Today, I learned that my mum makes it a habit to listen at the... - FML

By why is there no 'family' category? - 30/8/2018 16:00 - Australia

Today, I learned that my mum makes it a habit to listen at the door whenever I'm on the toilet to make sure my "bowels are in tip-top shape". FML

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Boom, headshot

Buzzing the tower

Vicious and unprovoked

By whoops - 10/6/2020 02:00

Exclusivity

Today, I ran into the guy I’ve been seeing. He was holding hands with another girl. FML

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By spiteful bitch - 25/7/2020 23:00

Surprise!

Today, my boyfriend’s ex found out I was pregnant. Her logical response was to have her teenage sons jump him as he was coming home from work. Now we’re filling out a police report instead of our baby registry. FML

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By jackjona - 16/12/2016 06:03 - United States - Sioux Falls

Today, I closed the store on my own for the first time. As I was locking the front door, the key broke. Now half the key is stuck and the door is still unlocked. I have to stay until we open in the morning and I'm not getting paid for it. FML

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By akward - 4/9/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, I began my job as an intern at a high school. I saw one of the students looked very familiar, and I couldn't remember from where. Then I figured it out, I had hooked up with him at a club last week. He's a junior in high school, I'm in my last year of college. FML

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By whywasitthere - 19/4/2017 09:00 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2012 22:08 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I foolishly told my husband that I know he's been holding back sexually, and that I was willing to indulge any sexual fantasies he may have. Now it seems that tonight, I'll be responding to the name "Fluttershy". FML

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By Wheresthecreamfilling - 3/11/2016 06:03

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

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By BondingTime - 17/3/2014 09:51 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

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By why me - 22/5/2011 23:09

Today, my girlfriend made me watch six hours of "Glee" with her. I don't know what I hate the most, the fact that I actually sat there and watched it or that I'm angry at Finn for breaking up with Rachel. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 11:01 - Luxembourg - Mamer

Not that sort, I swear

Today, I threw out a bunch of Coca-Cola bottles that had been in my room for who knows how long. My mother noticed them in the recycling and promptly told our neighbours that I have a "coke habit." FML

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By alynn - 29/5/2009 13:59 - United States

Today, I moved out of my apartment and thought it would be nice to leave the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom for the next tenant. I later got a notice from the management that I was being charged $50 for leaving behind "personal items." FML

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By Ca13b - 15/10/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, my brother put pepper spray on my toilet paper. FML

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By Anais Strongrump III Jr. - 9/5/2014 20:41 - United States - Garland

Today, my parents decided to get with the times. So far, they've made me get Snapchat and Instagram accounts, and made me add them on Facebook. They keep acting like annoying teenagers, and get mad at me when I don't play along. For the love of god, somebody save me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2009 14:20 - United States

Today, my mother told me she's disappointed in me for not going to a better college, and that if I was in the top ten of my class that the rest of those ten must be really dumb. Fact is, I threw away the acceptance letters to Carnegie Mellon and Cornell because I didn't want her to have to pay. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, my ex said "I love you!" for the first time at a party in front of my boyfriend. Smugly satisfied, I said "Well, you're too late for that." My ex looked at me with irritation and said "I'm talking to him!" and gestured to my boyfriend. They'd been "best friends" since middle school. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 08:04

Make your minds up

Today, I was told I was negative for Covid, so I went to buy wine to celebrate. Two hours later, I got a call again, saying I was positive and placed under quarantine. FML

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By not-that-fat - 27/7/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

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By pvtcab - 5/10/2011 18:52 - United States

Today, my roommate and I had to pay our first installment of rent. He's nowhere to be found. FML

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By Ewt - 6/12/2019 05:00 - Canada - Victoria

Not a joke!

Today, I found out that my best friend does not wash her hands after going to the bathroom, even if she changes her pad. I then remembered all the times she handed food to me, and teased me when I tried to wash my hands first. FML

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By Sola - 11/5/2011 04:10

Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML

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By xo007 - 4/11/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, as I stepped into the shower, I slipped and fell over the edge of the tub, pulling the shower curtain down with me. I called my roommate to help me up as I put on a towel over me. But before she could help me up, she grabbed her phone to take a picture. The picture became a mass text. FML

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By - 17/1/2020 18:00

Everything is clean

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By ohyesIfeelspecial - 18/5/2012 16:05 - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé emailed me some steamy pics. Too bad he forgot to erase "FWD:" from the subject line. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 04:12 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I tried buying alcohol for the first time. I have a baby face, so I had my ID ready. The store owner admitted that my ID looked real enough, but he wouldn't believe it wasn't just an elaborate fake. He very nearly called the cops on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I was planning on breaking up with my girlfriend of five years in two days time. She just mailed me a care package that said, "I'd die without you." FML

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By Crapper. - 16/9/2016 20:35 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I'm a janitor at a middle school. Someone took a poo and placed it on the sink. FML

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By Yum - 3/12/2008 07:26 - France

Today, I realised that the steamy photos that I took with my ex a few months ago had not been erased from his father's camera. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2010 11:16 - Canada

Today, a wild squirrel managed to get into my house. I can't see him but I hear him in the walls. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 09:58 - New Zealand

Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML

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By KBBL - 12/3/2014 16:02 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, at a staff meeting, our boss sighed and asked why I'm always in the meetings instead of my co-worker. I reminded him that it's because I'm the department supervisor, not my co-worker. He wouldn't believe me until he saw it for himself in our personnel files. FML

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By short&stout - 26/8/2017 20:00

Today, I took the kids to the pool. I'm short and 20lbs overweight but they talked me into it and I put on a swimsuit for the first time in 10 years. As soon as we got there, a girl my height but a good 150lbs heavier said, "It's so nice to see another big girl in a two-piece!" FML

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By Brittany - 28/3/2012 02:38 - United States - Kerrville

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

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By Jim - 11/1/2012 01:32 - Belgium

Today, I told a co-worker to "lighten up, and stop wearing black all the time, it makes you look depressed." I didn't know his father had died the week before. FML

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By preggers - 30/11/2011 14:57 - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

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By WOWreally - 25/9/2009 06:24 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my husband in the shower. I got in and we were talking and goofing around and I stuck out my chest and sucked in my stomach being stupid and my husband says "Wait! Do it again! That's how you looked when I first met you." FML

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By happiestturtle - 8/6/2016 15:21 - United States - Chicago

Today, my mom thought the best way to stop me from taking people to my room was by changing my wallpaper into a nursery-themed one. Now I get to see bunnies, letter blocks and teddy bears all day long. FML

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By BarbieKen - 14/6/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 08:08

Like what you see?

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my cousin, instead of the girl who shares the same name. She liked it. FML

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By Alice - 28/8/2013 10:33 - United States - Happy Valley

Today, my neighbor's daughter started learning how to play the trombone. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7685401 - Thursday 30 August 2018 23:42

That’s no good. She’s gotta come in and examine your feces and stick her finger up your ass and feel around. The really good moms these days have their own colonoscopes.

Sorry your mom is just half-assing it.

By tmj25789 | 23

#7685377 - Thursday 30 August 2018 22:21

Is your mom in the nursing field? I had a teacher in school that monitored her kids bowels. They were small children though.

COMMENTS

By tmj25789 | 23

#7685377 - Thursday 30 August 2018 22:21

Is your mom in the nursing field? I had a teacher in school that monitored her kids bowels. They were small children though.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7685398 - Thursday 30 August 2018 23:34

Your mom is the poop whisper 😂🤣🤣

By RichardPencil | 28

#7685401 - Thursday 30 August 2018 23:42

That’s no good. She’s gotta come in and examine your feces and stick her finger up your ass and feel around. The really good moms these days have their own colonoscopes.

Sorry your mom is just half-assing it.

By pjsr | 32

#7685433 - Friday 31 August 2018 0:46

Plop, Plop!
Whizz, Whizz!
Oh what a relief it is!

By J352SAURUS | 30

#7685438 - Friday 31 August 2018 1:02

I agree with your username, OP!

By Notamusedanymore | 17

#7685457 - Friday 31 August 2018 1:54

She’s just trying to cover the fact that she’s checking making sure your not jerking off.

By Kruxon | 11

#7685503 - Friday 31 August 2018 5:09

Well at least you know that you're being watched on..

By samomaha | 17

#7685962 - Friday 31 August 2018 23:31

All I can say is, "Eeeeeeewwwww!"