Oktoberfest Fail

Today, I celebrated my 30th birthday by accidentally knocking my fiancée’s tooth out with her glass as she tried to a sip. FML

Dangling modifier

Doomed

Spooky

By Kyle - 20/6/2019 20:06

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Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

By elle - 23/5/2011 10:17

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Today, I've had my tenth "Christmas" dinner since Christmas last took place. My mum has gone nuts and keeps playing Christmas music, making these dinners, and refusing to let me take down the Christmas decorations. My dad is too whipped to save us from this hell. FML

By Anonymous - 4/1/2014 21:31 - Ireland

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Today, I watched TV in the early morning. I was watching The Ring, and when the scene came on where the girl is crawling out of the TV, my dad grabbed my shoulders from behind me out of nowhere, causing me to shriek like a little bitch. I don't know how long he waited to do that. FML

By insomniac x2 - 15/8/2013 19:56 - Mexico - Garza Garc

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Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML

By OldHabitsDieHard - 18/9/2013 14:53 - United States - Erie

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Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

By yummy - 30/5/2011 03:34 - United States

Terminology

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Today, my boyfriend let me be the first one to read the novel he dropped out of college to write. Turns out it's titled "A Brief History of Ass" and is an incoherent ramble about every time we've had anal sex. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 00:51 - United States - Buffalo

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Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 12:28 - United States - Berkeley

Taste test

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Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy at the counter looked at me, winked, and said, "Not having too much luck with the ladies, eh?" He was right. FML

By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 19:08 - United States

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Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

By mc_dreamy - 21/8/2010 16:49 - United States

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Today, I had to fall asleep to my next-door neighbors having sex because our walls are paper thin. What bothered me the most wasn't listening to them doing it, but knowing that she was faking it. FML

By Mkimmi - 12/2/2015 07:39 - United States - State College

We can tell

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Today, as a millennial, I had to explain to a baby boomer why he needs to use condoms when having sex with his 25-year-old girlfriend. FML

By WhatJustHappened - 9/10/2020 14:02 - United States

Some people just never learn

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Today, I went with my dad to Starbucks. There is this really cute guy who works there and he kept looking over at me, so I went over to say hi. He ended up asking if my dad was single. FML

By lonely girl - 11/3/2013 04:17 - United States

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Today, I found out that the pool boy has been stealing from me for over a year now. The latest things that he has taken are my laptop, the cash I hide in my closet and my wife. FML

By mypoolisstilldirty - 16/2/2012 16:26 - Australia

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Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML

By Starfucks - 17/12/2015 02:55 - United States - Bensalem

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Today, I was at my girlfriend's house when we noticed her cat was missing. We saw it on the roof and so I thought I would try to look good by offering to go on the roof to retrieve it. The cat had climbed down when I got up there, and I have a fear of heights. Her mom had to help me down. FML

By screw the cat - 24/7/2012 05:10 - United States - South Jordan

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Today, like every day she works, my roommate once again put on a ton on perfume before work because she doesn't shower. She's gone, but this smell will be here for hours. FML

By RinoaHeartilly - 28/11/2018 03:00

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Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

By AnonymousAndSad - 24/4/2014 23:42 - United States - Waukon

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Today, I am probably the only person in the world who can manage to pull a muscle in their neck while brushing their teeth. FML

By skyllabeauty1234 - 23/7/2015 03:18 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I found out that being the "bull" of a cuckold relationship is not as good as it looks to be. She is pregnant and now the couple, despite earning triple figures, is suing me for child support. I'm in college. FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2018 22:00

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Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML

By englishtrio - 18/4/2009 06:45 - United States

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Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

By notagoodsign - 28/2/2011 10:55 - Netherlands

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Today, my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant. He said I could order whatever I wanted and he'd pay for it. He took me to Red Lobster, knowing full well that I'm allergic to seafood. FML

By pinchy - 7/3/2011 03:00 - United States

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Today, my mother sat me down to tell me that since coming home from college, I sounded like "a liberated woman". She was disappointed and disturbed by this and said that I should stop having strong opinions and ideals because it would make finding a husband for me difficult. FML

By liberatedwoman - 11/8/2009 14:57 - Oman

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Today, I started driving with Lyft to fill the time until my new job starts next month. On my very first fare, my car died. FML

By nitrok - 8/6/2017 22:00

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Today, I moved into my new apartment. I was feeling really excited until my new neighbor knocked on my door and left me what looks like rabbit ears on my welcome mat. He just stared at me expectantly as though I should be thankful. FML

By Nickie809 - 17/9/2012 14:59 - United States - Las Vegas

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Today, my boyfriend called work because he is sick. Then he called me 4 times while I was working, to complain that I was working, and then he got mad when I told him I was sick and worked a double shift 2 days in a row, apparently that is insensitive of me. FML

By "bluebird97" - 28/12/2018 20:00

That could've happened to me

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Today, my boss told me I can't use the computer for entertainment. This coming from the same person who spends hours at a time every day on Facebook and other similar websites. I'm also not allowed to sit down while using the computer, which I use about half of the day. FML

By Tanner_6969 - 11/5/2019 04:00

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Today, I realised that I've been working in an all-male environment for too long when my supervisor walked into the canteen visibly scratching his balls, and this seemed like a completely normal occurrence. FML

By Anonymous - 21/3/2012 13:25 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, my parents gave me fat burner pills for my birthday. FML

By fatty - 17/11/2014 21:05 - United States - Gloucester

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Today, I finished a 700-page book for my law exam. It was the wrong book. FML

By Anonymous - 23/10/2016 10:12 - Pakistan - Lahore

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Today, I was diagnosed with a chronic pain condition. My parents seemed very sympathetic and my mother even cried. When we got home, though, they started laughing and asked if I really believed all the shit the doctor was talking about. FML

By parentalnightmare - 16/4/2016 04:13 - United States - Laurel

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Today, I accompanied some friends to sign up for a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form, too. I said, "Oh, I'm not signing up." He replied, "Out of all of you, you need it the most." He then said he was also a nutritionist, and offered a consultation. FML

By charpanda007 - 15/2/2009 13:56 - Hong Kong

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Today, my boyfriend told me I had to get rid of my cats, or he would leave. He punched a hole in my wall when I told him I chose the cats. FML

By NeverGonnaHappen - 19/5/2019 12:30

Dumbest Ultimatum Ever

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Today, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I have no way to pay my bills and very few places are hiring just now. My boss tried to make me feel better by saying her husband was just laid off and they'll struggle as well. She has a £120k salary and just got a £30k bonus. Apparently, "we're in the same boat." FML

By Anonymous - 28/3/2020 05:00

Slicey machine go thwack

1998

130

Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML

By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 05:17 - United States

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Today, it's Xmas Eve, and my partner's quick afternoon catch-up with his friends has turned into 5 messy drunks in our house at 1am. So it's no to the "us" time evening we had planned before spending tomorrow with our families who live over 3 hours away. Guess who had promised to drive and now can't? FML

By Grinch - 24/12/2016 12:08

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Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

By knockedup - 13/2/2011 10:00 - Australia

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Today, I asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He smiled broadly and said "A porn star!" FML

By cahsecuel - 14/8/2014 20:44 - France - Grisolles

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Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML

By Anonymous - 30/9/2016 05:53 - United States - Houston

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