Disrespectful Puppy

Today, after being fed up with my sarcastic, mouthy daughter, I decided to remove her TV from her room. I dropped it on my foot and broke two toes. She promptly said, "that's what you get." FML

Serious times

Great speech, thanks!

Boozehound alert

By Anya - 17/12/2016 16:09 - Japan - Fukuoka

8584

1766

Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML

By trev - 30/5/2011 16:12 - United States

38048

28885

Today, my boss explained that the company will be letting me go. She got so upset that she couldn't leave her office and I had to console her. I had to make her feel less sad for laying me off. FML

By Anonymous - 1/2/2015 10:21 - United States

31926

2674

Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML

By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 20:35 - Netherlands

33569

5534

Today, my 20-year-old sister is taking care of my cat while I am out of state. She sent a photo of him "playing in a silly way" with her kitty. I then had to very seriously explain to her that in the photo, my cat and her cat were trying to make more cats. FML

By My rapey cat (doesn't even have balls) - 21/4/2018 01:30

4052

374

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

By JLoRd - 1/2/2009 14:40 - United States

33746

4003

Today, I found out I have an STD, courtesy of my girlfriend. Funnily enough, she was clean when we first started dating. FML

By impure - 29/9/2014 16:48 - United States

48021

4499

Today, I'm in hospital because of my brother. He followed me and my boyfriend around a fair yesterday dressed as a gorilla, and whenever we showed some sort of affection towards one another, he rugby tackled me. The final tackle caused me to break my wrist. FML

By I Hate My Brother - 9/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Brotherly love

1826

170

Today, I set an alarm to wake up for a football match. I woke up after it finished. Turns out, I set my alarm to 12:15 p.m. instead of a.m. I ended up missing one of my team's best performances. FML

By Avdhut Joshi - 11/5/2019 23:30 - India - Thane

1043

1410

Today, I found my dad on a dating website looking for younger girls. My mother and father are "happily" married, well according to her Facebook profile. FML

By carl_carl_ - 25/7/2016 04:17 - United States - Grand Ledge

15778

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1438

Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 20:02

1935

204

Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML

By sharpie2792 - 15/2/2012 19:26 - United States

40952

2938

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

By Eodowoiono - 6/8/2013 16:20 - United States - Cedar Rapids

49199

4576

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

By unnamed - 26/7/2011 03:19 - United States

15476

39101

Today, I was told I have bipolar disorder. I'm 31. It took so long to diagnose because my mom always figured I was "just a super bitch half the time." FML

By crazychick - 19/8/2009 16:40 - Canada

47210

5130

Today, while working security at a welfare office, I had to listen as a claimant gushed about her upcoming Caribbean cruise. I work two jobs and haven't had a vacation since 2006. FML

By getajob - 28/9/2012 17:40 - United States - Carmel

28374

2031

Today, I was actually criticized for giving my kids scientific answers to their questions, instead of dumb downed fairytales. Gotta love the public school system, right? FML

By twilight zone - 9/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Backwards

1350

109

Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML

By hiii. - 16/3/2010 02:27 - United States

11294

40716

Today, I sent my boyfriend a sweet text message, since he recently complained that I'm rarely romantic. Instead of being happy, he decided that since it's so out of character for me, I must be cheating on him and must have only sent it out of guilt. FML

By annoyed - 11/5/2016 11:40 - Netherlands - Maastricht

12807

1386

Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML

By shadysheikh - 29/10/2014 04:55 - Canada - Calgary

35628

9055

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 15:14 - Canada - Montreal

43399

15933

Today, I was sent to the front office for having blood shot eyes and smelling like smoke. I just didn't get enough sleep and had trouble putting my contacts in, and I always smell like smoke because of my parents' excessive smoking. They didn't believe me. My parents had to come in to back me up. FML

By Phabia - 21/4/2015 00:16 - United States - Newton

33830

2262

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 23:44 - United States

46405

5852

Today, as I was about to meet my girlfriend's parents, she thought it would be funny to grab my junk and give me a hard-on right before they walked in. I couldn't hide it quickly enough. FML

By tigerbyrn - 30/5/2016 15:35 - Canada - Scarborough

18866

2028

Today, I refused to go down on my boyfriend of 9 months. He then shoved me off the couch and, half crying, yelled that I was the third girl this week to turn him down. After sobbing for a bit, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I need you to do this so I can prove my manhood." FML

By saywhat - 9/4/2013 11:05 - United States - Yakima

76091

12213

Today, I sent my girlfriend a request to confirm our relationship on Facebook. She accepted, then changed her screen name into "His Hand". FML

By MiserableMan - 10/6/2014 04:02 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

56100

12230

Today, I was at a concert and a man came up behind and started to grind me. I pushed him away. He came back and pissed on my leg. FML

By Laura - 20/3/2012 22:27 - United Kingdom - Girvan

33706

3673

Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML

By tiffylueg - 21/6/2016 13:38

12132

1457

Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML

By sarah - 14/7/2010 04:32 - United States

39259

10127

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

By RoommateWanted - 10/9/2013 21:02 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

51800

3347

Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2009 05:30 - United States

11740

66785

Today, I went to the cemetery to visit a friend. As I was looking for his burial plot, I fell into a dug out grave and had to call my partner to come help me get out. FML

By onwardsandupwards - 21/1/2020 14:00

Need help

1894

427

Today, I found a letter in the postbox at my new flat which ran something along these lines of: "Hi. We're the gas company. You owe us £1,229.79 and have 7 days to pay us. Lotsa love, dated 7th September." FML

By Anonymous - 4/10/2009 13:40 - United Kingdom

33708

3887

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

By halloweed - 16/11/2011 05:27 - United States

42221

7570

Today, the lack of heating in my room has gotten to the point where I have to cuddle my clothes for the next day at night so they're not freezing when I wake up. FML

By madeline9322 - 20/12/2016 03:15 - Canada

8451

767

Today, I logged on to Facebook and had 64 notifications. I thought that perhaps I was popular. But no, it was my ten year old sister, liking 64 of my pictures. FML

By GshDrnt - 21/4/2011 02:57 - United States

34066

6571

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

By Sapphirlinda - 3/7/2010 23:25 - Netherlands

39696

3253

Today, on my way to work, I realized that I took my Viagra instead of my blood pressure medication. FML

By Bones - 24/10/2017 22:00

3270

1269

Today, my boss called me and asked why I haven't been showing up to work. I didn't show up because he fired me last week over the phone. Then he fired me again for not showing up to work. FML

By faeliality - 18/4/2016 08:39 - United States

22632

1342

Today, for the third time, my boyfriend called his dog by my name. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2019 00:04

1460

181