Hungry Cat

Today, I have a cold and need to blow my nose all the time. The problem is that every time I blow my nose, I get a nosebleed. When I breathe through my mouth, I have a coughing fit. So I have to choose between not breathing, coughing up mucus or blowing blood. FML

Family values

True hero

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 14:37 - United States

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Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

By Anonymous - 14/8/2014 21:13 - Canada - Sudbury

40334

6105

Today, I went to Busch Gardens. Trying to cool off, I got on a ride that soaked me to the bone. For the rest of the time I was there, my bra was visible through my clothes, along with the "Hell Yeah" printed on my underwear. FML

By taylortotscx - 27/5/2012 17:15 - United States - Ocala

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Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML

By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 05:08 - United Kingdom - Frome

22541

44809

Today, a punk-looking college kid was making fun of my mentally handicapped son. Out of anger, I punched him in the face. I got handcuffed and thrown into a police car. The kid stood there laughing and pointing at me. FML

By ihateteenagers - 30/12/2011 02:12 - United States

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10018

Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML

By Krystyn Gareau - 9/9/2011 04:10 - Canada

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Today, I find myself in an unfortunate situation. I met my girlfriend's family and it turns out she's the baby of the family with 7 older brothers, a dad and a granddad, and 6 uncles. That’s 15 very large, very overprotective men I’m sure all want me dead. FML

By Anonymous - 29/5/2019 00:08

1920

266

Today, realized I need a new job. This happened when I was seriously considering ways to break my leg so I could stay at home for a day and not have to deal with my boss. FML

By I don't want to be here anymore - 3/11/2014 21:16 - Canada - Edmonton

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3263

Today, I got the, "It's not you, it's me" speech for the third breakup in a row. I'm beginning to think that they may not be entirely telling me the truth. FML

By swiggityswooty - 23/7/2014 04:09 - United States - Los Angeles

45947

7326

Today, after spending a great evening with the guy I really like, he dropped me off outside my house. When he pulled into my driveway, his lights shone onto my drunken mum taking the garbage out in nothing but her black panties. FML

By Emily - 3/7/2010 18:57 - Australia

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3105

Today, I was visiting a family member at a women's prison. The staff wanted to search me, basically claiming that my breasts looked suspiciously disproportionate, implying I was smuggling something in. FML

By Anonymous - 27/11/2013 17:51 - United States - Poquoson

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Today, I had a gymnastics meet. I thought I was done with my period, but when I was up on the beam warming up my routine, one of my coaches called me down and told me that I apparently wasn't. My coach goes around asking my teammates moms if they had any pads. My dad caught this all on tape. FML

By Noname - 17/3/2009 20:35 - United States

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Today, I started college after a night out. I'd got tipsy at the club and started dancing with a cute guy. He asked for my number. I didn't want to give it to him, so I gave him a rejection number. Guess who's the new professor for my bio class? And yes, he recognized me. FML

By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 23:51 - United States

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Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:21 - Canada

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Today, I woke up to a loud bang. Thinking someone had broken in, I grabbed my hunting knife and ran downstairs, only to find my TV on the floor, completely destroyed, and my cat casually sitting next to it without a care in the world. FML

By BadKitty - 11/9/2016 13:37 - Australia - Invermay

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1235

Today, in science class, we had to make play-dough with our lab partners. We were allowed to put one thing in it to make it more bouncy or rubbery. My partner said that he wanted to put a chicken wing in ours. FML

By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 15:45 - United States

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Today, I covered a 10-hour shift for a sick coworker. Glad to earn some extra money for the holidays, I went to clock out. I hadn't even clocked in when I first got there at 7 am. FML

By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 04:02 - United States

43886

16369

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 14:29

Tonight, on First Dates…

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560

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

By anonymous - 26/1/2013 08:42 - United States - Fairbanks

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5615

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 11:11 - Australia - Brisbane

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Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

By somnolence - 17/9/2016 21:20 - United States - Beaverton

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1947

Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML

By aurora320 - 19/7/2016 19:50 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

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Today, I was really excited to be observing my first autopsy for my forensics class. Apparently so was the guy behind me. He barfed up ramen noodles all over my hair and back. I couldn't leave the room to clean up. For two hours. FML

By anonymous - 16/2/2010 01:25 - United States

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1920

Today, I had a job interview. I have a nervous tendency to rub my foot against the bar under the table. After the interview I noticed I had been rubbing my foot against the interviewer's leg. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2009 19:00 - United States

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Today, my pasty white boyfriend told me he intended to try and grow dreadlocks. FML

By FUCK, NO. - 26/5/2019 06:11

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290

Today, I walked to work. I later discovered that my husband had parked my car in a no-parking area. My job is towing cars. I had to tow my own car. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2013 03:04

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Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

By Anonymous - 22/8/2014 18:41 - United States - Doylestown

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Today, I woke up late for work, and got sick at work twice; when I got home I discovered I'd paid my cable bill late when I got cut off. When my girlfriend came over, the first thing she said was "Do you know about the graffiti on your car?" FML

By byepolar_bare - 19/12/2010 11:29 - United States

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Today, I found the purity ring I lost a year ago. Too bad I lost my virginity 4 months ago. FML

By BNLM - 9/3/2010 01:11 - United States

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Today, the boy I have crush on at school announced that his family were moving to Australia. My friend thought that it would be funny to spread a rumour that I was moving too, in order to follow him. Everyone has heard it, and unfortunately everyone believes it, including him. FML

By FirmlyInEngland - 17/9/2009 09:23 - United Kingdom

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Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

By cockalicious - 1/3/2011 05:29

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Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

By cmolloy - 21/12/2011 14:40 - Ireland

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Today, at the train station a woman's baggage had gotten stuck in the ticket barriers, so I used my ticket to unlock the barriers for her but told her to wait so I could get through too. She didn't wait. And I got painfully stuck in the barriers whilst I watched my train go by. FML

By Anonymous - 15/1/2015 11:35 - Australia

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Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML

By Alfie4 - 5/3/2012 22:30 - United Kingdom

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Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me for a glass of water and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML

By JimmyT - 3/3/2013 22:21 - Norway - Bergen

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Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

By Jess - 30/5/2009 12:48 - United States

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Today, my brother thought it’d be a hilarious prank to put Super Glue in my hair extension glue. I didn’t notice until after the first couple rows. FML

By fuckmyhair - 16/4/2020 23:00

Stuck

1395

199

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

By Anonymous - 1/1/2012 18:09 - Canada

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Today, after many weeks of talking to this guy over the phone for hours on end and establishing that we both had feelings for the other, we met in person. He saw me, got an "emergency text," and hasn't talked to me since. FML

By dino317 - 27/2/2010 05:02 - United States

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