not to worry about bleeding, and reassuring me that he'd take care of me. He passed out halfway through. FML

By JoshuasGirl - 23/12/2013 19:13 - United States - Grand Rapids

53872

6360