Rope Swing Fail

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

Understandable

Walk on the wild side

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

By Ticketshame

2046

133

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

By Cuntface McGee - Romania - Dej

Don't dick around with those guys

39817

18554

Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML

By Anonymous - United States

26834

2498

Today, as I was making instant hot chocolate from the hot water dispenser in the break-room at work, a coworker informed me that it was industrial "recycled" wastewater that was only supposed to be used for washing tools. Thanks. I've only been doing that every day for the past 8 months. FML

By Anonymous - United States

31001

5238

Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML

By SGreene

5517

328

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

46140

6985

Today, my step-dad was talking about how he was raised in Las Vegas, telling stories about him and his buddies, until he stopped, looked right at my mom and said, "Find her, feed her, f*ck her, forget her. But I never forgot your mom, that's how I stole her from your dad." FML

By MsAnonymous17 - United States

59099

4127

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

By youdontknowmewhy - United States - Keller

29780

2102

Today, my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce. Nothing has been said about where my brother and I will live when they split. FML

By unwanted - Australia

41450

3506

Today, I found out that my sleep-walking is so bad that I regularly text my friend while I sleep. I have no idea how many times this has happened. FML

By I'm screwed - Canada - Calgary

28543

3486

Today, I accidentally sliced open my crush's hand at work while we were messing around on break. A month ago, I broke his brother's finger playing dodgeball. No wonder I'm still single; he must think I'm out to get his family. FML

By yoyyo - United States - Manhattan

10029

1303

Today, I decided to ride my rusty old bike to work, since it will help the environment. I was standing up and had a tight grip on the handle bars. The handle bars came off and I fell down on the cross bar, busting my nuts. FML

By David - United States

43296

10074

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

By fishingforubies2 - Aruba - Oranjestad

27878

1830

Today, I’m almost six weeks pregnant. From exactly ten seconds of penetration. FML

By Anonymous

4245

1313

Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML

By anx133 - China

37438

6647

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

By Alyssa - United States

49695

3228

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Ewa Beach

23923

53848

Today, while video chatting with my girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the country, I thought I'd play a song for her on my guitar. The string broke and hit me in the face. I burst into tears and had to hang up. FML

By Anonymous - United States

37777

8287

Today, as I was walking with my boyfriend, holding hands, a woman began screaming at us about how we "f*ggots" are "ruining America." I'm a girl. FML

By Too manly - United States - Stockton

42432

4517

Today, I woke up by inhaling a fly up my nose, and feeling it twitching and slowly dying inside my nasal cavity. FML

By sneaky1324 - Canada - Calgary

31855

2185

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I was straight. She looked at me and said "Well, that's really up to you honey. But your father and I would still love you." I was asking if she thought I had parked straight. FML

By Anonymous - United States

53958

12653

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

By ICallBullshxt

3016

6684

Today, I lost my balance while crossing a creek and fell in. I had my camera on me at the time. It's fried, and I don't have the $2K I need to replace it. FML

By sonja_n - Australia - Kew

Pentaxed

1319

511

Today, while painting a wall, I handed a bucket of paint up to my friend who was standing on the top rung of a ladder. She said she felt dizzy, and came crashing down on me, along with the paint on my head. FML

By fuuu. - Hong Kong

23188

2553

Today, I got into a car accident. The car I hit belongs to my girlfriend's father. We never met before. He strongly believes in "first impressions." FML

By LevKin - Canada

44254

6713

Today, as I was leaving Wal-mart, a huge group of birds settled along the wire above the street. I thought it would be hilarious to scare them, so I stuck my head out the window and screamed. The birds responded by simultaneously shitting on my car in very neat rows. FML

By birdfoooo - United States

7999

54992

Today, I woke up to a loud bang. Thinking someone had broken in, I grabbed my hunting knife and ran downstairs, only to find my TV on the floor, completely destroyed, and my cat casually sitting next to it without a care in the world. FML

By BadKitty - Australia - Invermay

Surprise!

11773

1239

Today, I asked my manager what NSFW stands for. FML

By Looking4ajob - United States - Jackson

10515

4176

Today, my new futon mattress arrived. Upon laying it out on the frame, I realized IKEA has whack bed sizings. When I went to return the mattress for a queen, they informed me a queen mattress wouldn't be here until sometime next week. I already threw out my old crappy mattress. FML

By staceyymaee - United States - Indianapolis

9844

2508

Today, I learned that it's cute when a goat comes up to you and licks your face. That is, until you realize that goat was just eating poison ivy. FML

By a

31782

5752

Today, I found out that my 2 week Christmas vacation my boss was talking about wasn't for this year, but 2010. I spent the day with my husband cancelling flights to Florida, and explaning to my 8 year old why we were not going to Disney World. FML

By mylifesucks - United States

37384

4935

Today, I found out my ex gave me an STI. Today I also found out I'm allergic to the medication. FML

By Unlucky - United Kingdom - Bagworth

4904

491

Today, my boyfriend was telling me about accidentally punching his best friend in the face. As he was acting it out he ended up punching me and giving me a bloody nose. FML

By Username - United States

29014

3311

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Bairnsdale

9755

29278

Today, as things were finally heating up with a guy I'm interested in, his ex-girlfriend from two months ago called. Guess who's pregnant and guess who's still in a seven-month dry spell. FML

By Guess I'm not getting laid - United States - Glasgow

3527

342

Today, I was cutting a little boy's hair at the hairdressers where I work. While cutting his bangs, I noticed his forehead was surprisingly warm. When I asked him if he felt OK, he threw up all over my gown. I think he had some broccoli today. FML

By stickyhair - United States

41863

3291

Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML

By Anonyme - France

32137

3909

Today, I found out that my family has a bet on how long I will be single for. FML

By Bridget Jones? - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

50381

5108

Today, I committed to babysitting on Valentine's Day not because I needed the money, but because I just got dumped. FML

By alone - United States

27941

2773

Today, I jokingly told my die-hard Laker fan dad that I converted to become a Celtics fan. He responded, "Get out of my car." I'm currently sitting on a sidewalk, trying to convince him it was a joke. FML

By PandaSuicide

1506

457