Kitten Struggles

Today, I went tanning for 15 min at my gym. When I got out no one was there, all of the lights were off, and the alarm started going off. Turns out the people working forgot about me, locked up, and left me there. FML

Family values

Mind your own beeswax

Property law

By Tara - 1/5/2011 00:19 - United States

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Today, my dad is still mad because I tossed his empty coffee can over 3 days ago. FML

By PocketTrash - 20/3/2020 21:00

This guy grudges

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Today, I didn't wear my contacts. Determined to prove to my friends I didn't need them, I read all the signs in sight. I couldn't read a particular one, so I began to walk closer. Suddenly I fell on my face, bruising my cheekbone. The sign said: "Caution: Watch Your Step." FML

By notexactly - 23/4/2009 07:36 - United States

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Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

By NoBalls - 12/6/2009 00:23 - United States

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Today, my parents grounded me and took away my phone, iPod and door. That's right, my door. They think that because I was stumbling and couldn't walk straight last night, I must have been out drinking. They know I suffer from chronic vertigo, but don't believe I was having an attack. FML

By sickbaby - 11/6/2011 13:06 - Singapore

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Today, I checked my inbox and realized I got an email from a potential employer saying they were having trouble getting ahold of me by phone. They called while my mom was using my phone to look up directions to the place and she answered, kindly hanging up when they asked for me. FML

By - 27/1/2017 00:00

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Today, my boyfriend and I were in the shower and things were getting heated. I tried to move position, but slipped and fell, bringing the shower curtain I'd grabbed onto down with me along its support rod. My ass hit the floor just as hard as the rod hit my head. FML

By owl + bungee cord - 7/1/2014 20:38 - United States - Herndon

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Today, while covering lunch for the self-checkout host, I noticed a customer walking away. I smiled and said "Have a nice night!" A few minutes later, I saw that she'd left without paying on her machine. I'd smiled and waved at a lady as she stole from me. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2018 19:00

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Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 01:23 - United States - South Salem

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Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

By look at the fucking universe, lady - 18/5/2013 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

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Today, my 18-month-old found our "naughty drawer." I found her carrying a "toy" all over the house. FML

By Chessmomma3 - 10/5/2019 01:00

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Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

By depressed - 22/2/2010 07:23 - United States

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Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

By NYCguy - 20/1/2010 03:59 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML

By weirdo - 21/2/2010 08:44 - United States

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Today, my class was assigned lockers. Out of all the lockers in the entire school, mine is the only one to still have graffiti on it from last year. The tagger's choice of words? "Poop face." FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 16:33 - United States

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Today, I came home and saw my cat all snuggled up with another cat on the sofa. I thought it was the cutest thing ever, until I remembered that I only have one cat. FML

By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 00:09 - United States - Green Bay

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Today, my dad got drunk and played a practical joke on me; a practical joke that resulted in my knee being broken. Now, I'm sitting in a hospital bed all alone while my dad hunts for "hot nurses". FML

By justhelpful - 2/7/2012 17:44 - Austria - Mils

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

By ljcxo17 - 1/7/2011 08:49 - United States

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Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML

By farhia97 - 8/11/2011 02:14 - United States

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Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 04:25 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

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Today, I went to the beach. After applying sunscreen liberally and doing my best to stay out of the sun, I came home with the worst sunburn I have ever had. I almost needed to go to the hospital. I am officially too pale to be allowed outside in summer. FML

By whitey - 9/1/2011 11:11 - Australia

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Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be totally honest with each other. We even told some of our deepest, darkest secrets, in hopes of strengthening our relationship. He told me he had a diaper fetish, and would love to see me in one. There goes my sex life. FML

By Maria39018 - 1/8/2009 18:17 - United States

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Today, I had to climb up and sit in a tree for half an hour to avoid being mauled by a huge, insane dog. Its weird-looking owner eventually turned up, sneered at me, and walked off with the visibly smug dog in tow. FML

By Doglover - 13/10/2011 15:55 - United Kingdom

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Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML

By Noname - 16/3/2009 17:29 - United States

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Today, my dad came out of jail. He showed me his tattoo of a bible on his chest with all his 13 kids' names on it. I'm the only one whose name is spelled wrong. FML

By XoxoChula - 22/3/2013 05:41 - United States

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Today, it's been 10 days since my family and I have been visiting France. I've always wanted to try their culinary specialties but my dad says we "can't trust them". We've eaten at McDonald's 9/10 times. FML

By theshire - 12/8/2014 06:23 - France - Nice

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Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

By anonymous - 17/5/2011 17:34 - United States

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Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 09:27 - Australia

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Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML

By stillwaiting - 9/3/2009 20:48 - United States

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Today, I came to school really sick because I had to take an important exam. After I finally finished, I accidentally sneezed on my answer sheet right before turning it in. The teacher refused to take it. FML

By sickly - 20/1/2011 05:47 - United States

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Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML

By sandwichsex - 8/8/2009 22:39 - United States

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Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML

By FMyCountry - 24/4/2017 14:00

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Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft and practice frequently. FML

By OperaLover - 12/9/2011 19:00 - United States

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Today, a lady handed me a $10 tip on a $45 bill. I was happy with it, since it was more than 20%, until she came back in and said, "I'm sorry I gave you the wrong amount." I handed it back to her and then she gave me a dollar. FML

By monkey2069 - 13/5/2014 13:58 - United States - Elgin

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Today, my mum screamed that there is nothing wrong with me, after I literally coughed up blood in front of her. This all started over me getting my medications delivered to our house, as I’m not allowed out due to Covid-19 as I’m high risk. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 20:00

Compassion

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Today, in a training class, I got to see a picture of what can happen when a man does not wear a safety harness correctly. For those of you who are unaware, male body parts are easily severed by loose straps. I cannot un-see that picture. It wasn't even a harness safety class. FML

By recmonty - 17/5/2012 03:53 - Canada - Saskatoon

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Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

By No.Life. - 14/7/2010 04:09 - United States

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Today, at almost 26 years old, my beard is finally coming in. Too bad it, like the hair on my head, is 50% grey already. FML

By inappropes - 29/10/2017 01:30

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Today, I shat myself during a job interview. FML

By SenorPoopypants - 8/1/2017 19:23

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Today, I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and another woman. She has anger issues and has been very abusive to me, and finally told my husband she wants to break up with me. Not him... just me. She’s still sleeping in our bed with him, and I’m sleeping on the couch. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 20:02

Live from Salt Lake City

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