Parkour!

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

Understandable

Serious times

True hero

By Nator - 9/2/2009 15:31 - United States

46049

5107

Today, my child was refusing to leave the playground. I had to pry her, screaming and crying, from the monkey bars. I then realized I had been assaulting someone else's kid. FML

By anon - 15/7/2011 01:51 - United States

16963

70719

Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML

By anon13 - 12/4/2009 04:27 - United States

21498

94513

Today, I officially became a divorced marriage counselor. FML

By natattack - 11/9/2013 21:35 - United States - Temple

49490

7943

Today, I was in my car and stopped at a red light. A homeless woman then started to throw rocks at my car for no apparent reason. I drive a convertible. FML

By nakcba - 15/2/2011 10:21

32573

4952

Today, I turned in my best painting yet for a scholarship competition. For once in my life, I was actually proud of a piece I'd done. I ended up losing the scholarship to some dickface who'd basically just glued together some crap from the dollar store and called it conceptual art. FML

By assgoblins piss me off - 6/5/2014 20:52 - Canada - Camrose

47084

5560

Today, after living in my new apartment for barely three weeks, I found mice living under my dish washer. When I brought it up to the managers, they said I'd have to pay for an exterminator myself since they weren't there when they cleaned. FML

By Anonymous - 30/12/2016 02:14 - United States - Las Vegas

20251

1402

Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML

By stupiddrunk - 1/3/2011 01:10 - United Kingdom

15980

39190

Today, with a single misstep, I managed to send myself and several others tumbling down a stairwell at work. An ambulance ended up having to be called for one lady. FML

By ashamedklutz - 22/2/2014 00:20 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

41473

5032

Today, I was at a party, and I sat down on a chair. While conversing with friends, I shifted places on the chair, and broke it. Embarrassed, I then stood up and change chairs. After moving to the next chair, I broke that one too. FML

By alsayslegit - 25/5/2009 17:44 - United States

58098

21430

Today, I canceled my dental check-up because I'm getting busy at work. Then, as I was flossing, my finger slipped, I heard a "crunch" from one of my fillings, and I now have a killer toothache. It's costing me double to go to the dentist because it's now an emergency call. FML

By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 16:56 - Canada

27958

7444

Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML

By kjmsit - 16/6/2009 04:38 - United States

54604

23337

Today, I was lying in bed recovering from a laparoscopy with my dog laying next to me. I fell asleep and later awoke to a burning pain on my incisions. My dog had decided the stitches would be fun to chew on. FML

By humanchewtoy - 7/7/2018 20:30

3828

461

Today, I was cleaning out my room and picked up my bed and found a condom. I'm 15 and still a virgin. FML

By peridot1aa - 24/10/2018 03:00

3481

204

Today, as it's been a long time since I've been with a woman, I decided to enlist the services of an escort. Upon my arrival, she looked at me and said, "Honey, we are going to need a bottle of whiskey and an extra $100." FML

By thebigguy - 12/8/2017 04:30

5652

1251

Today, just as I was putting my contacts in, a gnat landed on it. Its guts got squished between my eyeball and the contact. FML

By Anonymous - 15/8/2015 15:20 - United States

27671

1897

Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic and was about to throw in a load of towels when I noticed something in the washer. It looked like one of the detergent packets we use. It was a testicle. FML

By laundryduty - 15/6/2019 20:14

1860

164

Today, while on the bus, an old man told me about all the many things he wanted to do with my various orifices. FML

By robotchickens - 10/3/2010 19:54 - United States

25998

2682

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 19:44 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

45639

6311

Today, my mom told me I couldn't be best man at my best friend's wedding. I'm 25. FML

By Anonymous - 12/6/2017 20:00

4095

499

Today, I had to eat my breakfast in terrified silence, as my hungover mother staggered into the room, shouted at the kettle for not boiling fast enough, and after a few seconds, screamed that I'd sabotaged it. I'm now grounded for supposedly trying to fuck with her head. FML

By WTF - 12/10/2012 23:00 - New Zealand - Hamilton

27762

1661

Today, my boss yelled at me for having Facebook open at work. That's fine, I closed it and continued on with my work. In a meeting later on I could see the reflection of my boss's laptop screen in a mirror behind her desk. For two hours, I watched her scroll through her Facebook feed. FML

By Double Standard - 12/10/2018 08:30 - United States - Menasha

2785

403

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

By Anonymous - 4/2/2016 22:19

24157

2540

Today, my brother decided it would be funny to squirt disappearing ink on my wedding dress right before I walked down the aisle. It didn't disappear. FML

By randomnamehere - 27/7/2009 18:22 - United States

71660

3333

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

By bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

46720

3119

Today, due to an incident with the dishwasher, a coatrack and my bathrobe, I ended up locked out of my house naked as a jaybird. I had to hide in the backyard for several hours until my family got home from their various activities to get back in. They still haven't stopped laughing at me. FML

By ClumsyKatey - 2/7/2017 22:00

5015

1050

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

By a - 12/5/2015 16:37 - United Kingdom - Ascot

29622

2517

Today, was my third day at work. The hazing finally began. After a few rounds of "punch the new guy", I thought I would finally be safe because the manager walked into the kitchen. He saw what was going on, picked up a handful of ketchup packets, and began throwing them at me. FML

By newguy - 29/8/2009 21:02 - United States

43964

4770

Today, I lost a book. I'd used my credit card as a bookmark. FML

By stupid - 26/5/2015 06:54 - United States - Los Angeles

16185

51284

Today, the extremely uncooperative client whom I'm trying to defend in court sent me a letter in which he threatened to sue me, because charging him for my services supposedly violates his "constipational rights". FML

By harrington61 - 19/5/2013 21:27 - United States - Midland

51165

3899

Today, I found one of my mom's old diaries that dated back to my infant days. I couldn't help but read a little. I'm now in great concern over how many times my mom wrote that she wanted to dunk me in the toilet or throw me against a wall. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2012 04:19 - United States - La Crosse

27506

3905

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

By selfishsexysanta - 24/12/2012 18:06 - United States

43246

13763

Today, I had to pee during a supervised lockdown. I asked my teacher to take me since we couldn't be in the halls alone. Since class was going, she couldn't take me. Much to my dismay, she sent a school-wide email asking for someone to take me to pee. Six teachers took me, including my principal. FML

By Anon - 18/12/2013 09:56 - United States - Paso Robles

49375

5221

Today, my boyfriend whipped out his proverbial notebook, where he obviously keeps notes of what I do and how I act during sex, and then grilled me about every single one of those things. Now I'm scared to do anything because I don't want to be interrogated about it later. FML

By WTFisMyLife - 8/5/2019 03:00

2423

267

Today, my husband and I broke the news that I'm pregnant. Our 8-year-old son's reactions so far have been crying inconsolably, trying to punch me in the stomach, and swearing that he won't let me give him a brother or sister. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 17:44 - Netherlands - Haarlem

41916

5185

Today, I bought a replacement ID after weeks looking for my old one and not finding it. When I got home, my brother said he'd found my ID. FML

By Boyufd - 15/10/2019 02:00

Too late

1361

186

Today, I won an award at school for my hard work. Afterwards, my parents told me off. Why? They wanted my brother to get it instead of me. FML

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 08:21 - Australia

39576

1921

Today, I attended my graduation ceremony. My parents acted mysteriously and kept urging me to go home, since we had to be "on time" for something. Thinking they might have planned a surprise party, I left my friends behind. I missed my graduation because my mom wanted to watch a TV show. FML

By PartyPooper - 18/9/2018 03:00 - Netherlands

4324

294

Today, I took the 6 year old I'm babysitting to the mall to see Santa after weeks of her begging. We got there in time to see him get out of his Prius and dress in the parking lot. FML

By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 21:01 - United States

32005

3205

Today, as I was working at my babysitting job, I was watching a 3.5 year old girl. She begged and begged me to come in the jacuzzi with her, and when I put on my 2-piece bathing suit on, the young girl asked me why my stomach looked like a bagel. I looked down just to realize she was right. FML

By Karie-Rose - 6/2/2010 06:28 - United States

25576

5663