Disrespectful Puppy

Today, although I can't dance, I decided to go to a club. A really cute girl asked me to dance, and I politely declined. She kept insisting, so I finally said okay. A few minutes in, she stopped, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make fun of my dancing, I'm leaving." FML

The opposite of a good idea

Yappy neighborhood

Assumptions

By IcantDance! - 1/10/2012 16:05 - United States - Daphne

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2683

Today, I dyed my naturally-blonde hair dark brown. Upon seeing me, my boyfriend immediately wanted to have sex, because I now remind him of his favourite porn star. FML

By brunetteshavemorefun - 22/12/2012 17:56 - United Kingdom - Burnley

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Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 19:32 - United States

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Today, my parents gave me a shirt from Banana Republic for my birthday. It looked like one I had bought for myself a couple of days earlier but I thanked them and went to hang it in my closet. An empty hanger hung where I placed the shirt I had purchased. They gave me my shirt for my birthday. FML

By Rich - 25/2/2009 02:20 - United States

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5535

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

By freakfreak12345 - 19/7/2011 16:41 - United States

10612

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Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead mouse. I have no idea where he got it. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2019 09:00 - United States - Tulsa

1397

145

Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML

By intheairtonight - 25/4/2012 06:22 - United States - Minneapolis

28480

3105

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

By Anonymous - 6/6/2016 04:57 - United States - Frisco

12412

3139

Today, the company I work for decided to "go green" and stopped using the air conditioner to cool down the office. It is currently 81 degrees at my desk. FML

By Dave - 7/4/2011 19:55 - United States

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Today, while I was out shopping, a fairly hideous-looking woman stormed up to me and accused me of ogling her, saying, "As if I'd ever date you!" Less than a minute later, she'd somehow managed to bully me into falsely admitting to it and apologizing. FML

By walmart: first time, last time - 12/5/2013 16:37 - United States

41078

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Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

By Username - 3/1/2011 11:40

54669

10631

Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2013 15:55 - United States

58770

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Today, a woman came up to me and sheepishly asked if my son is single. He's not my son, he's my boyfriend. FML

By iliana74 - 20/4/2016 16:07 - United States - Hamilton

22795

2215

Today, at the movies on a date, I drank all my soda and waited too long. I couldn't take it anymore and quickly got up, knocking my dates popcorn on the floor, and ran to the bathroom. I didn’t make it and went home in shame. It’s better he thinks I stood him up. FML

By pissypants - 25/11/2017 19:00

Maybe he's into that...

2050

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Today, all of my roommates handed in their vacating notice unexpectedly. They are all moving to a new house together in two weeks, leaving me to be either homeless or forced to pay 4 times what I was paying in rent. FML

By sparkyjaf - 14/5/2015 12:41 - Australia - West Pymble

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4090

Today, I set 3 alarms so I wouldn't miss an early morning event I was volunteering at. After I slept through the first one, my roommate turned the other two off without waking me up because they were annoying. I missed the event. FML

By regrettably well rested - 14/5/2017 16:00 - United States - Clearfield

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1860

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

By katie_sadface - 15/10/2012 02:19 - Canada

30151

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Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML

By DHarman - 25/5/2010 23:06 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was training at work on proper techniques of physical restraint. As my coworker was practicing on me, I realized this was the first time I've had physical contact with a man in years. I'm ashamed to admit how good it felt to feel his weight pressed into my back as I pretended to resist. FML

By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 05:04 - United States - Salt Lake City

43696

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Today, I introduced myself as a sex addict, as a joke, to break the ice while meeting new people. One of my friends took me seriously and said he was a porn addict. He told me how happy he was that he had found someone else who had the same feelings and was so happy he could confide in me. FML

By imabadperson - 6/3/2010 12:24 - United States

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43900

Today, I finally did the splits for the first time in my life! Unfortunately, it happened when I stepped in wet dog poop on my kitchen floor. One foot slipped forward in it, and I fell right on top of it. FML

By Andrea Trevor - 7/8/2018 15:00

Still counts!

2400

214

Today, I was going on holiday. As I was checking in my bags, I said to the really cute steward, "I think I'm overweight." He told me about discounts for customers of 'larger proportions.' I was talking about my suitcase being overweight. FML

By blahbags - 6/4/2009 13:39 - United Kingdom

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Today, I walked into the kitchen and saw a note my roomate posted. As I got close to read it I was attacked by a very pissed off cat. The note said "Left window open last night, stray cat got in. Watch out he isn't friendly." FML

By Catscratch - 1/9/2009 18:51 - United States

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Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML

By wow - 23/6/2011 08:53 - France

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Today, I was walking around school alone and felt someone tap my back. I laughed and turned around to find no one was there. I felt confused when I felt the tapping again, which is when I chose to yell at the nearest person, "What?!" I later found out it was a bottle in my backpack tapping me. FML

By ohmygod582 - 14/4/2014 01:32 - United States - Gilbert

36700

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Today, I'm at the unique point in my schooling that I'm either extremely overqualified or extremely underqualified for every job opportunity that appeals to me. FML

By Anonymous - 27/1/2015 00:19 - United States - Huntsville

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Today, I noticed that my clothes had shrunk. My mother seemed to be having trouble with the new washer and dryer so I tried to show her exactly how they work. After my explanation she said "I know how they work. I shrank your clothes to give you some incentive to lose all that belly you got." FML

By thelandofoz - 14/10/2009 14:36 - United States

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Today, my dad came home and said that he was so inspired by hip hop dancers on TV that he decided to take a hip hop dance class. He signed up for the class that my girlfriend teaches. FML

By Username - 21/7/2011 11:14 - United States

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Today, I was helping tidy up after my girlfriend's flat warming. I went to put a sharp kitchen knife in the sink while she was washing dishes, and stabbed her in the finger instead. FML

By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 02:00 - United Kingdom

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Today, I've been sick with both a chest cold and a sore throat. As a result, I've also been dehydrated, causing me to have a headache. Whenever I cough, I feel like my throat is being ripped apart and my head is about to explode. FML

By Zak - 23/3/2012 23:10 - United States

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Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML

By El Jeffe - 5/7/2016 17:54 - United States - Salt Lake City

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Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

By SplashOuch - 5/1/2010 17:58 - United States

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Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after a couple of sick days. I can't do anything without constantly sucking on cough drops. And it turns out that excessive consumption of cough drops can have a laxative effect. FML

By Anonymous - 15/4/2016 17:06 - United States

18655

1987

Today, I fell asleep in the school bus on the way back home when my loud fart woke me and a few other kids up. I am a teacher. FML

By "AdorableDoxie" - 17/12/2018 22:00

That could've happened to me

2285

329

Today, while battling a severe flu, I was forced to come to work by my manager. Upon arrival, I discovered that a colleague he likes who should be covering for me is out today. The reason? Her shoes hurt. FML

By now sharing the blessing - 21/11/2018 23:00 - United States - New York

3009

146

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

By worst day of my life - 6/7/2019 20:04

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Today, I was texting a guy that one of my friends told me about. She gave me his number and told me about how he was deaf. Three hours into great conversation I forgot and asked him what his favorite music was. FML

By Scumbagmemory - 22/1/2012 04:17 - United States

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Today, I realized that I'm a horrible uncle, I have two nephews and I don't know their age nor birthday. They are twins. FML

By - 19/2/2020 01:00

Don't care

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Today, I'm having a nice evening out on the town. After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. It was an inflatable... erm... 'friend.' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. And several members of my family. FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2010 08:30 - United States

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Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML

By kindgartin - 23/4/2011 09:26 - Canada

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