Pop Quiz Day

Today, I was actually criticized for giving my kids scientific answers to their questions, instead of dumb downed fairytales. Gotta love the public school system, right? FML

You snooze, you lose

Get me away from here, I'm dying

All for nothing

By twilight zone - 9/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Backwards

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109

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

By farksh - 7/3/2015 12:14 - Australia

31077

6237

Today, my youngest child gave me the cold she had. I also started my period yesterday. Now I can’t stop coughing, and I feel like a human ketchup packet. FML

By _SouthernClass_ - 29/8/2019 12:00 - United States

1726

162

Today, my boss called me and asked why I haven't been showing up to work. I didn't show up because he fired me last week over the phone. Then he fired me again for not showing up to work. FML

By faeliality - 18/4/2016 08:39 - United States

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1342

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

By JuggaloSlasher15 - 8/8/2013 23:03 - United States

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Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

By - 20/11/2019 18:00

Handjob

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837

Today, I had people coming over to buy some chairs from me. I took a screenshot of their profile because I was home alone, and watch enough ID to be cautious. I thought I'd sent it to my fiancé. I'd sent it to them instead. Now my anxiety is through the roof. FML

By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 14:07

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

681

977

Today, I called off work saying my Great Grandmother died. A co-worker texted me later asking where and when the funeral was. I made up a lie and said some random funeral home and date. My co-workers sent flowers to the funeral home for condolences. The flowers were returned. FML

By Whatever01 - 10/3/2009 03:32 - United States

8184

93823

Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML

By Rose - 15/6/2012 05:54 - United States - Tenino

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Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML

By jakethemuss - 9/8/2014 23:03 - Australia - Perth

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Today, I took one of those IQ tests on the internet. I cheated and still got a 70. FML

By snathans - 13/4/2009 18:42 - United States

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Today, a job candidate I was interviewing took a drink of water, and let it dribble down her chin and shirt while making fixed eye contact with me. FML

By Zanna - 23/3/2017 12:00

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Today, after spending over $1000 on plane tickets, I'm visiting my family for the first time in five years. Two hours after I arrived, everyone is screaming at each other and taking their rage out on me. They still ask why I never visit. FML

By Kurochrome - 18/7/2011 05:09 - United States

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Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML

By Epithymia - 15/8/2016 15:09 - United Kingdom - Leeds

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Today, I went to a restaurant with a girl I really liked. She started crying when an overweight family walked in and loudly sobbed about how the parents were "murdering" their children. This made the father of that family try to fight me. FML

By whatdidIdo - 3/9/2011 05:33 - United States

36669

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Today, my boyfriend and I binged Star Wars. Now he keeps talking about how the Empire is superior to the Republic, digging up Reddit threads / YouTube videos / expressing his own political ideas to convince me of this. I just wanted to watch the movies. FML

By theDarkandtheLight - 11/6/2017 20:00

Star Bores

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523

Today, I received a birthday card from my dad, over a week late. It was addressed to me using my maiden name, the enclosed check also made out to me using my maiden name. I've been married for over 10 years. FML

By anonymous - 15/8/2016 03:35 - United States - Bloomington

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Today, I came home early, and my boyfriend's car was in my driveway. Inside, he was talking to my parents. He walked right past me and left. My mother then says "He wanted me to tell you it's over." FML

By strwbrry - 27/12/2011 02:29 - United States

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Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

By dirtbikeguy - 23/7/2015 13:05 - United States - Chicago

31073

1965

Today, after weeks of allowing my parents to borrow money, I got a check for $2000. I took it to the bank only to find out it was fake. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 05:39 - United States

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Today, my sister started a full-time job with a good pay despite having no prior work experience and being a college freshman. Meanwhile, I've graduated with two degrees, have been working two jobs for the last five years, and still can't get a full-time position anywhere. FML

By Realworldred - 18/6/2015 03:50 - United States - Scranton

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Today, I got a call from my optometrist. I ignored the call, because I already knew I had my appointment tomorrow. When I listened to my messages later, I found out it was from his secretary, saying all of his appointments have been canceled due to him passing away last night. FML

By dpod121 - 4/3/2010 19:41 - United States

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Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

By hitintheeye - 26/11/2011 15:09 - Canada

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Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

By Anonymous - 19/5/2012 22:54 - United States

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Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

By ThisGuy775 - 19/9/2011 04:41 - United States

31345

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Today, I got dumped for the second time by the guy that I'd been seeing. He actually forgot that he'd already dumped me once this week and did it again. FML

By tragic - 29/8/2016 04:51 - United States - Bloomington

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Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

By In Pain - 11/1/2012 08:03 - United States

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Today, I was in class and I smelled what I thought was month-old trash coming from a student in front of me. I politely ignored the smell, only to realize a few hours later that the persistent smell wasn't coming from every student in my university, but was from my shoes. FML

By Anonymous - 22/12/2015 09:26 - United States - Natick

20135

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Today, I overcame my fear of swimming in lakes and went for a swim. I got bitten by an eel. FML

By wayne - 7/12/2011 10:28 - New Zealand

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Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to allow the cats to sleep with us on the bed. As we started to cuddle, one of the cats pissed right in between us. We are sleeping on the couch until the baking soda absorbs the smell in the mattress. I'll be sleeping there longer than that. FML

By couchsurfer - 10/8/2012 00:02 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, my parents invited my Muslim boyfriend over for dinner for the first time. My mother made sure that everything including the salad had pork in it. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 11:10 - Egypt - Cairo

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Today, in class, I volunteered to read a poem out loud. I accidentally said "circumcised" instead of "circumscribed". I don't think I"ll be volunteering to read anything more. FML

By EpicFail - 17/1/2009 15:49 - United States

19991

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Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML

By notawizard - 16/7/2009 10:16 - Spain

33242

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Today, as I was leaving for my chemistry exam, I stepped on one of the countless sheets of chemistry notes that littered the floor following last night's studying. I managed to slip and knock myself out in my own living room. FML

By Anonymous - 2/2/2013 07:50 - United States - Tucson

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Today, Murphy's law didn't check out: my piece of toast didn't fall on the side containing the spread of jam. However, when I leaned against the corner of the table to pick it up, I knocked a full ashtray on top of it. FML

By Anonyme - 17/12/2015 06:24 - France - Lyon

19640

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Today, as a big fan of spicy food and a huge challenge seeker, I decided to try the hottest burger I could order. Despite being warned by a waitress, I went for it. After eating a third, I had trouble breathing from the spiciness. The waitress was smirking. FML

By my bravado's gonna kill me one day - 10/8/2018 13:00

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Today, at work, I walked in on a disoriented elderly woman eating nachos and cheese off the bathroom floor. She wasn't wearing any pants. FML

By Ihatemyjob - 18/3/2013 03:14 - United States - Vermilion

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Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2010 09:15 - United States

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Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

By Crushed - 9/12/2018 12:30

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Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

By Sky - 25/7/2018 01:30

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