Goodbye Dreams

Today, I saw my dad's friend across the street working on my neighbor's roof. To continue the airsoft war we'd been having I shot at him with the sniper gun I bought. I hit him, and he fell off the roof. I ran over to see if he was ok. It wasn't my dad's friend. FML

Understandable

Time for the ER

All for nothing

By FailedSniper - 22/3/2011 16:31 - United States

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Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML

By atterz123 - 12/2/2009 13:37 - United Kingdom

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Today, I wrote a Facebook post venting about the horrible things I've been going through lately, hoping my friends would console me. I discovered that my English teacher from 30 years ago, the creepy dude who keeps asking me out, and some random chick I don't even know are my only "friends." FML

By LoveUGuysToo - 5/8/2020 14:03

Where did everyone go?

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Today, I'm stuck in a ramshackle house that my aunt bought and moved everyone out to. Only one bathroom works, and she won't let us flush it because the house keeps flooding. Four people are stuck here with just one toilet filled with poop and urine, while she's been staying at a friend's house. FML

By queenariii - 28/6/2016 05:55 - United States - Atlanta

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Today, I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown, and poured my heart out to a doctor, who seemed to be well over 60. She looked at me, flabbergasted and said, "I never met anyone with that many problems!" Gee, thanks. FML

By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 08:01

In all my days…

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Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

By Female - 22/1/2013 23:16 - Australia - Elsternwick

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Today, I was riding to a prom with my friends in the middle of a swamp-covered area. I stuck my head out the top and screamed like they do in the movies. My hair, makeup, and mouth were quickly filled with bugs. FML

By iAMloud - 19/3/2011 02:29 - United States

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Today, my 12-year-old son and 13-year-old daughter sprayed themselves with a ton of deodorant and perfume respectively. The two clouds of spray have combined into a noxious gas that slowly traveled through the house, giving everybody an instant, massive headache. Everybody, except my son and daughter. They think they smell great. FML

By Stigmamma - 12/5/2019 04:00

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Today, my boyfriend had a Christmas party for all of our friends. He asked me not to get "too drunk". I think throwing up on the floor while simultaneously peeing your pants fit his definition. FML

By Unfortunate - 27/12/2010 05:41 - Canada

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Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

By ramis182 - 27/3/2012 00:17 - United States - Federal Way

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Today, at the gas station I work a lady called wanting to know the "password" and if I was okay. Thinking it was a prank I hung up. A couple of minutes later she called back, this time asking if I could see the cops outside and telling me I'd be alright. I saw four of 'em. I'd hit the silent alarm by accident. FML

By Keldar - 19/8/2009 07:53 - United States

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Today, my mom blew her top when I casually mentioned that it's pretty well known that the story of Jesus is a retelling of older Persian and Egyptian stories. She then went on to yell at me that I wasted my money on college and "book learning". FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2013 23:36 - United States - Tucson

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Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML

By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 20:16 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend "accidentally" set her relationship status to "single", and 20 of my friends "liked" it, including my mom. FML

By facebook - 24/6/2010 10:09 - Australia

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Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

By avoid the sour cream - 30/12/2013 06:14 - United States

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Today, I went over to welcome this new couple to our subdivision with a bottle of wine and muffins. I told them I liked what they were doing with the place, then asked them when they had moved in. They replied, "Two years ago." FML

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 15:02 - United States

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Today, for the millionth time, I walked into a complete smellhole of a bathroom, because my almost ten-year-old sister not only never flushes, but she doesn't wipe either. FML

By Anonymous - 12/3/2017 07:00 - Canada - Sudbury

If it's brown, let it float around.

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Today, after the firetruck and EMS came to my house for an emergency, I realized that not all firefighters looked like the ones in my calendar. This depressed me more than the emergency. FML

By sad - 8/12/2009 15:11 - United States

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Today, I wanted to eat my last bowl of sugary cereal before starting my new diet. I fell down the stairs with the full bowl in hand. Message received, universe. FML

By bonbon789 - 27/3/2014 18:10 - United States

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Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML

By anonymous - 12/12/2014 01:17 - United States - Gainesville

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Today, I was in the car with my 16 year old daughter. There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. I yelled to him to "get it up!" so that he would do a wheelie. Just before the light turned green he yelled back, "You're too old for me, but I'll get it up for her!" FML

By Anonymous - 5/2/2010 06:18 - United States

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Today, I was using the elliptical when I got a bad wedgie. All the ellipticals are up against a wall so after trying to pick it I finally decided to just pull down the back of my pants and underwear. I then remembered there was a window to a yoga class behind me. I mooned them all. FML

By MikeyPeters - 13/3/2009 04:26 - United States

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Today, I jokingly sent my girlfriend a link to an article about giving better head. She didn't think it was funny, and has since sent me numerous articles about the female orgasm, and I just got a link to the Wikipedia article about the clitoris. FML

By Anonymous - 10/3/2015 23:15 - United States - Angleton

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Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML

By what the fuck - 7/6/2013 21:20 - United Kingdom - Northolt

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Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being smart said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk and me. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 16:53 - United States

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Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

By why - 12/10/2015 02:07 - United States - Broomfield

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Today, my dad asked me for a word that rhymes with vagina. He was filling out an anniversary card for my mom. FML

By nothingdoes - 27/10/2010 17:59 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I were wondering whose extra spare key was on the counter when we came home. Turns out it's his ex's and she returned it, while neither of us were home. We're still taking inventory to see what's missing. FML

By thenewgirl - 6/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Jacksonville

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Today, as things were finally heating up with a guy I'm interested in, his ex-girlfriend from two months ago called. Guess who's pregnant and guess who's still in a seven-month dry spell. FML

By Guess I'm not getting laid - 3/8/2018 14:30 - United States - Glasgow

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Today, I had to explain to half of my class that yes, my birthday is on the same day as Hitler's, but no, it does not make me a Nazi. FML

By happy birthday to me - 5/12/2013 05:14 - United States

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Today, while in bed with my game obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

By anonymous - 20/2/2010 01:47 - Ireland

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Today, my mother was vaccuming the stairs. Trying to be polite, I climbed over the banister to the floor above, so I wouldn't interrupt her. She looked at me odd and said, "I'm surprised that held your weight." The banister is maple and steel. FML

By Anonymity - 28/3/2009 03:15 - Canada

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Today, my mother yelled at me for not doing all of my homework. She got so mad, she tore up a drawing I'd spent over a week working on. That was my art homework. FML

By StillPissedOffAtIrony - 6/9/2014 17:25 - United States - Hialeah

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Today, I got lost in a car park, late at night, unable to find my car. I started panicking, so I called my dad. I sat down to catch my breath. After about 2 minutes, I heard a noise. I looked up to see a guy jerking off while watching me. He smiled, so I instinctively threw my backpack at his junk and he ran off. FML

By Anonymous - 30/5/2019 02:00

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Today, my wife screamed at me, calling me a "useless, ungrateful piece of crap", all because I wouldn't have sex with her, despite hours of her nagging. I said no because I've been laid-up in bed for the past week waiting on surgery for an excruciatingly painful hernia. FML

By B - 4/2/2012 01:17 - United States

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Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML

By geek - 22/7/2015 03:02 - United States - Lynnwood

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Today, I went with my beautiful fiancée to tell her Grandmother, who's a bit senile, that we were engaged. Her response: "I know he's very nice, but think about the chubby little ugly children he'll give you". This was followed by a recollection of her ex-boyfriends who would've fathered attractive kids. FML

By Joe - 3/4/2011 07:33 - Australia

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Today, as I was washing my boyfriend's fishbowl, the fish did a Nemo and made an unholy leap down the drain. My immediate impulse was to flip the switch. Our kitchen now smells like mutilated fish and my boyfriend won't speak to me. FML

By gimmeasalad - 21/4/2012 06:01 - United States - Walnut Creek

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Today, I was at a house-warming party and my friend was in her kitchen making drinks. When I was almost done with my drink, I went to take the last gulp and saw three mouse turds stuck to the inside bottom of the glass. FML

By trbaby - 14/2/2017 15:00 - United States - El Cajon

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