Today, I started driving with Lyft to fill the time until my...

By nitrok - 8/6/2017 22:00

Today, I started driving with Lyft to fill the time until my new job starts next month. On my very first fare, my car died. FML

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Work

Transportation

Dad jokes, part 43884

Assumptions

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonypiss - 22/7/2015 16:21 - Canada - Pembroke

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman says "nice dog" and without thinking I respond, "you too." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, my second roommate in less then a week got a DUI. Both roommates are demanding that I drive them around for free until they get their licenses back, or else they won't have the funds to pay their rent. FML

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By LoveTheElder - 11/5/2016 01:38 - United States - San Clemente

Today, the elderly lady I work for got mad at me, all because I wouldn't feed her imaginary friend. FML

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By cootiequeen - 1/6/2014 04:13 - United States

Today, at work, a lady approached me asking if I'd found a used cloth diaper on a table, and I told her it was probably in the trash. She said "That's okay, I can wash it." So I searched through several bags of trash, and when I couldn't find it, she said "Oh never mind! It's in my bag." FML

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By anonymous - 12/8/2009 16:14 - Canada

Today, my 15-year-old daughter asked for a ride to her boyfriend's house. It's the same house I've been driving her to for sleepovers with her friend "Kate" for two years. FML

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By jobless - 20/1/2009 16:52 - France

Today, I've been dating a girl for a year and she's only touched my penis twice. Once by accident. FML

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By Birthday blues - 13/12/2018 22:00

Today, it's my birthday. I lit my birthday candles on the cake I made myself and blew them out alone, while my worthless husband sat on the couch stuffing Doritos in his face. My present? He sprayed Lysol in the bathroom after he took a dump. FML

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By very analytical - 26/6/2015 19:56 - United States - Ashland

Today, our outgoing boss told us about guy who's replacing him, saying he's very nice but very anal about things. Without thinking, I shrugged and said "Anal's not bad." Now everyone's calling me Anal-Girl. FML

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By FlyingWhisps - 27/9/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, my grandparents came to visit. So far, they have called me fat, bragged about how my cousin is better than me, and told me how I'm not good enough for them. It's okay, though, they gave me a pretzel from the airline and a textbook on physics. In another language. FML

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By AgentOrion - 29/8/2014 04:16 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

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By buckerooo - 3/12/2019 20:00

Too much feeling!

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky when we decide to try the old 69. One thing leads to another when her clit ring went deep into my nose, and leaving me feeling like the wrong kind of bull. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2014 02:09 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Today, I was walking through town with my hood up and noticed people giving me funny looks. It wasn't until I got home that I realised the umbrella I was holding over my head had been closed the whole time. FML

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By FreeOfCharge - 21/9/2009 06:06 - Canada

Today, I got a client who ordered ice cream. She seemed really nice and I thought maybe she was into me. When I asked if she wanted peanuts for an additional 50 cents, she said no. Trying to be nice, I added them anyway free of charge. I later had to call the ambulance. She was allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 06:17 - United States - Oakland

Today, I saw my cat playing with one of his many toy mice. Knowing he likes to play fetch, I picked it up and threw it across the room. Upon trying to pick it up a second time, I realized that not only was it not a toy, but it was only half-dead. FML

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By married to a bipedal husky - 12/7/2016 21:52 - United States - Lake Butler

Today, I found out that my wife sheds worse than a husky when she showers. I've had to clean the drain before I shower or it floods the bathroom floorrrrr. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2019 14:00

Willpower

Today, I started my new health kick: granola for breakfast, salad for lunch and gym after work. I was so proud of myself until I couldn’t take it anymore and binged at McDonald’s. My health kick lasted 11 hours. FML

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By JohnFarrell - 24/4/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Marteeny - 9/6/2016 03:14

Today, my mom said my boobs are finally getting bigger and that I've finally hit puberty. I'll be celebrating my 31st birthday next week. FML

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By lawdy - 21/5/2017 20:00

Today, I told my daughter that she's going to be a big sister, because there is a baby growing in my tummy. She's been sobbing because I can't convince her that I didn't eat a baby. FML

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By Noname - 11/3/2009 20:29 - United States

Today, I walked behind a girl I hooked up with last weekend while she was on the computer in the library. I noticed she was looking at my facebook page and got excited. Then I heard her say to her friend, "This is the one smallest penis I have ever seen." FML

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By bananamuffin - 30/3/2012 19:13 - United States

Today, I realized that the "holla" tattoo I stupidly got on my lower lip five years ago isn't fading as I expected it to, and will probably contribute to my unemployment for years to come. FML

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By mybad - 11/9/2014 03:57 - United States

Today, at work, a midget came in to buy beer. Not only was he almost as tall as me, he got offended when I had to card him and explain that the manager told me to card everyone, and that it wasn't because he was short. FML

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By Sayahh - 7/1/2017 08:07

Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML

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By anonymus - 27/5/2012 01:48 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 22:00 - Australia - Brighton

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

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By face - 25/3/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, my friends decided that I eat too many snacks. To emphasize this point, they went behind my back and printed 300 pages with my face and the words "NO SNACKS" on them. They were posted in every academic building on campus, including every room I have class in. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML

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By notcountry! - 27/6/2019 02:30

Today, even though my mom’s only ever been to the south once, she’s completely obsessed with talking with a bad, overly exaggerated southern accent. Not to mention constantly prattling off random nonsensical country phrases. We’re from and still live in California, nowhere near any country. FML

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By LifeSucks - 17/11/2018 05:00

Today, I came home to an empty house. I found a note from my wife telling me she was bisexual and found love in a woman. I FaceTimed my sister to tell her about it, and who do I see with her? My wife. FML

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By Renesmeekuhnell - 28/2/2010 16:00 - Denmark

Today, I had to walk through the blistering snow, because my boss needed something really important: cream cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2011 19:35 - United States

Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML

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By busybee - 10/5/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2015 17:41

Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML

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By Nikki - 8/6/2019 22:00

Today, I walked into my bathroom to my boyfriend bragging about how much better his butt looked than mine, all while wearing my jeans. FML

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By awkwardballer - 24/5/2016 16:53

Today, while playing basketball with my new coworkers, I managed to get the ball stuck between the hoop and backboard. In trying to free it, I also got a traffic cone stuck and ended up having to drag a large ladder across the court while everyone watched. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2017 00:00

Today, my mother told my boyfriend a cute story about me when I was little. The one where my cousin and I were caught pooping in a urinal in the church basement. FML

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By hatestomove - 26/5/2010 14:21 - United States

Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don't worry, my body cushioned the TV's fall. FML

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By Pandistoteles - 14/4/2015 21:17 - United States

Today, I took my 5-year-old daughter to the play place at McDonalds but I had to keep her busy, instead of letting her play. A mom was teaching her 3-year-old daughter how to pole dance, using the play place's poles. FML

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By Lady Madeira von Cuntshunt - 21/3/2014 20:46 - United States - Denver

Today, I received my employee ID, which I have to wear at all times at my new job. The only problem is that in my photo, I look like a donkey having a seizure. Customers keep snickering at it, and my boss thinks I posed like that deliberately. FML

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Top comments

By eyepuppy | 31

#7467427 - Thursday 8 June 2017 22:01

Need a lyft?

By Druu | 53

#7467439 - Thursday 8 June 2017 22:30

FYL, man. Now you're contractually obligated to carry the passenger to his/her destination.

Comments

By eyepuppy | 31

#7467427 - Thursday 8 June 2017 22:01

Need a lyft?

By Druu | 53

#7467439 - Thursday 8 June 2017 22:30

FYL, man. Now you're contractually obligated to carry the passenger to his/her destination.

By imnotcleverenoughforthis | 14

#7467441 - Thursday 8 June 2017 22:36

Time to invest in a skateboard

By Little Richard | 10

#7467463 - Thursday 8 June 2017 23:54

Time to get out the Rickshaw.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7467482 - Friday 9 June 2017 0:20

Life's not fare!

That must have been Uber-embarrassing!

Zyblix | 15

#7468308 - Saturday 10 June 2017 19:00

I hope your bad puns lyfted their spirits

RichardPencil | 28

#7468328 - Saturday 10 June 2017 19:34

Thanks, that's what I was driving at.

By s25_fml | 7

#7467553 - Friday 9 June 2017 6:40

bummer OP

By independent minded | 3

#7474306 - Wednesday 21 June 2017 13:31

Ouch!! Oh, no! Sorry that happened to you.