Saving Money

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop and a guy stops in front of me and says "Oh very nice. How much?" I reply "You couldn't afford me." An old guy sitting next to me says "I bet I could" and puts his hand on my leg. I forfeited the bus and walked home in the rain. FML

Triage

Broken bum

Waiting for that special someone

By rice_cake - Australia

59081

25937

Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML

By australian6196 - Australia - Sydney

49666

7445

Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML

By Scholar - United States

27345

3887

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

By redriver - United States

4407

290

Today, I discovered an enormous hairy spider sitting in the bathtub. I also discovered that I scream like a girl and pee a little bit when I am truly terrified. FML

By imfromtexas02 - United States

49355

12589

Today, I was at an outdoor market with my family. We'd had dinner and were about to leave when 2 women stood next to our table, smoking. We called out to let them know they could have it, as we were leaving. They thought we were complaining about the smoke. They yelled at us and stormed off, while the other tables stared. FML

By Anonymous

1345

157

Today, Christmas changed my life. Last year I had a boyfriend to cuddle with on Christmas; this year I have a body pillow of an anime character. FML

By lonely otaku - Canada - North Vancouver

42340

7372

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a really stubborn pimple. By the time I felt the cartilage rip, it was too late. FML

By Anonymous

1189

1047

Today, I was so lonely that I was comforted by the sound of mice running through the walls of my apartment. I left cheese and peanut butter out for them to find so that I could at least have a pet for company. FML

By Anon - United States

35860

9819

Today, I told the man my girlfriend has been cheating on me with all about her infidelity. He didn't get angry; he just said that he knew, that they were in an open relationship, and that I was pretty stupid to have not figured it out sooner. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ringwood

46297

6217

Today, I went to a restaurant with my friend, where my credit card got denied in front of everyone. The staff teased me and made me sit in the restaurant while my friend begged for money outside. FML

By Harry - United States - Milledgeville

47753

8264

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

By assante2010 - United States

58257

6857

Today, I realized that when someone's pregnant or introduces me to their kids, they're saying, "I had sex with this person" and now I can’t stop visualizing it. Keep me out of your personal life, Tom. FML

By just realized - 16/9/2020 23:03 - United States

Weird projection, but OK

444

1237

Today, I locked my keys in the car while the car was running because I got out to get the parking ticket attached to my windshield. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

13380

26326

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom after he had been in there awhile. I found him with his pants down, looking at a pimple on his butt in the mirror. He asked me for "help". FML

By Anonymous - United States

30788

4514

Today, my husband and I found out that our daughter's chronic stomach aches are due to gluten intolerance, so we need to cut all wheat out of our diet. We're bakers. FML

By MDWilde - United States - North Pole

37273

3070

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

By photomark - United States

10482

36909

Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML

By Mary - Czech Republic

43316

5244

Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML

By EricCartman - United States

48509

6416

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Due to the drugs they gave me I felt nauseous. When I went to the bathroom as a precaution I did not throw up. Instead I passed out face first in the toilet. FML

By anon - United States

47968

3117

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

By Broke as hell - 7/4/2020 23:00

Hangry

1917

137

Today, while staying at my brother's place for the Christmas holidays, I had to leave because he threatened to "take me outside". Apparently he doesn't like being corrected on whether a certain car has a long wheel base version, so I guess the family Christmas is over. FML

By detour165 - Australia - Ascot Vale

32718

3708

Today, I met a nice girl and decided to ask her out. Later on she showed me a picture of her with her family, she was wearing red and everyone else black. I said jokingly "you look like the adopted child" only to find out that her had parents died and she was indeed adopted. FML

By WanstinChurchHill - United States

18310

41142

Today, I tried to make a move on the cute guy who sits opposite me at work. In theory, I was going to start a game of footsie with him. In practice, I screwed up and managed to yank his computer's power cable out. He lost his unsaved work. FML

By Namaslayed - India - Mumbai

21003

17001

Today, I took my 6 year old son to meet our new neighbours. When we got home he packed his bags and headed for the door. Once he reached the door, I asked where he was going. He replied, "To the neighbours'. They have a bigger television." FML

By Anonymous - Canada

30528

4955

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

By sexlube - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

1492

877

Today, I dropped my daughter off at a concert where she was performing and went to look for parking. I got caught in freak traffic and it took me an hour to get back there. I missed her act. FML

By RoseRodent - United Kingdom - London

14625

1506

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Danby

33482

2698

Today, my husband, who is proud of his 155 IQ, is depressed our son is becoming a typical football jock with an IQ only just into the triple digits. He even thinks I must have had an affair, because no way could someone as smart as him have produced such a blockhead with tattoos. FML

By Sandra - 21/1/2021 11:01

Proud dad

1156

172

Today, my girlfriend of one year broke up with me because I started having PTSD induced night terrors. On my birthday as well. FML

By Michael - 13/2/2021 09:30 - Australia - Southport

Another birthday ruined

899

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

By Amb - United States

39929

6163

Today, after my boyfriend used to tell me that, with his demanding job, he just didn’t have the time or energy for a meaningful conversation with me. Thanks to COVID, he works 90% less now, finding time for online college, cooking and new furniture, yet didn’t invest even one extra minute into our couple. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 07:59

Bottom of the list

896

197

Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML

By addicted2v - United States

44789

4122

Today, I was having a panic attack so I called my parents. My brother answered to say my parents couldn't come to the phone because they were watching 24. Its ten o'clock and 24 is not on now. They were watching 24 on TiVo and couldn't pause it to come to the phone. FML

By happyharriet - United States

56627

5349

Today, after staying up all night at my friend's house, I woke up to something I couldn't identify on my cheek, so I slapped it away. When I heard crying, I opened my eyes and realized it was my friend's three year old sister who was trying to be sweet by kissing me on the cheek. FML

By ash - United States

36064

16099

Today, my girlfriend got a necklace from one of her guy friends. She loves it. It's a heart shaped necklace. She doesn't see a problem. FML

By CashChamp20 - United States

45014

6878

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

By HAIL SITHIS - United States

29923

3220

Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML

By jess - South Africa

29937

4663

Today, while walking my dog in the darkness, I bent down to pick up his poop. I screamed like a little girl as his morning turd leapt up my arm, covering my hand and jacket sleeve in soggy poop. My dog had curled one out onto a dozing frog. I skipped breakfast. FML

By AD240Z

8485

623

Today, I bought an electric toothbrush because they're supposed to be a lot healthier than regular ones. My crazy religious mom immediately called me a whore and said she knew what I really wanted to use it for. So that's $80 in the trash. FML

By Anonymous - United States

32405

2815