Saving Money

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

Sorry…

Late term

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By Anonymous - United States

29603

96377

Today, my elderly coworker was telling me about a long-lost friend, so I helped her use the Internet to look the friend up. We found her. Specifically, her obituary. FML

By Anonymous

13213

1005

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Middleboro

15820

1083

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

By iLikeMyLegs - Canada - Oshawa

47451

2654

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML

By Marjorie - Canada - Toronto

31126

3410

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

33624

2435

Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML

By unsatisfied - United States

22664

3878

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

By outofluckatcollege - United States - Lewisville

13842

1444

Today, my dad nearly had a head-on collision with another car, but I grabbed the wheel at the last second, potentially saving both our lives. He spent the rest of the car trip pissed at me because I'd "interfered" with his driving. FML

By laurlaur - United States

34972

2899

Today, my girl sent me a naked booty pic, telling me not to be late home. When I got home, she was in dirty old sweatpants, too upset for sex because her celebrity crush died. Not in real life, in one of the TV shows she's watching. FML

By Alex - 15/12/2020 13:58

Booty non-call

1223

182

Today, I had to get my boyfriend's mom to help me get my boyfriend in his house because he was so drunk. He broke up with me for getting him in trouble. FML

By drunkboysgf - Canada

31525

5204

Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a very special reunion with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in 6 months. I hope he likes crispy red butt-cheeks, and I wonder whether they will start peeling before or after he returns. FML

By Aiaiii - Germany

9429

36655

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

56391

5315

Today, I realized that my wife is on her 3rd month using an IUD. The side effect is nonstop bleeding. I haven't had sex with her since she got it. I'd say this contraceptive is working perfectly. FML

By slapstick1982

Perfect contraceptive

2029

261

Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in my bedroom. My brother kindly pointed out that when flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes. Now I can't unsee it. FML

By nightmarestonite - Canada

43243

4286

Today, my brand new iPhone 4 was stolen from my bag. I asked the bartender if anyone had handed it in. I soon found out that while I was talking to her, someone swiped my wallet from the bag too. FML

By misc - Australia

29652

8283

Today, after dating this girl for 3 months, I finally introduced her to my friends. She looked panicked during the date, and after it she broke up with me. When I asked why, she told me she could try to deal with a black friend, but not with a gay one. I've been dating a moron all this time. FML

By Alien - Switzerland

26000

2616

Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML

By Bigpoppa0507 - Canada

27335

14616

Today, my best friend confessed to having feelings for me. I've been in love with her for a long time, so I was ecstatic. She doesn't see herself ever going out with me, though, because she's a couple of inches taller and can't imagine herself "towering" over her man. FML

By falling short - India - Mumbai

Manlet issues

36791

2931

Today, I left my book on the plane after I'd finished reading it. The flight attendant thought I'd forgotten it, so he chased me through the airport, past security, past customs, and past baggage claims. I didn't have the heart to tell him I left it on purpose. FML

By sad - Canada

10045

45871

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

By Anonymous

Zedonging intensifies

1598

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he likes me is because I let him watch porn without throwing a fuss. FML

By serenti - Sweden

34020

7000

Today, I crawled into my mom's room to tell her my stomach was in massive pain. She ended up throwing me out of the room while spraying me with Lysol. My appendix was about to burst and I needed surgery. FML

By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Allentown

A mother's love…

1582

Today, my youngest decided my phone needed a bath in the toilet. FML

By "lildale92"

So cute

1674

269

Today, my new doctor gave me a breast exam and said everything was healthy, before adding "Well, I think so, anyway. I don't actually work here." As I freaked out, he laughed out loud, said he was just kidding, and that he should prescribe me a chill pill. FML

By humdrummitydrum - United States

46874

6602

Today, I'm waiting for the second evaluator to accept my master's thesis so I can graduate. If my grade isn't submitted by the end of the week, my credits will expire, which will have consequences for my job. The evaluator is the same woman who graded essays from the beginning of the college year at the end of it. FML

By Mimmi491 - 28/2/2021 17:01

Get on with it!

935

Today, my dad moved my car onto the street so he wouldn't accidentally back into it while moving our boat. My neighbor backed into it instead. FML

By therosalina - United States - Duluth

2803

149

Today, the girl I like was panicking because her car broke down, so I offered her a lift to wherever she needed to be. I drove her to her boyfriend's house. She asked me to drive her home in the morning. FML

By syco - United Kingdom

34188

7351

Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML

By sneezer - France

27070

6954

Today, a kid got his hand stuck inside my store's giant gumball machine. He started crying, and his negligent train-wreck of a mom bitched me out for being "unobservant." I'd been mopping up the mess she'd made after she spilled an open can of beer all over the floor. FML

By hannaslifesucks - Norway - Kleppe

32621

1808

Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML

By cooldude - United States

40088

8107

Today, I received a bill from PayPal stating I owe $350 for an account that's linked to an email that I haven't used since 2015. I can't get into the account because someone hacked it and changed the password and security questions. Customer support is no help because I have no info about it. FML

By Unlucky

2754

216

Today, I fell over on the bus. X-Rays revealed not only that I have been growing extra bones in my foot, but that when I fell, I crushed all of them. Doctors don't know how to fix bones that aren't supposed to be there, so they're just going to cut them out. Two days before Christmas. FML

By Anonymous - New Zealand

40056

2707

Today, my boss claimed that I've been lying to get days off because apparently nobody can be so unlucky as to have three family members die within a month. I'm just that unlucky, and suspended. FML

By unemployed and bereaved - United Kingdom

Losing

54552

2813

Today, when my boss said, "Don't worry, I know all the requirements," she actually meant, "I know nothing, and will scream at you in rage because you cannot psychically divine all the requirements the day before a major holiday when no one is available to talk to you." FML

By Betterthanthis - United States - New Berlin

Subtle differences

20953

1475

Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Nutley

32547

6120

Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML

By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

53792

3557

Today, my boyfriend thinks he's discovered a big conspiracy by dentists to sell toothpaste. He's arguing that nobody needs to brush their teeth, ever, because all the "new plaque" from food will dissolve the "old plaque", and the only thing he needs to use is breath spray. FML

By Anonymous - Portugal - Alhandra

25433

2390

Today, I spend two hours inside a bar talking about how I never worry about my boyfriend cheating on me when he travels for work. Everyone told me I was lucky to have such a great relationship. When we all decided to go out on the patio for a smoke, we saw him making out with someone else. FML

By sykotoaster - United States

61812

10497