Health: Today, I met with my trainer, despite having an upset stomach....

By Shan.nel - United States - Greer

Today, I met with my trainer, despite having an upset stomach. Have you ever tried to hold in diarrhea while doing squats? It doesn't end well. FML

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Health

Dementia or hate? You decide

Privacy violation

Miss me yet?

By Nutellalover - Germany - Hennef

Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. She got a little headache after we ordered, so she went outside to get some air. I ate a $100 meal and had Happy Birthday sang to me by the restaurant staff. Alone. FML

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By fijiflu

Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML

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By Hairball - United States

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML

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By opposites don’t attract - 16/9/2020 11:03 - United States

Cosmopolitan's 50 Top Tips for Lonely Saddos!

Today, I was so sad and lonely, so I started browsing articles about how to get a man. Basically every list was naming the exact opposite of everything I am. So I guess if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I have to change everything about me. FML

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By Scabby - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend pulling off scabs and eating them. My scabs. FML

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By LoveStinks

Today, I asked a girl what time she'd like me to pick her up for our date tonight. She didn't know what I was talking about. It seems like, after months of sweaty palms, nervous smiles, and awkward sentences, I only dreamed she said yes to going out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in weeks. She had a hickey. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Around halfway through the procedure, something broke the silence in the room. It was my dentist, who had farted. I had to smell his rancid flatulence for around the next five minutes. All the while, I had to keep my mouth wide open. FML

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By Sarah - 19/3/2021 22:01 - United Kingdom

Stabbed!

Today, I had to convince policemen I’m not a victim of domestic abuse after I had to go to hospital for a stab wound for the second time since Xmas. I’m just hopelessly clumsy. I managed to stab myself with a screwdriver while opening a paint tin. Last time, it was a knitting needle while knitting Xmas jumpers. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my husband's car was stolen from our driveway while he was out jogging. We'd recently had a huge fight, and he accused me of having done this to get revenge. I was at work all day, but it seems this doesn't make any difference to his dumb, paranoid ass. FML

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By Goldar - United States

Today, thinking I was alone at work, I did an impression of Goldar from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I turned around to find out I wasn't alone; a cute girl was staring at me, unimpressed. FML

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By Alexandra - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, my fiancé completely missed the birth of our first child because he had started watching a new series on Netflix and really wanted to know how it ended. By the time he made it to the hospital our daughter was already 7 hours old. FML

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By Stiffed - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, my old boss stiffed me on a large sum of money he owes me. I tried to contact him and point out that he legally owes me the money, but he won't answer his texts or his phone, and the managers say he changes the subject whenever they bring it up. FML

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By momaaa1342 - United States - Elmwood

Just a prank, again

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

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By sober judge - United States - Enfield

Today, I'm in a military academy with a strict no alcohol policy. My friends drunk call me practically every night to tell me how much fun they are having. FML

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By anomynous - 3/12/2020 11:01

Jingle bells

Today, I woke up with my period. At least I'm getting into the Christmas spirit with red and green shorts, right? FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

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By khaelian

Today, at work, a customer left their cell phone behind. I tried to see if there were any pictures so that I could identify them. No, I still don't know what they look like, but I have seen their penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML

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By Queasy - Canada

Today, I found out that sitting in the third row at a 3D movie makes me vomit. Today I also found out that the big burly dude in front of me does not appreciate being vomited on. Now I feel nauseous and have a black eye. Not to mention I missed the last part of the movie. FML

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By CouldBeALoser - United States - West Tehama County

Today, I ordered flowers to be delivered to my workplace on Tuesday. To myself. For my birthday. Because even though birthdays are posted in the monthly newsletter, mine gets left out every year. For the past four years. FML

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By stumpy

Today, we were running late because my hair got tangled in the curtains. My mother-in-law got so angry, she hacked at it, leaving me with a bald patch, then went and sat in the car as though we were still going anywhere with her. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I bought an iTunes giftcard worth $50. I tried to scratch off the little silver thing covering the code with a pair of scissors. I scratched so much that it's now unreadable. FML

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By man down! man down... - Canada - Ottawa

Change it!

Today, I had sex with a friend. It was really good too! Until she kicked me in my right nut while changing positions. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pitching at a fastpitch softball game. The other team chanted about the ball being too high and almost hitting the batter in the eye. After throwing the next pitch, the ball was savagely returned by the batter, straight into my eyes. FML

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By natalie_sarantos - United States - Marshfield

Today, I took a coach bus to travel to New York. Along the way, the bus stopped at Burger King and I went out to buy some food. When I got back, I couldn't find the bus. It left without me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a guy's dorm for the first time. He told me to wait outside for a minute because he had to "clean something up" first. When I told him I'm 420 friendly, he said, "Nah I just came on my desk earlier and didn't feel like wiping it up." FML

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By sadness - South Africa

Today, I went to see a psychiatrist for my depression and low self esteem. While in the waiting room, I overheard a guy telling his friend how ugly I am. FML

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By bruisedego31 - United States - Chicago Heights

Today, I found out there's a rumor going around that my smoking hot co-worker and I had sex over the weekend. I'm not nearly as pissed off about the rumor as I am by the fact that I can't remember it because I was too drunk. FML

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By frenchpop1960 - United States

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kingman

Today, I let out a huge fart during a job interview. I was the one conducting the interview. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at exactly midnight, I get a text from my boyfriend saying we were done. I had just seen him 4 hours ago when we were out celebrating my birthday, and asked why he didnt just tell me then. He replies 'I couldn't break up with you on your birthday but i wanted it to be over ASAP' FML

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By Lisa

Confinement must be great

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because he won’t stop inappropriately talking to other girls on social media. We live together and have 6 months left on our apartment lease. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the landlord tenant act does not apply since I'm living in the same house as my landlord. She's making my life a living hell and breaking my things. I still have 3 months left in the contract. FML

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By Humpday - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML

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By Hairy_Potter - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I had to accept the fact that I'm going bald, after I noticed the hair on my chest is longer than the hair on my head. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7566242 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 1:39

Lemme guess. You shat upon your trainer’s legs and groin causing him to vomit on you?

Same ol’, same ol’

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7566266 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 5:36

I think you misunderstood the "Squatty Potty"...

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7566242 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 1:39

Lemme guess. You shat upon your trainer’s legs and groin causing him to vomit on you?

Same ol’, same ol’

By Sinshine | 27

#7566246 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 2:15

No shit it doesn't end well. What made you think it would?

RichardPencil | 30

#7566249 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 2:23

“No shit?”

Unfortunate choice of words. I’m guessing copious amounts of shit!

By Notmymonkeysnotmycircus | 16

#7566250 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 2:35

That just sounds like a shitstorm!

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7566256 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 3:57

And thus they discovered jet propulsion.

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7566266 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 5:36

I think you misunderstood the "Squatty Potty"...

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7566276 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 7:02

You need to work on your sphincter muscle, ask your trainer for advice on which exercise trains it.

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7566612 - Wednesday 22 November 2017 3:44

yep bc diarrhea cares about muscles. if it wants out it's coming out.

By watchtower1224 | 3

#7566334 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 10:16

Lmfao

By kakabalo | 17

#7566335 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 10:29

shit happens

By lexos | 16

#7566365 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 12:22

Never ever workout with a upset stomach even when when you do other exercises besides leg day. Learned that the hard way

By Akitakat | 31

#7566381 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 13:09

Squats or squirts?