Miscellaneous: Today, I accidentally hit my husband in the face. Not 2 minutes...

By ephram17 - United States

Today, I accidentally hit my husband in the face. Not 2 minutes later, while laying in bed and trying to apologize, I accidentally kneed him in the balls. FML

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ephram17 tells us more :

OP here. Thankfully, he understood that both were accidents. I apologized for both and he wasn't mad. He does however enjoy making me feel a little guilty with some good natured teasing about it.

Miscellaneous

Commando

Damn kids!

Love is hell

By zed - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML

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By AnnaNick - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

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By floff

Today, I broke a toe. It was not too bad and I can still walk, but the doctors had to tape it to the next toe to help it heal. Turns out I am allergic to the glue on the tape. The pain of the blisters covering two toes and the itch is worst than the break. FML

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By dearme - United States

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

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By bezoar10 - United States

Today, my mother and I went to lunch and there is a really cute waiter that works at the diner. I requested him to wait on us like I sometimes do. While we were waiting to be seated, I heard one waiter say to the cute one, "Ya, the creepy one is back, and this time she brought her mom!" FML

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By afraidofcans - United States - Stafford

Today, after years of being terrified of those biscuit cans that pop when you unwrap them, I finally decided I'd open one myself. I'm sitting in the hospital with a sliced hand from the lid and can feel therapy in my future. FML

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By Armstrong - United States - Brownsville

Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML

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By umm...no - United States - Keller

Today, I answered a call from a customer. She expected me to exchange her item without her actually having to go to one of our 800+ stores. FML

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By unworthyoflove - 9/6/2020 14:07

Parenting 101

Today, I told my parents that I was going to stop being so hard on myself all the time. They responded by calling me a narcissist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Prairie City

You Sexty Thing

Today, my girlfriend is upset with me for not wanting to sext. I can't sext with her because she adds "lol" to everything, which turns me off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he went soft. When I asked him what happened he said, "I'm about to fall asleep." He then plopped down on my chest and began to snore. FML

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By lynn_27

Hammertime

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to tell me he couldn't take it anymore because my legs were too hairy. I shaved yesterday. FML

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1914

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Airy

Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, we spent the day with my grandmother. During a family conversation,, my sweet little grandmother looked me up and down, and without any hesitation said, "I remember you being so beautiful," before looking at my mother, mouthing, "What happened?" and laughing. She's 87. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I had a few friends over. Wanting to seem cool, I yelled at my girlfriend to get me a beer. She chucked four bottles at my head. All my friends cheered her on. FML

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By VerbalDiarrhea - United States

Today, after 3 hours in a cramped car with my family, we stopped at a gas station. I got out of the car and the first words out of my mouth were, "It feels so good to be able to walk!" That's when I noticed the elderly man sitting in a wheelchair only a few meters away. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I watched a YouTube video at work because I was bored. I forgot I was on a conference call and my computer's desktop was shared with 15 other people. No one said anything till it ended. FML

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By Birdman

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

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By ifpigsflew - New Zealand

Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML

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By DED - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that a co-worker has been promoted to Store Manager. She has been here for less than 6 months, and I have been with the company for 10 years. Guess who has been training her for the last 6 months. FML

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By Youknowwho - Australia

Today, I was in a toilet cubicle, when I overheard two of my friends at the sink talking about how ugly and skinny I was. FML

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By Cnscott0205 - United States - Denver

Big one

Today, I accidentally touched someone's boobs. It was a man. And I noticed that they were bigger than mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone broke my car's left side mirror. A friend of mine was buying a replacement one and texted me to confirm which one I needed. He asked: "It's the driver's side, right?" To which I replied: "Right". I got the wrong mirror. FML

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By Tony - United States

Today, I woke up to people in the parking lot screaming "everybody wake up". They've been doing this at 7 every morning since I moved in 3 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my house was broken into. They didn't take much, but they did paint spunking cocks on the walls and furniture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter and husband decided to surprise me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumps back from the hug and says "ewwww smells like fish." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2021 15:30 - Canada - Kamloops

Breakfast innuendo

Today, I went to get a banana for breakfast and said to my mom, with whom I currently live at age 32 because of Covid, that I don't normally eat bananas, but it looked good. She looked at me and said, "You clearly need to get yourself a man." She's right, but jeez! Thanks mom. FML

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By adjk90 - United States

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

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By Jade - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in front of an entire street of people. We've only been dating for a week. One of the women in the crowd then called me heartless and threw a hamburger at me when I turned him down. FML

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By Un1ucky - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to make breakfast. Since I usually do all the cooking, I said that was fine. Four hours later, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the sidewalk across the street as the firemen sprayed down the burnt remains of our kitchen. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

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By LockedDown - 3/2/2021 23:03 - United States - Vancouver

Need warmth

Today, due to the pandemic and living alone, I finally had some physical human contact for the first time in six months for my dental checkup. Which was also the last contact I had almost a year ago. FML

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By Suckered - United States - Hialeah

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university 2 years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

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By chipmunk - United States

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

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39607

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

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39093

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By myrkes - Switzerland - Marstetten

Today, it's the day before my friends' wedding. My dress has not yet been shipped from the online shop where I ordered it three weeks ago, the hand-crafted gift that was ordered last month is trapped at customs and my cats have just managed to open the drawer and eat the wedding card. FML

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By Justanotherwreck

Today, we had an office party. I got extremely drunk and invited my younger coworker into the bathroom to make out repeatedly. Not only did he reject me multiple times, but he also looked super traumatised and hasn’t said a word to me since. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, my neighbor came over and yelled at me for traumatizing her kids. What did I do? Nothing. Her kids entered my back yard, dug up my 1-month-dead hamster and freaked out. FML

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By Anonymous

Candid camera

Today, I prominently touched my boobs and put my hand inside my shirt to adjust my bra… all while I had my camera on during a Zoom meeting with the whole department FML

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644

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By FullMonty - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my 2-year-old sister walked in on me while I was showering. She began to splash around in the toilet, and as I hastily jumped out to stop her, my brother and his friend got a good look as they walked past the room. FML

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Top comments

By TheGolfGTI | 24

#6308096 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 7:03

I think you kneed to apologize for that too.

By clevergirl98 | 20

#6308072 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 6:58

Double whammy?

COMMENTS

By clevergirl98 | 20

#6308072 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 6:58

Double whammy?

Iwannarock1 | 19

#6308161 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 7:55

what a bitch. you owe him big time.

ScarredVox92 | 16

#6308475 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 17:47

Domestic abuse!

SkullsRules1 | 26

#6308797 - Wednesday 3 June 2015 0:28

#56 it'd be domestic abuse if she purposely injured him. Both were accidental and she apologized straight away.

By Atomic_Mushroom | 14

#6308080 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 6:59

WELL, someone likes it rough..

By Ms_ValS | 27

#6308084 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 7:00

Fuck your husband's life OP

By OysterPearls | 33

#6308087 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 7:01

I sure hope this isn't your way of spicing things up in the bedroom.

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6308091 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 7:01

it will make for a good camp fire laughter.

By TheGolfGTI | 24

#6308096 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 7:03

I think you kneed to apologize for that too.

sonasonic | 34

#6308112 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 7:14

You gotta face the facts OP...

By CyberSeeker | 20

#6308097 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 7:03

I bet he would have loved that

By JonathanKG | 12

#6308098 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 7:04

Ouch. Hope you made it up to him eventually. Otherwise he might have to take out a restraining order on you.

By tiggerlover100 | 27

#6308102 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 7:06

I feel your pain as a fellow klutz OP.

By sturschaedel | 27

#6308103 - Tuesday 2 June 2015 7:06

That calls for an extra nice apology. Make him food. Serve it naked. Make sure you don't hurt him again in the process.