Don&#039;t Look...

Today, while running late to my sister's wedding and rushing to get ready, I accidentally grabbed my travel size shaving cream can in place of my body spray, and quickly drew a blue foaming line across my rental tux. FML

Serious times

Mother of the year

BO Central

By Anonymous - United States

30923

13914

Today, while making a grand show of his generosity, my boss gave me my own commissions as a wedding gift. FML

By GeeThanks - Canada - Toronto

3149

268

Today, my brother's girlfriend and my girlfriend went out shopping. My brother's girlfriend bought a pair of killer black heels and a box of condoms. My girlfriend bought a pair of orange Crocs and a vibrator. FML

By Mikey832 - United Kingdom

46789

14762

Today, my friend is acting like a martyr over not wanting to get a job and guilt tripping me for having one. I mean, I hate my job but I also like my ability to pay bills, unlike some apparently. FML

By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 02:04

Heaven knows I'm miserable now…

787

Today, my mom called my workplace and told my boss to make sure I wear a hat so I didn't get heatstroke like I did on my last shift. I'm 25. FML

By notmysistersbf - Canada - Summerland

29599

3927

Today, after a big argument, my girlfriend looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I can go the rest of my life without sex, you know." FML

By Anonymous - France - Paris

Minor Threat

52251

13237

Today, instead of my boyfriend calling me his Kit Kat like he normally does, he called me his "Kit Kat Chunky". When I asked him why, he said it's because I'm now 20% chunkier. FML

By Anonymous - 29/5/2021 07:59

Smooth talker

794

248

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

By HkxAliso0302 - China - Beijing

News from China

1650

172

Today, I was walking down the street when someone pushed me into poison ivy. He ran off saying, "That's for beating me in the race." I've never been in a race, nor have I ever met him. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

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3515

Today, I was driving along, and went to spit out my window. My window was up. This happened in heavy traffic. People saw. FML

By Anonymous - United States

20051

51757

Today, I took a friend home from the hospital. She was on medication that made her drowsy. She fell onto her bed and asked me to help her take off some clothes since she had her winter gear on. She passes out and her roommate walks in and catches me undressing an unconscious girl. FML

By Nemesis2747 - United States

39703

3297

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

By fml - United States - Denver

30293

2616

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

By torkx3 - United States

19719

40088

Today, I woke up at 2:30 AM. Thinking I was going to be late for my 3:30 AM flight, I rushed into the bathroom to shower. As I came out of the shower, I slipped and broke my arm. I then realized my flight is tomorrow. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

33757

8842

Today, during my run through a nature preserve, I rounded the corner to a pair of legs sticking out on the trail. My first thought was that someone was hurt, but as I got closer I realized it was one guy blowing another on the side of the trail. I had to jump over his legs. FML

By Sessionsjc - United States - Boca Raton

5443

418

Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you". FML

By sad sack. - United States

24931

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Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang, I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML

By swag papi - Australia - Perth

21919

8300

Today, a shopper approached me at Target and said, "So are you just gonna stand there to look pretty and do nothing around here?" I ignored his comment, until he got so upset that he wanted to speak to my manager. It would have been understandable if I actually worked there. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

31150

2237

Today, my college dormitory accused me of something I didn't do, breaking a law that I never heard of, charged me $200 to fix "what I did wrong", and is forcing me to go to counciling at the school. Not only was I not on campus when it happened, but I was the one who reported the problem. FML

By Anonymous

10872

757

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

By princev - United States

11572

112572

Today, two days before my birthday, my parents drove three hours to visit me at school and take me out to lunch. I assumed that it was to celebrate my birthday. They told me they are getting divorced. FML

By Meh - United States

70802

2806

Today, I went on a bad first date and the guy was more into it than me. I tried to scare him away by only speaking in robot voice, with robot arms. He thought it was adorable, and told me I reminded him of his mother. FML

By Queso Dog - Japan

15202

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Today, my mother started arguing with me once again about how my life revolves around my girlfriend and how it's unhealthy to spend so much time with her. We live together and are engaged to be married. FML

By Anonymous

Oedipus Rex

1828

142

Today, I found out that people in the apartment to the left, in the one to the right and in the one above mine all tested positive for Covid, a week ago. FML

By Bhrugu - 30/4/2021 04:00 - India - Hyderabad

Get tested, people

832

Today, someone painted the "Dark Mark" on the side of my car. It won't come off and my kids refuse to get in because it means "a wizard died in there." FML

By spellbound - Australia - Perth

38499

4080

Today, a client shouted at me over something that had nothing to do with me. She put such effort into shouting that she farted in my office. FML

By ANNIEDBD - Ireland - Dublin

26953

2115

Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriends shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML

By noname - Canada

36376

13761

Today, I seemingly decided not to remove my foot from the pedal-clip of my bicycle until I had properly introduced myself to the cement. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

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Today, I'm trying to get over my OCD by wearing 2 different shoes. FML

By AlexSnower

Mismatched

1136

383

Today, my best female friend got dumped. Seeing how I was alone when I got dumped, I didn't want her to feel the same, so I was nice to her and tried to help her as much as I could. I've now been getting constant messages from our mutual friends, telling me to stop hitting on her. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

4887

502

Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

By Anonymous - United States

23135

4235

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

By Anonymous

Fresh air

1465

354

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

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4078

Today, I was laying on the couch, listening to music. I guess my brother noticed that I was yawning a lot, because when I opened my mouth and yawned again, he dropped one of his rancid toenail clippings into my mouth, then broke into hysterical laughter at my freaking out. FML

By argfarblewarblearble - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML

By creeped out - United States - Smithtown

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Today, I rushed to the post office to mail an important document for the study abroad program that I'd applied for, which was due in a few days. Just as the envelope slipped out of my hand and into the mail box, I caught a glimpse of the upper right corner where there was supposed to be a stamp. FML

By nostamp - United States

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Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

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Today, I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled. When I took one of her bags she yelled. I didn't know she was deaf. FML

By Cob - United States

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