Don&#039;t Look...

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

Instadrama

Hello everyone!

Thanks, I'm cured!

By nobieb - 20/8/2013 16:28 - Canada - Welland

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Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML

By Chris - 3/4/2011 17:41 - United States

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Today, during my friend's group's science project presentation, the teacher yelled at me, "Stop making stupid faces at the presenters!" I was smiling. FML

By mcadabax - 5/11/2011 11:06 - Canada

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Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

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Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

By Thalassophobic - 21/7/2009 05:32 - United States

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Today, I wore a beautiful new dress that I got for £5 only in a sale. I've been turning heads in it all day. When I got home, my mum pulled the massive red £5 tag off of the back. FML

By Adalia - 3/10/2009 15:38 - United Kingdom

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Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

By Anonymous - 4/3/2014 04:12 - United States - Woodland

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Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

By Venus - 13/3/2014 22:28 - United States - La Crescenta

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Today, I lost my job because I was late. I was late because I had no alarm. I had no alarm because my roommate got mad and broke my phone when I beat her at scrabble. FML

By Really? - 10/7/2010 14:57 - United States

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Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML

By Anonymous - 11/9/2015 10:51 - United States - Pleasantville

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Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML

By jakethemuss - 9/8/2014 23:03 - Australia - Perth

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Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 06:47 - United Kingdom - Warrington

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Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I want to get my tubes tied, because I don’t want kids and can’t stand the fear of getting pregnant by accident, despite contraception, which has happened before. He summarized: “So, the main point is to preserve your fertility, right?” Wrong. FML

By Anonymous - 1/9/2020 04:57 - Germany

Childfree

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Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2019 18:02

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Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets and lost my job. FML

By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 22:57 - United States

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Today, I was accidentally tagged in a photo of a group of people by a 'friend' on Facebook. She later corrected it, apparently everyone had already seen the tag and decided that the comment box below was a great opportunity to discuss how none of them would ever be caught dead hanging out with me. FML

By Coolkid. - 14/6/2009 17:53 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend insisted that we try phone sex. He started telling me all the things he wanted to do to me while breathing heavily. Unfortunately, it sounded so ridiculous, I burst out laughing. He hung up on me, and has refused to pick up since. FML

By Lickmylovepump - 19/1/2012 04:09 - United States

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Today, my mother woke up again in a bad mood due to the quarantine and went off on how us siblings complain about each other all the time. Truth is, she's the one complaining non stop about whichever sibling is not in the room. FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 02:08 - United States - Pittsburgh

Do as I say…

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Today, I was walking out of class when I saw a girl enthusiastically run to her boyfriend, jump on him, and smother him with kisses. I thought to myself "I wish my girlfriend did that." When the girl jumped off and turned around I realized she did, just not to me. FML

By zitroskies - 7/10/2009 00:04 - United States

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Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights ago. It read, "Please don't get mad if you notice a rash on your private parts. Sorry in advance." FML

By SterlingSilver91 - 3/9/2011 23:49 - Canada

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Today, as I was walking home, I saw an ambulance pull into my driveway with its sirens blaring. Thinking it could be for my sick father, I started frantically sprinting. I managed to trip on my pant-leg, twisting my ankle in the process. They were just turning around in my driveway. FML

By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 04:12 - Canada - Kingston

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Today, I finally lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It hurt like hell, was over in less than a minute, and he tried to reuse the condom for a second round. FML

By Anonymous - 3/11/2012 01:23 - Canada - Bedford

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Today, my boyfriend said to me, "You know how I know I love you? I don't want you to leave after we have sex." He thinks that's a compliment. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 13:47 - United States

Sweet talker

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Today, I went to a comic shop to celebrate Free Comic Book Day. A guy in a really nice Spider-Man costume showed up, so I asked and got a selfie with him on my way out. When I got home, I realized my wallet was missing from my back pocket. I was robbed by Spider-Man. FML

By Anonymous - 11/5/2018 15:00

The Spectacular Spider-Thief

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Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft I own, like my sweater, house socks, blanket, and even my hair bun on the top of my head. I only realised this when my boyfriend pointed out that my parrot was humping my bun. FML

By Zannanana - 30/10/2018 05:00

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Today, I accidentally left my Nintendo 3DS at the barbershop, so I rushed back to get it. The 60-year-old barber had destroyed it with a hammer, saying it was a weapon of the devil. I was gone 5 minutes. FML

By Oh hello there - 17/6/2018 01:30

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Today, my mom thought the best way to stop me from taking people to my room was by changing my wallpaper into a nursery-themed one. Now I get to see bunnies, letter blocks and teddy bears all day long. FML

By happiestturtle - 8/6/2016 15:21 - United States - Chicago

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Today, when I went to work, my nice coworker gave me a gift basket. And cookies. I had to tell him that I caught his kid keying my car last night. FML

By Florida - 24/11/2016 03:04 - United States - Winchester

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Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the 2nd floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the 5th press that I realized we were already on the 2nd floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML

By edodge - 15/10/2010 03:03 - United States

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Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

By froyo - 26/2/2009 17:01 - United States

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Today, I drove to the beach for an hour to relax before returning to the intense workload of midterms. A kid walking by threw a cracker near me and I was instantly attacked by a group of seagulls. FML

By beachbirdbait - 9/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Savannah

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Today, I had to explain to my boss that using a wired connection instead of wifi won't stop his computer from getting viruses. He looked at me, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, like he was a 13-year-old boy and I was a pair of tits. Then he called me clueless and told me to get back to work. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2014 22:54 - United States - Stockton

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Today, I bought an automatic air refresher. I put the can and batteries in, and it promptly sprayed a blast of its scent down my throat. Now I can't breathe without tasting it. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2014 21:08 - Canada - Prince Albert

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Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 06:04 - Canada

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Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML

By jellybean_94 - 15/8/2009 04:33 - Canada

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Today, I had to drive over an hour away to buy toilet paper. FML

By abutorac951 - 16/3/2020 16:48

Panic! At the Costco

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Today, I have learned a lot of "big" words from reading so much, but can actually only pronounce about half of them correctly. FML

By anon - 25/9/2014 05:48 - United States - Germantown

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Today, I called my mom to ask for some help with my dishwasher. Somehow, the call got turned into a video call. I was wearing a bathrobe, and she was naked in her bathroom. Most awkward call ever. FML

By FaceTime issues - 6/4/2014 06:57 - United States - Scottsdale

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Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 12:42 - United States - Clifton Park

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