Life Goals

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

Triage

Walk on the wild side

Yappy neighborhood

By Anonymous

2857

703

Today, my parents were coming to visit me at my brand new apartment. I made dinner and served them the cake my roomate had left for me in the fridge. Thirty minutes after they left, I was so baked that I couldn't think straight. I still don't know if my parents made it home. FML

By Cookie - South Africa

35631

8472

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

54722

6172

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

By beya - Canada

93829

5841

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

43542

34157

Today, I was at work as a cashier. An old lady unbagged everything I had, and angrily "taught" me how to bag. She put potatoes on her eggs and broke them. She then screamed that I was useless and retarded in front of all my other customers and manager. FML

By bdjsbskl - Canada

38502

2363

Today, I told my friend I was considering adopting a dog. She looked at me like I was Satan and went on a rant about how dogs are "born evil" and will always maul someone given the chance. I still have the marks from when one of her psycho cats sliced open my arm last month. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Kennewick

21711

1720

Today, I was trying on bras in a shop when a little kid stuck their head under my stall. I was completely topless and completely surprised when they asked if I was their mommy. I'm 16. FML

By littl3storm

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157

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

By ZAnon - United States - Houston

37589

3793

Today, my sister's husband, who's never even been to college let alone medical school, told me that my cancer is not hereditary, despite a deep family history. He instead swears it's due to my "poor lifestyle and eating habits." Mind you, he's a 300 lbs, fall-down drunk with multiple DUIs. FML

By yaa - 17/4/2020 17:00

Everyone's an expert

1920

143

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck, so I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Ridgefield

20460

9692

Today, I was putting my horse away into her pasture, when I slipped in the mud. In a haisty attempt to support myself, I grabbed the electric fence in on hand, and my horse with the other. The shock from the fence traveled through me to her, sending her running and leaving me with 2 broken teeth. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

45055

6759

Today, while I was waiting to pull out of a parking space, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to put the car into reverse instead of drive while I was waiting for traffic to clear. I don't think the people who own the car behind me were laughing. Nor is my now ex-boyfriend. FML

By Broke - Australia - Melbourne

29960

3378

Today, I found out that if someone flushes a toilet the same time I'm starting the washing machine, my house will flood. FML

By Ben - United States - Louisville

45145

2841

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

By failure - Australia

37895

3050

Today, in an attempt to support and encourage my efforts in getting a new job, my boyfriend said, "Imagine having triple what's in your bank account right now!" Triple what's in my bank account right now would be exactly $38.94. FML

By Stargirl - United States - Modesto

5938

727

Today, I was feeling frisky and my boyfriend was playing a video game in the living room. I started dancing in front of the T.V. with only my panties on, to which he responded, "You're every gamer's nightmare." FML

By SweetDreamsTibi

2133

1213

Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML

By eyes wide SHIT - Australia

45911

5924

Today, I got denied a job. They told me I was unreliable because I didn't show up for my third interview. This is the same interview they called and cancelled this morning. FML

By abrooks88 - United States

29846

2037

Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML

By Anonymous - Denmark - N?rresundby

41579

5098

Today, I found out that when they put "Take with food" on the side of antibiotics, what they really mean is "Take with food because this stuff is gonna liquefy everything in your G.I. tract, and make you have to run out of the middle of calculus for the worst diarrhea ever." FML

By Anonymous - United States

30118

10834

Today, my neighbours came to yell at me as they could hear my "shit music" through my window during the afternoon, so I turned it off. They then began to play their definition of "quality music" into the late hours of the night. I was listening to the Beatles. They blasted Nicki Minaj. FML

By BornInTheWrongEra - United States

58108

5520

Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML

By qwertyasdfghzxcv - Canada

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Today, after pouring my heart out to my girlfriend of 4 years through a speech that took me 3 weeks to write, and then proposing, she responded, "Eh, why not." FML

By LukeSkywalker - United States

38196

4623

Today, the spiders in my house are so big that they catch wasps in their webs. FML

By Anonim23

1500

212

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my overprotective father. My boyfriend started out with, "Sir, it is an honor to be your daughter's sexual partner." FML

By mydadsgonnakillme - United States - Santa Barbara

64336

12371

Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML

By Teeny

gross

5841

376

Today, I was looking at the page of a girl I've had this big crush on for a long time. After getting a date with her and taking her horse back riding and having a picture taken of the two of us I find that she paint shopped me out of the picture before posting it. FML

By darkman28 - United States

63358

4524

Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML

By Puppy Loverr - Australia

33302

4801

Today, I made the mistake of telling my dentist that my dog died. She spent the next half-hour talking about her pets and how they died. I ended up crying in her dentist's chair. FML

By anonya - United States - Madera

23784

3072

Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks "Can I lick your leg?" FML

By cherry - Australia

59619

23819

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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2619

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has more armpit hair than me. FML

By manutdlol - Malaysia

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6448

Today, it's my birthday. I am a triplet. In my first class, everyone sang happy birthday to my sister. Her friends got her balloons too. My other sister's friends got her flowers. Everyone forgot I was their sister and all of my own friends forgot that it was my birthday. FML

By Forgotten Birthday Girl

4844

263

Today, I'm in my fourth month of training in the US Navy. I'm 3000 miles from home. I joined to give my wife a better life. Since I've been gone, she decided that she liked being single. FML

By singlesailor - United States

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4377

Today, I accidentally clamped my hair straightener down on my ear. Eleven hours later, it still feels like I have a burning, swollen fireball hanging off the side of my head. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30556

12175

Today, like every day, I flushed a public toilet with my foot. Today, unlike every day, my foot missed the handle and landed in the unflushed water. FML

By neednewshoes

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4881

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML

By NoSexForMe - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

67523

8607

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

By freshman - Canada

10140

59967

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Heavy

1648