Health: You don't say...

By Sonofaquiche - Germany - Schweinfurt

Today, I realised that it is, in fact, not a great idea to put aftershave on your freshly shaven balls. Whenever I move it feels like Satan himself puts my genitals into a fiery pit of needles. FML

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1270

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Health

Walk on the wild side

Commando

Jealousy

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from an angry parent telling me that I'm teaching her son and the other children in the class "wrong philosophies". This was all because I explained to the class that Michigan is divided into two parts. FML

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By Fml37 - Canada

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30505

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By thiswouldhappen. - United States

Today, my dad gave me a promise ring on my one year anniversary with my boyfriend and made me swear I would wait til marriage. Four hours later he walked in on us having sex in my bedroom. FML

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54446

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By notready - Australia

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend at a dinner with our two families. Not only did she flatly reject me, my dad said, "Good call. He's not ready." FML

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51855

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

My family

Today, I had to listen for over 10 minutes as my brother and grandmother discussed how much they hate me. They thought I was asleep. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML

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29713

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By Cannachick

Today, I found out how messed up I am when a guy held a knife to my throat and it turned me on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1899

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413

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By e.middlechild - United States

Today, I finally got enough courage to ask out this girl that I've liked for a year. While we were out at lunch, she ran into her ex that she had just broken up with. They then had a long conversation about their relationship, and ended up getting back together. She was my ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55328

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when a little guy walked up and flirted with her. I'm a pretty weak guy and he looked weaker, so I gave him a little push and said "Back off". He's actually not weak at all. I've got a black eye and a girlfriend who won't stop laughing to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16385

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By Anonymous

Heart = Broken

Today, I got my lady bits waxed for my man with a little heart-shaped landing strip. Later, as he removed my panties, he crinkled his nose and stated, "It looks like Donald Trump." FML

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4242

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML

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28432

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By potatoebee - United States - Clover

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

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16652

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By Downinthedumps - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at my hotel, I spent over an hour dumpster diving trying to locate a pair of shorts for a spoiled brat that one of the cleaning staff accidentally threw away. When I finally found and returned them to the family, the father insisted they weren't the right ones. Spent all day smelling of trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14218

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By PrinceOfBritain - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was walking my dog through a park with a lake. My dog was swimming in said lake, and then appeared to be having trouble keeping his head up. I put my phone and keys on the ground and waded to my dog. He was fine, but I turned around in time to see someone run off with my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30334

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By LostSleep - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11662

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771

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By lauren - United States

Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML

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39989

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By child of a crazed women - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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57072

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

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32931

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2256

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By whygod

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old sister, naked, streaming herself eating a banana. FML

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18192

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1380

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By thenewgirlfriend - United States - League City

Today, I cut my bangs. When I asked my boyfriend if he liked it he said, "It's like I'm dating a new girl, this way I won't get bored with you." FML

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50547

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By Anonymous - United States - Parker

Today, I went to my first job interview in months. Just minutes in, a sudden huge, uncontrollable sneeze overcame me. A wad of snot flew out onto my shirt, which I didn't even notice until the visibly disgusted interviewer pointed it out. FML

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42206

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By Groom - France

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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23993

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By Username - United States

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

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36239

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By mumfordandsonimdisappointed - United States

Today, I had to explain to my dad how I rear-ended the car in front of me because of a particularly intense banjo solo. FML

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13573

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By emliv12 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my grandmother told me my favorite top had a permanent smell of BO, despite my constant deodorant use. I wear the top to work just about every shift. I now realize all the weird little comments my coworkers have made are actually hints to go take a shower. FML

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9645

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

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35774

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By ElaborateScheme - United States - Palm Beach Gardens

Today, I was feeling a little bored so I decided to go outside for once. Living in Florida is nice and all except for the fact that right now I'm putting ice over two snake bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12641

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By paper towel virgin - United States - Warrensburg

Technologically Challenged

Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML

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22294

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By crushed - 23/5/2020 02:00

What about me?

Today, my wife told me about an old boyfriend she had. She told me that they used to fool around, and that she’d give him blow jobs all the time. I never get any action like that from her. FML

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1577

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223

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By wellfuck - United States - Lexington

Today, I realized I get more pleasure watching YouTube videos of people lighting their farts on fire than I do from making love to my husband. FML

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30143

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By LockedOut - United States

Today, my auto-repairman told me my heavy mass of keys was bad for the ignition switch and suggested I separate my house and car keys. I began to carry my car keys and lock the house keys in my glovebox. My car was stolen. I now have car keys but no car and a house with no house key. FML

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38339

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By suicide - United States

Today, I took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe, causing me to cough and hack loudly. The old woman sitting across from me asked if I was okay. Jokingly, I said, "Just dying." She replied, "You too, huh?" FML

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11764

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By Julia - United States

Today, I was denied a waitressing job at a local diner I have been going to for years. Due to the fact that my name is Julia. They already have a waitress there named Julie. Apparently, I would "create too much confusion." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30912

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

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61013

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By Sally19863 - South Africa

Today, I discovered that I have developed a latex allergy. I'm a third year medical student. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36879

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By confused_lemon

Should be interesting at the office tomorrow…

Today, I got thrown out by a guy I really like, with the words "Can you leave me the fuck alone, please?" I took my stuff and left as quickly as I could, just to fall down the stairs on his doorway and twist my ankle really bad. He's someone from work as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1539

You deserved it

590

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By uglyswimmer - United States

Denied

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57519

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26847

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By gotitEVERYWHERE - United States

Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25075

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By Alex - United States

Today, I had to run a mile in gym class for fitness training. If it takes longer than 10 minutes to run the stretch, you have to re-take it. My time was 10:02. FML

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40920

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Top comments

By maikeru1979 | 23

#7557200 - Friday 27 October 2017 5:30

so sorry for your pain OP but I got a great laugh out of this.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7557219 - Friday 27 October 2017 7:13

Did you not know what aftershave is or what it does?

COMMENTS

By maikeru1979 | 23

#7557200 - Friday 27 October 2017 5:30

so sorry for your pain OP but I got a great laugh out of this.

By DavyJoe | 13

#7557205 - Friday 27 October 2017 6:37

People are saying that you deserved this, but I could have made that mistake too. I didn't know that it would have that effect.

BroSkii1009 | 4

#7557427 - Friday 27 October 2017 20:35

completely agree with you there

DavyJoe | 13

#7557429 - Friday 27 October 2017 20:37

now they're downvoting me. Damn, get a life

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7557208 - Friday 27 October 2017 6:47

NEW! Old spice, now for you balls. Because that great smell shouldn't just be for your neck.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7557216 - Friday 27 October 2017 6:57

Is anyone else thinking of a porn version of that classic scene from "Home Alone?"

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7557219 - Friday 27 October 2017 7:13

Did you not know what aftershave is or what it does?

mitolit | 12

#7557590 - Saturday 28 October 2017 12:01

Maybe they are a teenager that shaved their balls for the first time and also received hair down there before their facial hair, i.e. they may not know what aftershave is.