Saving Money

Today, after years of secretly faking my orgasms, my husband gave me my first real one. Afterward was also the first time he ever accused me of faking it because, "It was different from all the other times." FML

Cold-blooded old times

All in the family

Vultures

By anonomous - 7/4/2012 15:27 - United States

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45995

Today, I went for a job interview. The woman interviewing me had such a thick accent that I had to keep asking her to repeat herself. She got so frustrated that she ended the interview super early. I don't think I got the job. FML

By what did you say? - 15/6/2016 13:25

13420

1156

Today, after many, many attempts to get her out of my life, the girl that is stalking me told me that she loves me and our love can only be ended by her killing either herself or me. FML

By cheezmaster - 16/12/2009 23:55 - United States

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Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 08:40 - Canada

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2474

Today, my faculty mentor for my senior capstone project wasn't at my presentation for the entire department faculty. I assumed his wife or kids were sick, but that piece of shit told me himself that he was at home watching the new season of Stranger Things. FML

By and somehow you have a master's degree - 7/11/2017 01:30

Good excuse.

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327

Today, I was sitting at my desk in school, and I was really bored. I started playing with the strings on my pants, only to realize 5 minutes later it looked like I was fondling my dick. FML

By xsnqw - 19/1/2016 22:28 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I went to a club with a couple of my friends. I met a really cute guy and we were getting along pretty well. We eventually exchanged numbers. Later on I decided to call him and set up a date. The number he gave me was the Rejection Hotline number. FML

By jonas_93 - 5/4/2009 19:15 - Canada

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Today, my best friend told me how his batshit insane girlfriend keeps questioning his sexuality and thinks we're screwing behind her back. He's so desperate for a relationship that he's decided to stop hanging out with me. Goodbye 7 years of friendship. FML

By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 14:29 - United Kingdom - Hassocks

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Today, the smell of my own fart made me feel hungry. FML

By u.p.i.c. - 2/8/2019 22:00 - United States - Los Angeles

1074

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Today, the guy I've been seeing for a little over a week proposed to me. FML

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 13:25 - United States - Evansville

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Today, my mother and I were driving through Del Taco. Instead of ordering "Macho Diet Coke", she said "Macho Diet Cock". After correcting herself and pulling up to the window, the employee who goes to my high school gave her the drink and his phone number. FML

By MachoFluster - 5/2/2010 07:52 - United States

28879

2790

Today, while tanning on a family cruise, I woke up to a crowd of people staring at me in disgust. Apparently, I'd fallen asleep, developed a boner, and started french-kissing the air. I had to sit through both the surveillance tapes and a grand bollocking from security in the aftermath. FML

By f*cks_sake - 13/5/2011 23:07 - United States

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Today, I found out the best way to communicate with my boyfriend, who is obsessed with farmville, is by placing a "sign post" on his farm. Not sending text, email, or calling, but placing a message on his imaginary farm. FML

By farmvillefail - 9/1/2010 00:10 - United States

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Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

By Anonymous - 6/6/2013 16:32 - Senegal

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Today, a pregnant friend who is due in 2 weeks posted a picture of a baby on Facebook. I commented congratulations. She's still pregnant. It was a picture of her baby who died 3 years ago. FML

By seamonkeys - 21/3/2013 09:42 - United States

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Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

By Brittany - 28/3/2012 02:38 - United States - Kerrville

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Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

By Richocet - 18/5/2009 00:35 - Canada

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Today I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2019 06:03

I am the law

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Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML

By Bella - 15/1/2013 18:57 - United States - Sanford

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Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "mom" while at work. FML

By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 00:15 - Brazil - Jacare

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Today, I started my new job, and was introduced to my colleague. She seemed old and quite experienced, so I thought she was going to teach me. I was wrong. It turns out I'm a replacement for her daughter, who used to secretly do all of her work for her because she has no idea how to do it herself. FML

By Frustation - 30/7/2012 13:00 - United States

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Today, while driving, a spider crawled onto my gearstick. Not being afraid of them, I casually flicked it off. Onto the person sitting next to me. The person evaluating me for my driving test at the time, who happened to be arachnophobic. FML

By Arachnofail - 8/4/2016 04:16 - France - Goussainville

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Today, I started my new health kick: granola for breakfast, salad for lunch and gym after work. I was so proud of myself until I couldn’t take it anymore and binged at McDonald’s. My health kick lasted 11 hours. FML

By Anonymous - 11/9/2019 14:00

Willpower

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Today, I was serving an incredibly rude woman at work. The ladder I had used to get her two pairs of shoes came crashing down, and hit my face and neck. She only bought one pair, and ten minutes later returned them after complaining they were too expensive. FML

By minimoonpie - 7/9/2011 11:55 - Australia

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Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

By ginny - 10/9/2009 17:18 - United States

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Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML

By gorokhan2 - 27/4/2020 17:00

The opposite of a good idea

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Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML

By poururheartout - 27/7/2018 20:30

Nice.

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Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML

By strikeout - 4/9/2009 02:47 - United States

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Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

By spiderbaby - 6/10/2015 19:43 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, is the blizzard. I have to go into work, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't show up. I sent him a picture of the snow completely covering my car. He said I moved the snow there and could move it back. FML

By bitchypast - 27/1/2015 23:50 - United States - Rockland

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Today, it's been a few days since I decided to give this girl I like the silent treatment.I've been writing on/off with her for a few weeks, but decided to stop a bit, to seem mysterious. When I logged on Facebook today, her status was "..is so happy that annoying guy has stopped writing to me!" FML

By jake - 27/6/2009 21:11 - Denmark

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Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML

By Smooth - 11/4/2009 07:38 - United States

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Today, I was pestering a co-worker, so she jokingly stated "I'll bury you!" and I replied "I'll bury your mom!". Her moms funeral was last week. FML

By idkmybffjill? - 13/2/2009 04:12 - United States

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Today, my mom came home drunk and yelled at me for 20 minutes for not feeding the cat. We don't have a cat. FML

By Anonymous - 16/11/2012 00:36 - United States - Panama City

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Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML

By oldskoolfun - 26/12/2015 23:04 - United States - Warminster

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Today, my mother-in-law asked if she could move in with us. FML

By anonymous - 27/1/2012 15:26 - United States

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Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML

By Anonymous - 22/1/2011 05:29 - Canada

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Today, I slept over at my friend's house. Her dad made breakfast for us. While fixing a plate, my friend said, "Careful, my dad clips his nails in the kitchen." She said it with a sarcastic, joking tone, and laughed afterwards. While eating, I found a toenail in my food. Her response? "I told you." FML

By sleepysophie - 19/10/2013 15:04 - United States - Helena

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Today, my roommate showed me a video of a cockroach crawling all over my face while I was asleep in the lounge. FML

By mac - 27/1/2014 14:40 - Australia - Bankstown

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Today, I let my roommate borrow my car to go to the store. Later, I saw a picture on Facebook of my roommate and his buddies with my car saying, "Gone for the weekend!" I work at 8am tomorrow and he won't answer my calls. FML

By TheComedyAudio - 25/2/2018 01:30

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