Parkour!

Today, I found out why my boyfriend gets so upset when I make jokes about him and his best guy friend being lovers. It's because they are. FML

Messed up

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Constant flow

By Anonymous - United States

70464

9060

Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML

By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

23862

1485

Today, I was in my basement when I saw a giant cricket on the floor. I found an old plastic bottle of orange paint to drop on it and did so from about five feet up. The bottle exploded and splattered the walls and floor like a crime scene. The cricket hopped away untouched. FML

By Anonymous - United States

7038

50680

Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying "If god doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML

By Anonymous

26994

2868

Today, I could finally get a plane ticket to go see the girl I have been talking to for the past 5 months. Just as I told her the exciting news, she told me that she was no longer interested in me. Guess that's 800 dollars down the toilet. FML

By CrazedGunMan - 2/9/2020 19:01 - Panama - Panama

Go anyway, see the sights

1358

563

Today, a hummingbird somehow got into my house. I spent two and a half hours trying to get it out after finally using a blanket to catch it. I run outside to release it from my hands, and it flew back into my house. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29299

6339

Today, someone, and I still can't figure out who, switched my shampoo with mayonnaise. FML

By mayoshampoo - Canada - Toronto

42556

4021

Today, during an argument with my daughter she screamed "everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

By unloved - United States

42275

6823

Today, I was walking in the mall and passed one of the hair product booths (with the people who constanly harrass you as you walk by). In front of half of the mall the woman working there told me that she had several products that I could use to touch up my roots. I'm a natural red head. FML

By Noname - United States

21643

2611

Today, I was chatting with a guy on a dating site. He accused me of being a liar and trying to catfish him after I told him I like my steak medium-rare. According to him, that can’t possibly be true because black people only eat their steaks well done. No exceptions. What an idiot. FML

By dumbass stereotypes

The Gordon Ramsey of Racism

2043

209

Today, my cat jumped out a fourth-story window when I went to pet her. FML

By no - United States - New York

8782

947

Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML

By Anonymous - United States

36255

3008

Today, I was in a pool locker room, surrounded by semi-naked people. While changing into my clothes, I accidentally pushed a button on my phone, causing it to make the loud, unmistakable camera shutter sound effect. Everyone definitely heard it. FML

By Roode - United States

37541

5466

Today, my girlfriend talked me into tanning in a tanning bed for the first time ever. I have never tanned before and didn't know you are supposed to ease into it. I tanned for 15 minutes in the "super bed" and have lobstered. My ass and nuts got the worst of it. FML

By Crispy - United States

17197

46013

Today, I had three things converge that should never be together: my period, hot doctor, and a colonoscopy. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

37708

3002

Today I broke my glasses beyond repair. I am very nearly legally blind. I get my glasses at Walmart and today, Christmas, is the only day out of the entire year that they are closed. Merry Christmas to me. FML

By Abu

8482

1026

Today, I was trying on some clothes in the store's changing room, when someone reached under the door and grabbed my purse, shoes, and pants. FML

By Gitana - Spain - Tafalla

28819

3142

Today, I realized just how pathetic my life is when I found myself fascinated by videos that a woman posts on YouTube of her removing ingrown hairs and zits from people’s private areas. FML

By Anonymous - 15/8/2020 02:02

Morbid cringe

916

286

Today, I knocked an old-school slide carousel off my desk, scattering nearly 100 individual slides everywhere, including the specific slides my professor asked me to digitally scan, which were placed carefully on top. None of them are numbered. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

28924

5887

Today, as I was mowing my neighbors lawn, I found the playboy magazine he left in his yard. I found it with the mower. I spent the next hour picking up little shards of naked women for no extra pay. FML

By - United States

34173

7022

Today, I started charging my phone in the car during a family road trip. The car recognized my iPhone as an MP3 player and started playing the audio from the porn video I watched before we left. Everybody heard. FML

By anonymous - United States

12644

43992

Today, I was mugged while on my way to the book store. I'd saved up for months to make a mega-purchase of study materials for my major, only for it to be taken away in a few seconds by some lowlife thug. FML

By chilegrande - United States

55183

4529

Today, I found there was a 4 year old boy behind me on my flight. When I looked at him, he screamed playfully and hid. I decided to play tiger with him. While I was grinning like a tiger and trying to scratch him, he smashed a water bottle across my face. I now have a black eye. FML

By Plasticface - United States

17065

37720

Today, I somehow managed to slice open my thumb. The dangerous weapon that caused this to happen? Velcro. FML

By eiregal2 - Ireland - Cork

Butterfingers

1335

167

Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML

By Anonymous - United States

45333

8820

Today, I received a two-page letter/rant from my boss notifying me of my imminent dismissal, based on issues such as me "speaking in a suppressed voice." FML

By Miss_Kat

1438

125

Today, after recently moving to America as I've always dreamt of, I saw my first, majestic deer. My boyfriend slammed it with the rental car. FML

By AmericanDream - United States

32160

3809

Today, I was painting my bedroom walls, when I was struck with an uncontrollable bout of diarrhea. I had to watch helplessly from the en-suite bathroom as my 2 year old daughter painted a lovely picture for me, all over my new $500 sofa. FML

By ohshit - Canada

31236

8326

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

By Rory - United States

77352

4792

Today, hoping to seal the deal on a promotion, I had my boss over for dinner. My dad, who lives with me, started ranting about homosexuals burning in hell. My boss’s daughter is a lesbian. Now my dad’s nose is broken and I fear for my job. FML

By Anon

Epic Boss Battle

5174

762

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

By lambeaster - United States - Washington

21740

3679

Today, I need a new mattress. Last night, I slept on the floor. It was the best sleep I've had in a while. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

10678

1006

Today, my mom is coming to pick up the Christmas presents we got for her and her husband. She won’t come inside or come within 6 feet, so she can be healthy when she goes down to the ex-wife’s parents house to hang out. The ex in-laws that hate me. Glad my mom chose them over me. FML

By Jim - 25/12/2020 02:01

Life choices

969

106

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

By wormsick - United States

36911

3136

Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked "too chunky". I wasn't stealing, I'm just fat. FML

By goingtothegym - United States - Canyon Country

48642

6534

Today, I was invited into a group chat on Skype. Everyone ignored everything I said, so I got pissed and started yelling at them. Then I realised my microphone wasn't plugged in right. FML

By Canuckster - Canada

10602

57492

Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML

By disney_dick - United States - Mims

4850

1966

Today, at 6am I was waiting for the tram to go home from my late night job. A homeless man came up to me and offered to buy me a beer because "guys like us have to stick together." FML

By ihaveahome - Czech Republic

34831

4904

Today, I woke up after a dream where I got it good from none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger. The problem? I'm a guy, and straight. Apparently my subconscious has a fetish for old Austrian bodybuilders. FML

By Anonymous - Sweden

32936

6611

Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML

By wasted_gas - United States - Cumming

43723

26949