Hungry Cat

Today, while at the mall, I was traveling up the escalator on my way to the food court. When I neared the top, the handrail severely shocked me, causing me to drop a bag of China I had just bought, which fell to the bottom of the escalator and shattered. FML

Out of it

A saint

Fuck the patriarchy

By 6xrv

5383

506

Today, my boyfriend of one year and seven months left me for not wanting to have a baby yet. I'm seventeen years old. FML

By kaitiem224 - United States - Pratt

30882

2836

Today, my dog got out and ran off at 8 p.m., so I had 11 friends and family looking in the freezing cold night for it until 11:30 p.m. Turns out, the dog was locked in the garage the whole time. FML

By Anonymous

1006

1204

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

By Jim

28314

4278

Today, I'm in an open marriage and had to admit to myself that I caught feels for my "friend with benefits" who was only interested in the "benefits" part and I had to break it off. I already miss the sex. FML

By Go_There - 26/10/2020 02:01 - United States - Madison

Cake, eating it…

362

1199

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a massage. I guess I hit the spot, because he muttered, "Please marry me" into the pillow. Considering we've been going out for years and had spoken about marriage before, I stopped in my tracks. He stammered, "Oh, I mean... Not like that. Will you keep going?" FML

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

40777

4525

Today, my 5-year-old daughter saw a pad commercial. She asked me what they were, but I didn't think she was old enough to hear it. I just told her that they're like diapers for mommies. Now she won't stop telling people that mommy wears diapers. FML

By diapermommy - United States

16956

46328

Today, I was fooling around on Omegle, when I came across a guy who claimed he could suck himself off. I was doubtful, but morbidly curious, so I told him to prove it. Turns out he could. Before I could close the browser window in horror, my dad walked in and got a good look too. FML

By didntevenknow - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

14487

37873

Today, I called in sick to my job. I'm already on shaky ground there, but I was honestly sick. I happened to call in during the mandatory departmental meeting. Apparently, I was supposed to go in a half-hour early. I called in thirty minutes late, during a required meeting. FML

By Anonymous

1411

1027

Today, I bought a different car because I was having to constantly repair my old one. On the way home from the dealer, the check engine light came on. FML

By fed up

2746

194

Today, I created myself a Dropbox folder named "Traffic fines". FML

By zarko - Croatia - Zagreb

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

3269

5517

Today, I went to take a dump at work, but the last person in the stall didn't flush. As I flushed for him, the shitty water splashed on my face. Some went in my mouth. FML

By Woody - United States - Salt Lake City

2570

361

Today, I got paired up with a coworker for a three-month project. All he talks about is how attractive my girlfriend is and what he would do with her. FML

By 3 More Months - United States - Stanford

49290

3723

Today, the girl who broke up with me and disappeared 6 years ago wished me a happy Father's Day. FML

By IneedMaury - United States - Lowell

56326

6295

Today, I decided to give things a go with the guy that has fancied me for three years, based purely on my looks. After getting to know my personality he has decided he no longer fancies me at all. FML

By twat - United Kingdom

22947

7805

Today, I walked into Jamba Juice like I do every day. I decided to order something different than I usually do, and was flattered when the cashier recognized me. Then he switched places with another employee, and from the back room I hear "Hey, ugly's back again." FML

By Anonymous - United States

32976

3112

Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year old woman. She says "Man, you're a fast cashier, I like my men fast!" and then gives me a wink. I got really nervous and didn't know how to respond, so not thinking, I quickly said, "Yeah, me too." FML

By Patrick - United States

29859

7402

Today, I learned that when I start University next month I will have to either pay $900 for an all-access semester-long parking pass, pay $200 for for a bus pass that takes an hour to get to campus, or pay $100 to park outside campus and walk 4 miles to and from class each day. FML

By Anonymous

4580

585

Today, my boyfriend came over. We'd planned on losing out virginities today. What we didn't plan on was having my 9-year-old brother and his friends making a video of "What teens do when no one is home." They taped the whole thing, including the five minutes it took us to get the condom on. FML

By Anonymous

2720

845

Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML

By lkvetched - United States - Palestine

12867

1020

Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Ballwin

48925

5459

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

23363

1410

Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Suwanee

38352

5483

Today, I tried to surprise my parents by coming home from college for Spring Break. I arrived to find a dark house, with all the doors bolted shut. After calling them, I found out that they have gone on a vacation to Hawaii for a week. I am now locked out of my own house, with no where to stay. FML

By Abandoned - United States

50696

13440

Today, I flew 1800 km with my two small children to a remote northern village for work. Our bags were lost, leaving us without winter gear and only one change of clothes. Just to make things extra fun, we now all have uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. FML

By Anonymous

10022

1016

Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML

By Anonymous - Australia

24747

2606

Today, was my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML

By dentistftw - United States

48868

2880

Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Sharon

50604

3706

Today, I realized that I spend more money on gas to go to my job than what I get paid. FML

By izziegrl - Mexico - Naucalpan

28320

3605

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

By noonotme - United States

27374

6632

Today, while working as a paramedic, we got called to an assisted living home. The medical emergency? The woman had a leak in her bathroom and wanted it fixed. FML

By random - United States - Amarillo

39086

2582

Today, my electric razor fell flat right after I had finished with my first cheek. And of course I don't have a manual one. FML

By Goatkvlt - France

25656

5865

Today, I brought several bags of soda cans to the store to cash in. I hadn't shaved, and my coat had fur all over from my cat rubbing on it. The lady in front of me turned around, looked at my bags and me and said, "It's a lot of money people throw away, isn't it?" Apparently, I look homeless. FML

By AndyAnonymous - United States

12754

22355

Today, my 6-year-old son apparently decided to make a game out of clogging the toilet with toilet paper. He won, and now the whole basement is flooded. FML

By will - Canada

1411

192

Today, I met my new roommate. I also met her stuffed animals, who introduced themselves to me. My roommate makes inanimate objects talk. FML

By roomie487 - United Kingdom

41127

4315

Today, I walked in on my fiancé while he was masturbating to the Spice Girls movie. FML

By Anonymous

Zigazig Ah

5242

772

Today, I was babysitting my 4-month-old niece at the park, when a woman came up to me and said, "Don't worry, dear. You'll get your figure back soon." FML

By notamum - Australia - Belmont

43536

4682

Today, as he was going out, I asked my father if he stop by the store and buy some tampons for me and toilet paper for the house, because we have been out for the last 5 days. He came home with a 30-pack of beer and cigarettes instead. I just started my time of the month and we have no more money. FML

By hellishome

Dad priorities

2175

163

Today, I discovered that an unmentioned side effect of my new medication is body zits. I now have zits on my neck, my ear, and inside my nose. FML

By ewwww - United States

36283

3390