Saving Money

Today, I turned on my furnace when I got home from work for the first time this season. Only problem? Cats. Our kitten Norman has never heard a furnace in his life and Noel has just forgotten what a furnace sounds like. Both cats are terrified and won't stop yelping. I just want to sleep. FML

Out of it

Buzzing the tower

Great guy

By chrisinator - 11/10/2016 04:21 - United States - Woodside

10583

1205

Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML

By Armstrong - 18/4/2015 23:55 - United States - Brownsville

31436

3442

Today, I found out that a family member found a publisher for his book; his badly written, terribly sourced, historically inaccurate book that insults and misrepresents most world cultures and religions. If this actually makes it to print, I'll never be able to use my maiden name again. FML

By AmatureLitCritic - 14/5/2012 07:37 - United States - Portland

25151

2346

Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML

By alone - 14/2/2012 05:34 - Australia

29667

21346

Today, I was on my run, running past the home of the very attractive guy in my English class. This time he was outside. As I was running I casually waved, he waved back, but because I was distracted, I didn't notice a rock on the sidewalk and ended up tripping and pantsing myself. FML

By TipsyTj - 29/3/2016 13:05 - Canada - Kentville

22101

3224

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 22:57 - Canada - Toronto

53671

4895

Today, it's Saturday night, and also Halloween. Instead of going out, I'm sitting at home on MSN telling everyone who asks me what I'm doing tonight that I'm 'going out in 10 minutes to a party', then when 10 minutes pass, I block them. FML

By pathetic - 31/10/2009 10:08 - Australia

29598

26257

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

By Anonymous - 18/10/2012 06:33 - Canada - Toronto

27593

2457

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

By Madison43097 - 24/9/2009 20:57 - United States

29595

2514

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 18:18 - Singapore

29431

7628

Today, my mom sold my watch collection on Vinted. I've spent over 15 years on the collection and I don't even live with my mom. I'm still wondering how she got in. FML

By whywouldudothat - 19/4/2020 02:00

Vinted-ed

1938

105

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

By booger - 18/7/2013 07:41 - United States - Plano

43646

14958

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML

By GD - 21/2/2009 22:11 - Canada

298005

67173

Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been away at college and I haven't seen them since Christmas. Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my mom had me clean the living room area, clean up cat vomit, and do the dishes. Thanks guys... I missed you too. FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 19:01 - United States

27485

3072

Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML

By 3peeps - 30/12/2011 07:13 - United States

25338

3885

Today, I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. FML

By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 00:07 - United States

40704

7106

Today, I was offered a promotion but for the same pay. Promotion... WTF? FML

By Promo girl - 22/1/2009 22:35 - Australia

27232

2334

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 04:27 - United States - Panama City

32062

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Today, my officemate used the telephone beside my desk again. I still can't think of a better way to tell him how awful bad his breath is without the having to do it personally. We've been workmates for a year now and he still hasn't gotten a clue, despite of me covering my nose every time. FML

By Mary - 30/7/2017 05:00

3592

562

Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML

By Anonymous - 12/7/2012 06:40 - United States - Houston

38180

4673

Today, I tried to contact my birth mother, who abandoned me when I was three weeks old. After months of tracing, I finally plucked up the courage to call her. She told me to "f*ck off and die". FML

By unfortunategeek - 23/12/2010 16:13 - United Kingdom

56343

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Today, after seeing a girl for a few weeks on and off I sent her a text to see if she wanted to go out the next saturday. Predictive text changed "go" to "in". So..."Why don't we in out on saturday?" She stopped calling me. FML

By Noname - 30/12/2009 16:53 - Australia

24899

4871

Today, my girlfriend's 8-year-old daughter decided that I'm going to marry her mom and send her to an orphanage. I blurted out, "Marriage?! No one's talking about marriage!" Now my girlfriend is mad at me, and her daughter is still scared of me. FML

By fml9124 - 20/3/2020 18:00

Quick reflexes

1473

600

Today, I couldn't find my hairbrush anywhere; I ended up having to brush my hair with a fork. FML

By jemila - 1/6/2012 01:14 - United States

24077

7385

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform this one. I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 03:45 - Australia - Canberra

26812

3112

Today, I called my dad to ask why my university tuition had not been paid. He said that "my school was too expensive and he couldn't afford it." He then asked me if I would take in his mail while he was away. He was taking his new wife to Hawaii, apparently it's beautiful this time of year. FML

By ill - 2/10/2009 17:18 - Canada

43118

3514

Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2018 20:30

3576

1483

Today, after years of hard work, I had an interview at the highest ranking university in the world 800 miles from where I live. It snowed heavily for the last 2 days closing every road, railway, and airport causing me to miss the interview. There is no rescheduling. FML

By hulio88 - 7/12/2010 00:37

35475

2685

Today, I let my nephew and his friend spend the night to watch movies. After I fell asleep they stole my liquor and went roaming. When they saw the cop car in front of my house and realized they were busted, they went up to the cop and told them I gave them the alcohol to avoid being grounded. FML

By AuntSucka - 8/11/2009 01:35 - United States

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Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

By #201 - 5/2/2009 13:23 - United States

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Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

By pokèscared - 10/3/2020 05:00

Go away

1472

500

Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML

By tine - 16/11/2014 09:44 - Australia - Sydney

32488

3755

Today, I was making out with a girl I've liked for a long time. At one point she stopped kissing me and said, "You kiss like my brother". I sat there dumbstruck as she went back to kissing me. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2015 18:23 - United States - Cheyenne

39147

2894

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

By bill219 - 7/12/2012 22:40 - United States - Dallas

36073

25927

Today, my friends yet again told me to hop on Tinder and other dating sites, saying how easy it is to match up, and I keep telling them I will soon. In reality, I've been on them for weeks, without a match. FML

By Adil Ilahi - 5/6/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - Keighley

3724

294

Today, I attended a job fair for a position at a shop. I was the only one who showed and submitted an application. I didn't get the job. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 00:33 - United States

27458

3165

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

By got to be kidding me - 2/5/2019 14:00 - United States - Cape Coral

1889

258

Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 05:49 - United States - Norwalk

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Today, I was at a "bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

By insensitive prick - 19/8/2013 19:04 - United States - Tinley Park

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Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2015 01:56 - United States

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