Life Goals

Today, while my boyfriend was asleep, I gave him a soft kiss and whispered how handsome and gentle he looked. His response, still asleep, was to roll over and let out a massive fart. FML

Rock, hard place

Ant life

Minefield

By Anonymous - 6/10/2011 15:23 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our six-month anniversary. And by that, I mean he brought along his obnoxious best friend, and I paid for everyone's dinner at an expensive restaurant. FML

By thnxbabe - 22/9/2014 02:11

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Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 11:26 - United States - North Easton

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Today, I met my fiancé's parents for the first time. The only problem was that I was highly intoxicated. FML

By cdestarac - 10/1/2012 06:07 - United States

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Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML

By Unwanted - 2/8/2012 06:50 - United States - Fallbrook

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Today, I was eating and my dog kept bothering me. She kept scratching my legs for food, so I took a large piece of fish from my plate and tossed it out into the hallway. It flew right into my mother's face. FML

By FishFlingingMonkey - 22/8/2015 03:55 - Canada - Saint John

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Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

By alyssac11 - 25/5/2010 04:55 - United States

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Today, I got my beautiful daughter ready to be a flower girl for the first time. A flower girl in the wedding of her father, my ex-husband, and the woman he cheated on me with. FML

By maribel - 4/6/2011 11:27 - United States

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Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

By KiwiMaid - 3/6/2016 10:31 - New Zealand - Wellington

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Today, whilst working my waitressing job, I had a patron lose his rag at me because there was too much "green stuff" in his salad. What did he expect? Chicken? FML

By Bearwaitressities - 15/2/2017 21:00 - South Africa - Durban

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Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

By oopsies - 8/1/2010 01:07 - United States

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Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

By AUDONEE - 10/2/2010 06:39 - United States

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Today, my family was discussing the new rules of the house we are moving in. They told my sister she couldn't have any boys in her room. They didn't tell me I couldn't have any girls in my room. Even my parents think I can't get a girlfriend. FML

By FML1994 - 14/6/2009 17:20 - United States

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Today, while I was out shopping, a fairly hideous-looking woman stormed up to me and accused me of ogling her, saying, "As if I'd ever date you!" Less than a minute later, she'd somehow managed to bully me into falsely admitting to it and apologizing. FML

By walmart: first time, last time - 12/5/2013 16:37 - United States

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Today, I was sitting in on a boring presentation at work. I yawned and shifted in my chair, accidentally sitting on my testicles. I shrieked in pain and spent the next five minutes choking back tears, while my boss told me to shut my mouth and stop fucking around. FML

By kevcng - 10/9/2012 21:20 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend's 8-year-old daughter decided that I'm going to marry her mom and send her to an orphanage. I blurted out, "Marriage?! No one's talking about marriage!" Now my girlfriend is mad at me, and her daughter is still scared of me. FML

By fml9124 - 20/3/2020 18:00

Quick reflexes

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Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

By Anonymous - 2/11/2011 20:18 - United States

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Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML

By fredfredburger - 25/6/2014 17:45 - United States - Imperial

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Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML

By Snoodist - 6/5/2019 20:00

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Today, I went to take a dump at work, but the last person in the stall didn't flush. As I flushed for him, the shitty water splashed on my face. Some went in my mouth. FML

By Woody - 6/10/2018 14:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

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Today, I have peace of mind that I am not pregnant, thanks to my IUD. It's not because of the effectiveness of the contraceptive, but my inability to touch my boyfriend. I haven't stopped bleeding since my doctor installed it 3 weeks ago. FML

By - 14/1/2017 08:00

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Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been begging for one for a year and they always said that I would have to pay for it myself. I got really excited and went to the garage to see my new ride. It was a Hot Wheels car with a note saying "save your money". FML

By RdL - 17/3/2009 18:17 - United States

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Today, I took my friends out to an expensive restaurant for my birthday treat. They had arranged for a surprise birthday cake for me which I cut, very happily, while they chanted birthday wishes. When the bill came, I discovered I was supposed to pay for my great 'surprise' cake. FML

By abc - 27/5/2009 10:15 - Pakistan

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Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML

By dumbo - 29/5/2009 20:14 - United States

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Today, my dad got extremely drunk, so I took away his car keys and left on foot. When I came back, I saw that he had broken down my door. Now my dad is mad at me for not giving him the keys when he was drunk, and I'm door-less. FML

By DevilsTemptation - 29/8/2019 02:01 - United Kingdom - Dundee

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Today, I left for a one and a half month trip to Japan with my boyfriend. He promptly broke up with me the first night in the hotel. When asked why he couldn't have waited until the trip was over, he said he didn't want to create "false memories". FML

By VacationRuined - 16/6/2013 23:22 - Japan - Tokyo

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Today, at work, I helped out an employee who was having trouble. I even bought her a bottle of water. After the production manager decided to fire her on the spot, she went out in the parking lot and broke into several cars, including mine. FML

By peachesthepigeon - 19/1/2011 18:54 - United States

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Today, I though it would be funny to go on my boyfriend's facebook to change his status. While in the process, his account received a message. Turns out he's planning on hooking up with his ex girlfriend/one of my friends and is definitely over me. How's that for snooping around? FML

By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 14:04 - United States

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Today, I sliced my finger on the register drawer. Not wanting to freak out my customer, I stuck my hand in my pocket and finished giving them change. Now I look like I period-bled through the front of my pants. Only 10 hours to go. FML

By spoton - 26/1/2017 16:00

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Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

By starbird - 23/2/2009 19:40 - United States

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Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

By screwed - 18/6/2011 08:51 - United States

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Today, at school, I have to do a 45 minute presentation with a girl who has panic attacks so bad that she cries, runs out of the room, and sometimes passes out. This presentation terrifies her and it's a major part of my final grade. FML

By Murlocmurk - 5/12/2012 17:04 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. Just as we were ready, his mom called to say happy anniversary. She was so excited for us, she was going to stop by. After throwing out our unused and only spare condom, she called us and said she was just kidding, and to enjoy ourselves. FML

By sad gf - 14/11/2010 20:29

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Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML

By me - 30/11/2011 06:43 - Canada

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Today, my boyfriend got upset after I politely asked him to do the laundry. He takes every chance he gets to act macho and brag to people about how he's in the Marines, but apparently he is too much of a pussy to act like a man and clean his own clothes. FML

By sigh - 24/11/2011 19:30 - United States

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Today, I noticed a small bite on my arm. I couldn't figure out what it came from until I saw a small insect crawling out of my bra. FML

By Shitsuo01 - 30/12/2016 01:56 - United States - Douglasville

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Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML

By Scholar - 5/9/2012 16:13 - United States

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Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 11:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Is that a pass then?

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Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2016 23:04 - United States - Atlanta

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Today, my brother thought it would be funny to pretend my tampons were "dynamite" and run around the house throwing them at my friends and family. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2012 04:01 - Canada - Brampton

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