Disrespectful Puppy

Today, on the train, a man kept grabbing my crotch. When I told him to stop, I got yelled at for harassing an elderly man. FML

Proactive

Out of it

"Based on your purchase history…"

By Anonymous

5115

281

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

By bargainshopper - South Africa - Cape Town

24704

12829

Today, my ex purposely taught our kids to call all the Star Wars characters by Star Trek names. I’m not sure what bothers me more, the fact that she did it, or the fact that it makes me utterly insane when they say them. FML

By stardad - United States - Hesperia

1451

350

Today, I came back to my dorm only to find the noise of my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was talking in my head when I said at least do it against the other wall. But, when I was leaving later, he walked by apologizing and said that he thought that I was not there, then promised to do more quietly next time. FML

By "cowboy_gold "

Don't ignore neighbor

1650

413

Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "mom" while at work. FML

By Anonymous - Brazil - Jacare

39951

2852

Today, I found out that my fiancé is going to be deployed on our wedding day. FML

By unwed - United States

64369

4383

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML

By CHStennis_4 - United States

41206

3850

Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML

By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

10843

699

Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML

By nikto

34950

3942

Today, I came home to my 60-something year-old father, stoned off his ass, buck naked in our living room doing a spirited rendition of Girls Just Want to Have Fun with an Australian accent and a tambourine. The windows were open. The poor neighborhood children will most likely need therapy. FML

By Andy - 4/4/2020 23:00

Stoners of the world unite!

1607

175

Today, I decided to face one of my fears. I've never had a birthday party, out of fear that nobody would come. I sent out a mass text inviting people out for my birthday, trying to sound casual. The only replies I received were along the lines of "Who the hell's this?" FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

43529

4669

Today at 10:00 pm, someone rang my doorbell 4 times, while I was sleeping. I thought it was an emergency and I opened the door to my neighbor who just want to ask if I had a blackout at noon. FML

By RIP - United States - Lambertville

Troublemaker

1741

132

Today, I was the paramedic at the scene of a car accident. One lady was hurt, and we had trouble getting any information from her as she was sobbing. I radioed in the details and said "...a lady in her mid 30's, ETA 10 minutes." She stopped crying, slapped me, and said, "I'm 28." FML

By Paramedic - United Kingdom

41961

4434

Today, my parents asked if I wanted to go to military school so I said, "Yeah, that would be awesome," thinking it was a joke. They weren't joking. FML

By AlienZ - United States

24189

43902

Today, as I sat down for my flight, I realised that the passenger I had to sit next to for the next seven hours was wearing a necklace made from tampon packaging. FML

By lotd - United Kingdom - Henley On Thames

26045

2043

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

By Anonymous - United States

7177

66976

Today, my best friend actually had the audacity to try and one-up my suicide attempt story. FML

By seriously?

48768

10493

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a year and a half ended it. Why? He found another girl. "She's just like you." FML

By anonymous - United States - Cape Coral

54018

4187

Today, my wife told me she'd rather bust up concrete than get it on with me. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

28663

3904

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

By damn - United States - Kenton

49345

7973

Today, I was on a flight coming back home. On my right was a fat monk who was snoring very loudly, and on my left there were two old women who were talking about their teenage love lives in detail. The flight was 17 hours long. FML

By ihatelongflights - United States

37674

3005

Today, after a rough night, my husband's alarms started going off at 5 a.m. All 4 of them. Old town road, the Skyrim theme, that lady yelling, "I got shit to do today" and bagpipes. I'm awake. He's not. FML

By Anonymous

Monday Morning Blues

1884

131

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray me with a hose while I was holding a kitten, showing her how cute we were. Needless to say, now I'm covered head to toe in cat scratches. FML

By littlespoon - United States

27356

3537

Today, my grandfather asked me why the broccoli I served for dinner was white. I told him it was cauliflower. He would't believe me, accused me of being a Russian spy, and stormed out. FML

By veggieluver - United States - Scarsdale

36869

3232

Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day. But I want to date some other girls first." FML

By so romantic - United States

43625

3504

Today, I sent out an email asking people to contact me if they were not on our group's email list yet so that I could add them. I sent it out to the group list. They were quite amused. FML

By Dummas

3611

6028

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

65640

6064

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

By lol112 - United States - Monroe Township

28685

5435

Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML

By Narehs - United States

30081

2874

Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML

By Anonymous - United States

89170

4360

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Covington

28793

2505

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

By cmolloy - Ireland

35246

4458

Today, a kid I coach on a regular basis was talking to me about what I did outside of work. After we were done with the conversation, she told me with a straight face that I need to get a life and get a boyfriend. She's 10. And she's right. FML

By gymnasticscoach - United States

57859

9927

Today, I got stopped by people asking for donations for their charity services. Being who I am, I hate saying no to people, so I told them "I don't have any money, only my card." Did you know they also accept payment by card? FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Elwood

29030

7334

Today, my girlfriend and I were buying Subway. When it came to ring up the order the lady asked us together or separate? My girlfriend looked and said separate. Half-jokingly, I asked if it was some sort of hint. She looked at me and said yes. I got broken up over a 12-inch ham sub. FML

By Richie - United States

63091

4634

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

By this is impossible - United States - Norristown

25307

2398

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

By marisacb - United States

32211

7690

Today, I found out that my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I have in our last year of marriage. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

66879

6353

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Applecross

26538

9835

Today, after a broken smoke detector in my home caused the fire department to come, I got an angry visit from my neighbor who was upset because she had parked in front of a fire hydrant and got a ticket. She demands that I pay it, "or else." FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

33613

2434