By Mommabear

Thief

Today, I caught my husband's crazy aunt attempting to steal from my daughter's piggy bank. When I confronted her, she tried to defend herself by saying, "She's 2 months-old, she doesn't need the money!" FML

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There's no helping some people

It's the thought that counts

Thanks for the heads up

By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 20:01 - Malaysia

Little shit

Today, I went to the graveyard with my little brother to visit my grandfather's grave. While we were there, my brother suddenly asked me, "Can you die now? I hate you." He's 7 year-old. FML

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By Robert - United States

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened explorer repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

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By mandapanda - United States

Today, as I was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night, a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car, totaling it. I called my boss and told her what happened, only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads. No one told me. FML

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By Sorrymom

Today, I had to watch as my deeply religious mother broke out in tears of joy, as she said how happy she was that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my fiancé and I fucked on the first date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my adorable five and a half year old boy told me that when he grows up he's going to be my boyfriend. I thought it was kinda cute until I asked him why. "Because you need one." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, my grandparents came over to visit. I'm still not sure if they came to see me or my dog. FML

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By ElephantLover - United States - San Diego

Today, my grandma added to my elephant collection by giving me some underwear with elephant ears on the hips, and a long, sock-like nose. She has no idea they're meant for a guy. FML

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By G-6

Today, I was on the plane asleep. I woke up after feeling the plane jolt and I screamed at the top of my lungs. The little girl next to me told me I was a sissy. Everyone on the plane laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

Today, an old guy phoned the cops on my daughter because she was drawing with chalk on the sidewalk. Apparently, he thinks it's vandalism. FML

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By kaheera4 - United States

Today, my mom visited, and I left her for a few minutes while I used the bathroom. While I was stuck taking a crap, she went on one of her religious rants, telling my children that Easter was off this year because their precious "pagan" Easter Bunny had been murdered. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I stretched out my wedding dress on my bed so it could air out before the big day tomorrow. Later I returned to my room only to find my cat on my wedding dress, it peed on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Porte

Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML

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By ashleyyyy - United States

Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML

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By Awkward - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I had to google the definition of transsexual just to know what the hell my friends were talking about. I need to read a book. FML

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By notakeeper - United States - Orlando

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my fancy rubber phone case did its job and saved my phone from damage when I dropped it on the bathroom counter. Unfortunately, it was rather useless after the massive bounce it took before landing in the toilet. FML

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By Victor - 24/12/2020 14:02

It's a holly jolly Christmas…

Today, I usually take my daughter to daycare; my wife had to drop her daughter off at 8. The kid refused to get up, making them late. Wife argues with me, claiming I made her late. She said hurtful things and left late at 8:30. We haven't spoken and probably won't for the rest of Christmas week. I love Christmas. FML

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By Erin - 2/1/2021 20:01

Warming it up

Today, I bought an expensive blanket to help warm up for the winter. Right after I put it on the bed, my dog jumped up and peed on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winter Park

Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML

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By Revelyn - United States - Compton

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka

Today, my scumbag landlady broke into my place and stole my mop, which I refused to give her earlier. She denied everything and tried to convince me that some criminal broke in using a key, stole only my mop, and was nice enough to lock up on the way out. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Banner Elk

Today, feeling the need to spice things up in our sex life, I dressed up in my husband's navy uniform jacket, hat, and a pair of heels. When he came into the room, he took one look at me and started laughing uncontrollably. FML

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By Sudoc

Working too hard!

Today, after spending 6 hours straight working on a project at school, I decided to call it a night. The instant I set foot out of the lab, the building started screaming. The maintenance guy had set the alarm without telling me. The police had to let me out. FML

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By Confused Clipboard - United States

Today, my math teacher explained his concern for how "clipboard" should be pronounced similar to "cupboard." I thought he was crazy. I then later found myself saying it the new way to my mother. FML

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By lonely-mind - United States - Jackson

Today, my thighs started chafing 3 hours before the end of my work shift. Now they burn no matter what I do. I still have an 8-hour shift tomorrow and I can barely walk. To make it worse, my mom's only words of advice involved me losing weight so it "doesn't happen again". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 13:01 - Australia - Liverpool

10 out 10 for execution

Today, I had to squat to retrieve something from the bottom of the cabinet in the bathroom. This caused me to fart and startle myself enough that I jumped and banged my forehead on the sink. FML

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By nahalDZ - Germany - K?ln

Today, my girlfriend tried to wake me with a handjob. Because I'm a very light sleeper, I woke straight away and instinctively punched whoever was touching my dick. She forgave me, but I don't think her father ever will once he finds out. FML

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By rejectedprobably - United States - Zionsville

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the only thing that managed to get me out of bed was scrambling to watch my neighbours have a screaming match in the middle of our street about which one of their brain-dead kids spray-painted "CUNT FLAPS" and a rudimentary knob on the communal garage door. FML

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By alipallie - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, after running across London to catch my train, I collapsed, panting, into a seat across from a concerned elderly woman. She leaned over to ask whether I had my inhaler and I smiled and nodded. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not asthmatic, just really unfit. FML

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By fuckedup - Germany

Today, I found out that my mom called my boss informing him that I am a little behind on some college projects. She felt he should know that she fears I might not be able to graduate on the planned date. My boss had already offered me a permanent job. I may not get that job now. FML

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By mafille - France

Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML

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By Imagino1234 - Canada - Prince George

Today, my mother sent off a handmade Christmas wreath I made for my 70-year-old grandmother. It wasn't until after it was sent that we realized the box it was packed in was originally for adult diapers. FML

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By vivelawank - United Kingdom

Today, I realised the only preparation I've done for my final French exam has been wanking off to French porn. FML

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By dumped - Canada

Today, my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone. Faint splashes punctuated her grunting, straining sounds. FML

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By anashaalmajiid - United States

Today, my dad and a construction worker were having a long talk. I heard the door slam, and assumed that this worker had left. So I yelled out "Hey dad what were you talking about? Did you talk slowly so the idiot could understand?" Turns out my dad was the one who had walked out. FML

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By Nator - United States

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 02:02

Better off out

Today, I was fired because I spoke up about a supervisor mistreating me. The assistant VP spent the meeting demeaning me to “teach me a lesson” and then said she was firing me because I “stirred the pot." Man, I really loved that job but I won’t miss the toxic work culture. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brighton

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML

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Top comments

By Boyufd | 22

#7648232 - Friday 15 June 2018 2:14

that makes a lot of cents

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7648233 - Friday 15 June 2018 2:28

She's two months old, she doesn't need to be the victim of crime!

COMMENTS

By assassinmaster | 22

#7648224 - Friday 15 June 2018 1:46

Did she attempt to run away carrying the whole piggy bank in her arms?

By Boyufd | 22

#7648232 - Friday 15 June 2018 2:14

that makes a lot of cents

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7648233 - Friday 15 June 2018 2:28

She's two months old, she doesn't need to be the victim of crime!

By real life problems | 26

#7648235 - Friday 15 June 2018 2:33

Cocaine is a hell of a drug

By openawhole00 | 6

#7648240 - Friday 15 June 2018 2:51

.... and on the next Judge Judy

By RichardPencil | 30

#7648250 - Friday 15 June 2018 3:38

How do you counter such impeccable logic?

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7648266 - Friday 15 June 2018 6:08

Just like how she doesn't need a hard slap to the face, but she is entitled to one.

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7648272 - Friday 15 June 2018 6:29

Tell her "But she will eventually..."

By Davros | 12

#7648298 - Friday 15 June 2018 7:39

Tell her if she needs money that bad and can take her teeth out she can make tens of dollars down on the corner

By thisisbutaname | 38

#7648386 - Friday 15 June 2018 11:39

That was her retirement fund. Need to start early, you know?

Reply

Lara Fraser | 7

#7648602 - Friday 15 June 2018 20:18

In this day and age, that's the truest thing to CE ever read.