By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 12:01 - United States - Phoenix

Mother knows best

Today, while visiting my parents, I observed that I've been able to visit more often because I've avoided getting sick the whole year. My mother responded by reminding me that I need to get my act together if I'm going to lose weight and get healthier. Not the reaction I hoped for, Mom. FML

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Season finale

Late term

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By cheesfactor - Bulgaria - Rousse

Today, my wardrobe door jammed, and I couldn't change out into some nice clothes for my date. On the way there, my car broke down. Not wanting to be late and make a bad impression, I scuttled the rest of the way, only to find I'd been stood up. FML

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By arch maester shavayalsharashion - United Kingdom - Surbiton

Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced." and took a rain check on me. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go to the bathroom in my dorm. After coming out of the bathroom, I realized I'd let my auto-locking door close behind me. I had to go through the whole dorm, sprint across campus in my bra and underwear, and ask someone for my spare key. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left a note on the kitchen table saying to leave the door unlocked because I lost my key. I come home to find our house ransacked and robbed. Minutes later, I found my key. In my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

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By buttuglyforeveralone :( - United Kingdom - Treharris

Today, my step-dad tried to talk me into getting plastic surgery. His reasoning: "Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey." FML

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By supermanj76 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and asked for a $50 bill in change? Being a good man i said "sure." I gave him the change and he gave me the $50 bill. As I walk into starbucks to buy a coffee, I handed the casheir my fifty dollar bill, she called the cops. It was counterfeit. FML

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By unluckycounsellor - Bermuda

Today, I was teaching swimming. A small boy said his stomach hurt, so I placed him on my back and carried him to the main building where he could lay down. He then jumped off my back and ran back towards the beach because 'he felt better'. I had explosive diarrhea all over my back. FML

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By spinner - United States

Today, I was at work. I'm a sign spinner. Lots of other employees shares stories of how they have been flashed by 18 year old hot chicks as they drive by. I got flashed by a 45 year old, 300lbs lady. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 16:56

Family matters

Today, I was told by step-dad, who I live with, that my mom "hates my guts" while smiling so big, because he got a call from her. He's so desperate for her to come back that all the lying, cheating, manipulation, and emotional abuse doesn't push him away. She's a tornado. FML

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By Bald - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, my son gave me a bottle of shampoo for my birthday. I'm as bald as a coot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Berwyn

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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By 6boss - France

Today, in art class, everybody was showing the paintings that we have been working on for weeks. Everyone was cheering and clapping. When mine came up, nobody clapped. FML

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By exfishowner

Today, my 3-year-old daughter put her grow-in-water salamander in my fish tank. The residue from the toy gummed up the filter and killed all the fish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

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By gorillalove - United States

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 23:01

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

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By junior07

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

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By curiousminx - Australia - Morningside

Today, is my first day as a student nurse. It was also the first day I learnt I was allergic to latex gloves. FML

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By kat - Reserved

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Simp

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months started a bitter fight with me. The cause was me repeatedly refusing to dye my hair the way his beloved ex did. FML

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By riya

Today, I had the worst day of my life. I'd studied science for the whole damn night, only to realize the next morning that it's a math exam. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. He didn't know how to take off my bra and insisted that he'd figure it out on his own. He gave up a couple seconds later and played video games instead. FML

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By Nickname - United States

Today, I was browsing the web when I checked the search history. Turns out my son has been searching for "nude grills" and "hot grills." Not only is my 12-year-old son attempting to find porn on the internet, he also can't spell. FML

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By Ashley - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML

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By ivannooze - United States

Today, the heat rash that has been devouring my side for the last week was revealed to be something much worse: shingles. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 02:01

Spineless

Today, after weeks of thinking about how to ask my crush out, I finally was ready to message her on Instagram, only to find out that she unfollowed me after watching my last story. FML

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By immy504 - United States

Today, at my job as a waitress, I fell, landed on my ass, managing not to spill the drinks or drop the food in my hands. A little boy yelled "NINJA WAITRESS!" Every one at work has been calling me that all day, and purposely been trying to trip me to see if I could do it again. FML

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By EnglandRocks - Switzerland - Bern

Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement to the whole family. FML

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By EwFace - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little boy. I opened up a new bottle of bubbles and it was all goopy and gross so I said "Eww!". The boy then asks, "What's "ew" mean?". I replied with, "Something gross and yucky". Then he pointed at my face and say "Ew! Ew! Ewwww!". FML

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By sendhelp

Today, my mom asked me to take my dad's mail to him. The "mail" was divorce papers. FML

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By Nick Nameous - United States

Today, I celebrated the new year. Alone. FML

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By 3yrneveragainn

Today, I figured out why the man I've been seeing for 3 years hasn't asked for my hand in marriage. His current wife called me and told me all about it. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Higher education

Today, I realized that all the swirling techniques I learned in chemistry labs has helped me to swirl alcoholic ingredients properly in my drinks to get the best mixtures. Thanks university. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found our that my crazy ex, who, after our break up, said to me, "I'm setting my life to make yours hell" has befriended my current girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

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By BadassRumbleroar - Canada

Today, I found out that when you are sitting on a full bench at a bus stop, some crazy person will come sit on you. FML

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