Pop Quiz Day

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

Added flavor

Trans women are women

Broke

By Anonymous - United States

51895

7227

Today, I got a new haircut. I was feeling pretty confident, until coworkers and family members kept making comments like, "I think you gained a little weight", "You look older" and "Do you still like guys?" Apparently, my new haircut changed my waist size and my sexual orientation. FML

By Lovemynewhaircut - United States - Brentwood

31069

3213

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

By Stumanji - United States

28007

2184

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. In Walmart. Over the loudspeaker. FML

By yeah - United States

Nightmare

1787

171

Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML

By WhosGoingToCleanThisUp - United Kingdom

21671

1719

Today, my extremely lazy colleague received a promotion with benefits, while I was fired for "not being a team-player". I had stayed quiet about her constant negative behaviour because my supervisor said we needed to "have each other's backs". While I was protecting hers, she put a knife in mine. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

7951

794

Today, I ordered two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and asked for one of them without pickles so they would think I was ordering for two people. Both burgers were for me. FML

By hamburglar - United States - Irving

10485

8419

Today, I asked a table at a restaurant if there's anything I could get out of their way and they replied, "Yeah, you." FML

By - United States - Salem

2150

218

Today, I'm so broke that I had a money nightmare. I'd accidentally purchased a single potato for exactly $22 and it was non-refundable. FML

By TheLostCauseFML - United States - Quitman

4601

432

Today, while helping at my grandma's church, the new Orthodox Priest encouraged me to come to confession because he was sure I would have "a lot of stories to tell" and finished by seductively winking at me. FML

By Canada20 - Canada - Windsor

The Passion of the Christ

3532

312

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

By hatemyjob - United States

29664

4027

Today, I paid $500 for a gym membership after moving into a brand new house, since 12 years of software development has taken its toll. When I told my instructor about my goal to lose 35lbs in two months, he simply said, "Yeah... That's not going to happen. Try another gym," and left promptly. FML

By samsterling - United States - Blacksburg

18280

4154

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years told me that since I've proven my loyalty and faithfully stuck by his side, he has no reason to ever consider marrying me, because "It's not like you're going anywhere, honey." He seems not to understand why I am upset by this. FML

By heartbrokenhaley - United States - Brockton

53552

5562

Today, I was shopping at my workplace, out of uniform, with my husband. A customer recognised me and wanted me to serve him, but I couldn't since we can be fired for doing so while off-duty. He complained to my manager, who wasted no time publicly bitching me out. FML

By iskiel - Australia - Melbourne

38134

2652

Today, a classmate at college accused me of stalking her. All because I walked past her house. I was walking to the supermarket. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

19155

1181

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

By blindsparrow - United States - Dublin

36279

2925

Today, I'm working in China and I had to explain to my boss that no, it's not okay to not pay me for 3 months. FML

By naas1201 - 28/11/2020 05:02 - China

Bigger cages! Longer chains!

811

Today, one of my usually unpleasant managers offered me a slice of cheese cake for doing a good job. I declined, but after some pestering on his part I finally accepted it. I have been violently ill for the past 2 hours. FML

By Anonymous - United States

32580

3858

Today, the 6 year old girl I was babysitting asked me, "Why are you so ugly? Are you an alien? Because aliens are about as ugly as you are." FML

By silverstar189 - United States

39176

4004

Today, I applied for a job as a dishwasher. I was denied because I don't have enough experience. FML

By SimpleSwimmer - United States

33925

3257

Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook a meal outside of World of Warcraft. FML

By Anonymous - Thailand - Bang Bua Thong

26600

40387

Today, my younger son was doing a Zoom meeting for his upcoming school orientation. I tried to hold it in, but I stepped away for a moment to run to the restroom. My older son thought it’d be a hilarious "prank" to moon the camera. School hasn’t even started and we're already the "problem family". FML

By badmom - 2/8/2020 02:02

Zoom this, bitches!

1353

239

Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML

By vetapplez - United States

107213

8595

Today, my mother took 350 dollars from savings to go to a psychic. But it's okay though, because now I know I'm an "ancient soul from another dimension". An "ancient soul" who now has no money. FML

By Teen With No Money - United States

31286

3098

Today, I let my daughter dye her hair pink. I got an email from her school stating that the hair color violated the school dress code as it's “distracting,” and she will not be allowed to attend classes until she changes it. We do school over Zoom. Not sure how her hair distracts on a screen. FML

By p!nk - 12/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Policy schmolicy

2112

298

Today, I received an email invitation to a dating web site. It was from my father-in-law. FML

By Mavis - Canada

45072

3206

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a huge fight. She kicked me out of the apartment and told me to never come back. Devastated, I waited outside of the apartment door for hours hoping she'd reconsider. I ended up falling asleep. I woke up to her foot stomping on me, screaming "I meant it!" FML

By Anonymous - Canada

37593

8721

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

11669

1408

Today, after dropping a class for the first time ever in college in order to focus on raising my grades, I failed the test that I dropped another course to study for. By not finishing on time. After 3 days of studying. FML

By Spoopy Flame III - 18/11/2020 17:02

Academia ain't for everyone

727

277

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

By - France

47510

4345

Today, I'm nearly 30 years-old, and not only am I still a virgin, I've never even had my first kiss. FML

By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 05:01

Late bloomer

827

129

Today, the coach bus I was riding almost crashed. I was using the restroom at the time. The bus braked so hard, I peed all over the wall and splashed my shirt. Nobody wanted to sit anywhere near me after that. FML

By Anonymous - United States

20442

1694

Today, I didn't mind paying a little bit extra for my manicure because I forgot how nice it was to have someone hold your hand. Even if it was an old Asian lady. FML

By lonelygirl - Australia - Chatswood

37233

5644

Today, I found out I'm allergic to mosquito repellent. I fly out on a two month trip to India on Saturday. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

24532

2271

Today, I was painting cabinets for the children's area in my church. While painting, I dropped my brush and got black paint on a white part. I tried to wipe it off. Now there's a very visible smudge that looks like a penis. FML

By peepeepainter - United States - Jasper

43253

8071

Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML

By cnkk07 - United States

23496

2503

Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML

By weep weep weep - United States

26849

3812

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

By eakthegeek - United States

31285

6871

Today, my fiancé and I planned a romantic movie night. Champagne, popcorn, romantic comedy. Then his friend decided to show up and they've been talking about 1st generation Pokémon ever since. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30627

5806

Today, I went to write "Happy Bday, I Love You" on my girlfriend's car windows to surprise her when she woke up. I was the one who got the surprise when I saw her, in her backseat, having sex. FML

By anonymous - United States

80684

3694