Intimacy: Today, I realized why my dad got mad when he found out that my...

This is a Nearly FML. It’s an FML, nearly. It got positive votes from the users, by wasn’t approved by our team.

By seriouslydad - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I realized why my dad got mad when he found out that my girlfriend and I have sex. Turns out he's jealous because he thinks she's hot, and wishes he was the one sleeping with her. FML

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Intimacy

There's no helping some people

Heartless

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a two-hour bus ride to get to orientation, got stuck a block away because the pedestrian sidewalk was closed, waited half-an-hour for my ride in the rain, when someone called the cops on me for acting suspicious. I got to the interview soaking wet, and they told me they'd rescheduled. FML

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By Shannon - United States

Today, while at a hotel for vacation with my brother and his wife, I was watching their two-month old daughter in the waterpark when a woman came up to me and said, "Aww your kid is so adorable! Don't worry, you'll get your figure back in no time." I'm a fourteen year old girl. FML

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By jsyn - United States - East Hampton

Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML

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By Aliya - United States

Today, I was eating nacho chips with my nieces when I started to feel that some were wet. I look at my niece and notice she was sucking on the chips, and putting them back in the bag. FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 24/9/2020 01:02 - United States - Ellsworth

Malfunctioning equipment

Today, at work, my front-close bra popped open like an anime character, right in front of the two male coworkers I was talking to. My boobs flung around and I had to pretend nothing happened while subtly crossing my arms and waiting for them to leave so I could fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get to class at 9:00 to take a test. I woke up at 6:00, and figured I could wait a few minutes before getting ready. The next thing I knew, it was 10:30. FML

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By Wouldntitbeniceif - United States

Today, I went for a hike with the local search and rescue volunteer group that I recently joined. I got lost and spent 5 hours wandering aimlessly. FML

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By Jeri - United States

Today, I begged my husband to take me to the ER cause my stomach hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. He told me to go sit on the toilet and stop being a drama queen. I drove myself to the hospital just in time for my appendix to burst. I almost died because my husband was busy playing xbox. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, saying I had a lot on my plate. She responded by throwing an empty plate at my windshield. FML

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By Saddoc - Australia - Dalkeith

Today, I attended an elderly patient's funeral. He died of a heart attack after his daughter, as his carer, stopped all of his meds in favour of a half-cup of garlic a day. Apparently she'd "read an article" about the healing power of garlic, which trumped my 6-year degree. FML

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By lucas_urev - United States - Cold Spring Harbor

Today, I had made a cup of my favorite coffee, which I had recently found to be discontinued. To accompany this last cup, I went to get a muffin. As I turned around, I see my son pouring the cup out because I out put it next to the sink and he thought it was dirty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newville

Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning in my dream. FML

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By jaqlove - United States - Clementon

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

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By LonelyPorkChop - Australia

Today, rather than buying one pork chop big enough for myself, I bought two smaller chops just so the cashier wouldn't think I was eating by myself. FML

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By JOTA - 7/10/2020 04:02 - New Zealand

Jonah begs to differ

Today, my girlfriend told me she was worried about being eaten by a whale while out kayaking on our holiday tour. I told her that she was way larger than whale food, and that it wouldn’t be interested in her. Now she is accusing me of trying to tell her "nicely" that she's fat. FML

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By 11niko - United States

Today, I tried to treat a cut on my butt hole with Neosporin. I couldn't see it properly, so I had to use the front-facing camera on my phone. FML

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By fail land - 2/4/2021 05:00

Come to think of it, no, you didn't

Today, some asswipe keyed a swastika into my car. Did I mention it’s a rental? FML

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By acab93 - United States

Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML

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By still laughing - United States - Providence

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend when he stood up on the bed to get a different experience. I started to get aggressive and pushed him up against the wall. I forgot our bed was on wheels and the bed started sliding away and his body slid down the wall. So much for being sexy. FML

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By disfordiploma - United States

Today, I found out that I'm failing this semester because I've missed too many classes. I've missed the classes because I've been having panic attacks, a symptom of my anxiety disorder. I got the anxiety disorder because I was so afraid of failing school. FML

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By baffleduncle - Canada - Montreal

Today, I listened to my niece explain to me, in great detail, that the Titanic never sank, and that the year it supposedly did was a prediction of 9/11. She learned all of this from some whackjob conspiracy theory videos, and acts like she's an expert now as a result. FML

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By dumb dumb - 14/8/2020 14:00

Not the sharpest crayon in the box

Today, my idiot daughter used my wax warmer to try to give herself a bikini wax using old crayons. Not sure which YouTube idiot she learned it from, but the stench of melted crayon, burnt hair, and singed flesh isn’t a smell I’ll soon be forgetting. FML

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By extraflavour - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a local take-away and ordered a pizza. I watched the worker get my pizza out the oven, then wipe the pizza cutter on the trash bin to get rid of the last pizza's toppings, and then cut my pizza. FML

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By littl3storm

Today, I was trying on bras in a shop when a little kid stuck their head under my stall. I was completely topless and completely surprised when they asked if I was their mommy. I'm 16. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my landlord asked me to get rid of the flower boxes I have at the window in the stairwell. Why? Because they are disgusting. Why are they disgusting? Because his cat keeps using them as a litter box. FML

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By chrono19 - United States - Bremerton

Today, I got a birthday package from my parents. It was all the stuff I'd forgotten there when visiting a month ago, along with some other things I'd left behind when I moved out. FML

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By wellfuck - United States - Clarksville

Today, I got a call from a job I had applied for. Everything went great until I realized I had applied to the wrong location, across town. I'm so broke, I went to the interview anyway. It will cost me more to pay for the gas to drive there to work, than what I will actually make. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out about my severe phobia of moths. It's so bad that I sometimes pass out. He caught a moth in a jar, and put it on my bedside table. I woke up, saw it, and had a panic attack. He recorded it all and wants to upload it to YouTube. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 22:02 - Argentina - Mar De Ajo

Deal with it

Today, apparently having mood swings at 37 weeks pregnant is being "braggy" according to my husband, and totally not acceptable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my boyfriend and I took a nap, fully clothed. I woke up to him panicking. He'd had a wet dream and was scared that his sperm somehow swam through several layers of clothing and got me pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 17:02

Everybody needs good neighbours

Today, I live on the second floor and my neighbor from below banged on my door, telling me I sounded like a giant elephant and needed to learn to be quiet. I was eating ice cream in bed. I also live alone. FML

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By my boyfriend is a slut

Today, I took my new boyfriend to my step-sister's wedding. He knew more people there than I did, including 3 bridesmaids he used to sleep with. FML

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By Chris - United States

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

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By aianmoo16 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a mini arcade and accidentally put a hundred dollar bill through the quarter machine. FML

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By pedestrian - United States

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 23:01

Traditional values

Today, the seemingly normal guy I've been dating for a while told me he is a wolf spirit in a human body to bridge the gap of his ancestors and humans. What?! FML

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By justwantsomeillusionofjustice - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, I stumbled across my school bully on Facebook. She's a successful business owner and engaged to be married. I can't land a job and am hopelessly single. The b***h that served as the catalyst for my depression and suffered no repercussions is getting married on my birthday. FML

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By hatelife - United States

Today, the instructions on my new IKEA bed made me cry. It includes a picture of a person working alone with a frown crossed out and is replaced by two smiling people working together. I have no one in my life to help me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML

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By jezebel - United States

Today, I got a call from the office telling me I was fired. When I asked why, my boss explained my mother called and told him I was in a "weak mental state." She thought she was helping me get off for my birthday. Now I have no job. FML

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Top comments

By toastbrot | 9

#6600988 - Monday 9 May 2016 12:11

your dad is a little bit disgusting...

By DSW_Azrael | 4

#6601020 - Monday 9 May 2016 12:40

"BRAZZERS"

COMMENTS

By logank013 | 20

#6600984 - Monday 9 May 2016 12:08

Uhh... That's not good.

By junjunbun | 28

#6600986 - Monday 9 May 2016 12:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

anyagrande | 31

#6601291 - Monday 9 May 2016 18:55

... there are literally so many jokes about porn you could make

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6601297 - Monday 9 May 2016 19:00

So you had to waste a comment?

By jazzybrar | 14

#6600987 - Monday 9 May 2016 12:11

He's been watching too much dirty grandpa

By toastbrot | 9

#6600988 - Monday 9 May 2016 12:11

your dad is a little bit disgusting...

By Mightyrif | 23

#6600990 - Monday 9 May 2016 12:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By paris_ava | 24

#6601004 - Monday 9 May 2016 12:26

Assuming he's give or take 20 years older than you and your gf, could I recommend therapy? Not normal to wanna sleep with your child's partner

By fushengyuan | 20

#6601011 - Monday 9 May 2016 12:30

Thats messed up. But good for u op! U have a good looking gf

By DSW_Azrael | 4

#6601020 - Monday 9 May 2016 12:40

"BRAZZERS"

BumpkinsBigBash | 8

#6601380 - Monday 9 May 2016 20:49

hilarious

By Mathalamus | 24

#6601038 - Monday 9 May 2016 13:32

i would just nod, and roll with it, just another strange thing...

By ritzkets | 12

#6601042 - Monday 9 May 2016 13:39

you shouldn't be pissed at having such a hottie for a gf

amnesiaspacecat | 5

#6601057 - Monday 9 May 2016 13:59

OP isn't upset about having an attractive girlfriend, its the fact that his dad wants to sleep with her thats *pretty* disturbing.

EagleSonOfEagle | 11

#6602024 - Tuesday 10 May 2016 15:13

What a punderful response. As a father of three, I would think that he should view the gf in the same way he does the son... As a young adult not an object of sexual desire. He should not be thinking of people your age in a sexual light, rather he should be concentrating on helping you two make smart decisions in your relationship.