Oktoberfest Fail

Today, I found out that my favorite song is about blow jobs and crystal meth. FML

Family values

Time don't heal nothing

The student becomes the master

By Rhett_15 - 1/8/2017 13:00

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

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Today, I quit smoking. My son came home with an ashtray he made in arts and crafts class. FML

By Anonymous - 21/3/2012 12:21 - United States

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Today, I ordered pick-up from a restaurant I really like. It was pouring, so instead of taking the long way across the pedestrian walk, I ran through a grass-covered area and tripped on tree roots. I was right in front of the restaurant, so everybody saw me. FML

By Addigirl - 25/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

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Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

By Big B - 4/2/2009 17:40 - United States

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Today, I learned it's best not to piss off your mom when she's cutting your hair. FML

By :( - 27/7/2011 04:50 - United States

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Today, I had a blind date that my friend set me up for. My date was the ugliest, most disgusting person you will ever meet, but I thought that I would give him a chance. He saw me, eyed me up and down, then said to my friend "You're kidding, right?" FML

By BlackCheetah101 - 4/11/2009 06:51 - Australia

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Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied "It's not the cat you should worry about". FML

By mikep - 2/2/2009 03:22 - Netherlands

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Today, I ran into my boyfriend's dad. His exact words were, "Call me when you're ready to feel what a real man can do to you." FML

By Anonymous - 3/11/2011 07:29 - United States

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Today, my fiancé emailed me some steamy pics. Too bad he forgot to erase "FWD:" from the subject line. FML

By ohyesIfeelspecial - 18/5/2012 16:05 - United States - Portland

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Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. FML

By xxlexi_lovexx - 29/3/2010 04:20 - United States

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Today, after weeks of quarantine, I can finally go to the hospital to get my haemorrhoid surgery, which was confirmed. I have a big internal one. I didn't not consult with the same doctor as before, but he didn't even do a check up inside and told me, "You have nothing, go home." I can't shit. FML

By P DarklyKira - 18/5/2020 23:00

Bunged up

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145

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for the past 7 months, who insisted on keeping us a secret because it was "too soon", is proudly showing off his new 19 year old girlfriend he met a month ago. FML

By Grevling - 20/7/2009 19:07 - Norway

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Today, I saw a neglected potted palm tree on the front porch of what I thought was an empty house down the street from me. I took it home to nurse it back to health. When I got home from work, it was gone. Later, when taking a walk, I spotted the palm, right back on the porch I'd taken it from. FML

By Anonymous - 5/10/2019 16:00

Thievery Ltd.

436

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Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML

By jakestorm - 4/9/2019 20:00

Blockages

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331

Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 14:00

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Today, my daughter informed me that she hates everything about her appearance and wants to get every possible plastic surgery when she’s older. She’s 7. FML

By ladygrey - 20/7/2019 00:08

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Today, at work I got a message from some dude trying to flirt with me. While I was cracking up and making fun of him with my friends, I get a message from him saying look directly behind you, and there he was staring at me. FML

By godhatesme - 26/1/2009 23:14 - United States

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Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML

By Alfie4 - 5/3/2012 22:30 - United Kingdom

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Today, a repairman came to fix my couch, which is under warranty because the frame had broken in multiple places. To ensure I got a new couch out of the deal, I stabbed multiple holes into the cushion. The guy fixed the frame, but said there was nothing he could do about lacerations on the sofa. FML

By grovage - 3/5/2012 00:43 - United States

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Today, I woke up from a vivid dream in which I murdered my entire family. It took 20 minutes after waking up, drenched in sweat and tears, to realize I'm not a murderer and my life is OK. This dream is recurring. FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 05:00

Issues

1355

Today, after my windshield wipers being stolen twice in a row, I decided to hide in my car to catch the thief. I fell asleep. When I woke up, the new wipers were gone. FML

By spark - 27/8/2014 17:19 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I got a text from a female friend saying, "So bored, come over, let's fuck.” Knowing her sense of humor, I laughed it off and sarcastically replied, "On my way!” About an hour later, I got a message from her husband asking what was taking me so long. They really wanted a threesome. FML

By say what?! - 10/4/2020 08:00

Missed opportunities

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409

Today, playing soccer, I jumped up to make a header and clear the ball away from our goal. I got the ball but some guy kicked me in the face. I was taken off. All the parents were horrified, saying how badly my nose must have broken. Turns out my nose was fine. That's just how my nose looks. FML

By supras - 4/12/2013 02:03 - United Kingdom - Luton

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Today, my nose was really stuffy. I heard somewhere that inhaling tea steam clears up the nose. While reading a magazine I inhaled my cup of green tea steam, without knowing that slowly I was moving my cup closer to my nose. Hot tea was sucked into my left nostril and burned the inside badly. FML

By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 04:09 - United States

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Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

By possibly fucked - 22/6/2014 20:34 - Portugal - Lisbon

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Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

By Catremorse - 1/8/2019 14:00 - United States - Centreville

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Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

By T-Bear - 7/10/2015 15:02 - United States - College Station

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Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML

By verysadasian - 30/7/2009 14:21 - United States

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Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2018 19:00

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Today, I lost my virginity. It took all of 30 seconds. FML

By unsatisfied - 9/2/2010 03:33 - France

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Today, I was wrapping up a 30+ hour commission when a software bug caused my main layer to delete itself. There doesn't appear to be any way I can restore it. FML

By dustlander.com - 16/10/2018 07:30 - United States - Provo

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Today, my ex called, saying she's 3 months pregnant. She seems to have forgotten that we haven't been in the same room, much less friends, in over a year. My dimwitted wife thinks the baby is mine. FML

By both are dimwitted - 23/12/2014 18:32 - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

By alittlepersonal - 5/10/2012 05:59 - United States - Lewis Center

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Today, the elderly lady I work for got mad at me, all because I wouldn't feed her imaginary friend. FML

By LoveTheElder - 11/5/2016 01:38 - United States - San Clemente

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Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

By caligirl4ever - 19/7/2019 12:00

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Today, my fitness trainer husband told me that if I could not make the commitment to stay thin, he could not make the commitment to stay with me. FML

By fatty - 23/9/2009 06:47 - United States

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Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 20:38 - United States

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Today, at age eighteen, I finished moving out of my parents' house and into my own. The only person to even remotely give a shit was my sister, and that was only because I was taking the cat with me. FML

By CollegeBound - 17/8/2012 19:55 - United States - Tully

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Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML

By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 03:43 - United States

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Today, during a soccer game, some utter moron got the bright idea of trying to score a goal from his side of the field. I sarcastically made a big show of just barely stopping the ball, and nailed it off to the side. The ball hit a kid so hard in the head that he had to go to the hospital. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2016 16:37 - United States - Middletown

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