Construction Fail

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

Dementia or hate? You decide

Wake up bark

Itchy and Scratchy

By david - United States

14134

111188

Today, I had an outdoor meeting with some important clients. It wasn't until the meeting was over that my coworker decided to inform me that I had bird poop in my hair "pretty much the entire time." FML

By lily_marleen - Germany - Emskirchen

27902

2115

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Clinton

25983

4750

Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML

By Roll Tide of Tears - United States

24749

5646

Today, I returned to my university residence following spring break. I was greeted by a letter stating I'd been caught on camera vandalising a wall repair. At the time in question, I was asleep on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The REZ coordinator is avoiding me, and I can't clear my name. FML

By CutePenguin - Canada

28640

2045

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and after a while, she moved her hand down to my crotch. She felt my erection, then got up and yelled at me, calling me a horny pig for "assuming we were going to have sex." FML

By sn-511 - Italy - Naples

68751

5959

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

By So little trust. - Canada - Coaldale

52362

7621

Today, my house caught fire and almost burned down. My neighbour, who has always hated me, came up, patted me on the back, and said, "That sucks for you." FML

By floppy - Australia

1650

110

Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "mom" while at work. FML

By Anonymous - Brazil - Jacare

39970

2853

Today, a girl came up to me on the street and said, "You have like no swag, bro." Feeling clever, I said, "At least I have a high school education." She then took out her work ID, showing me that she was a surgeon, flipped me off, then walked away saying, "This is totally going on Facebook." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Mansfield

34832

30040

Today, at the restaurant where I work, a guest choked on a bone from her crosscut ribs. She asked me to bring the manager over, so I did. When he got there, she complained that the bone could have seriously injured her, and we should be more careful of where we put the bones in the ribs. FML

By Diachronic - United States - Lewiston

44172

3066

Today, while driving home, I realized I forgot my house key. Luckily, when I arrived home, someone had already broken into my house. Guess I didn't need the key. FML

By yuuupyup - United States - Somerset

26355

2032

Today, I discovered my dog pooped in my bed, under the covers, by rolling over onto it. FML

By WellThatSucks - United States

13115

1359

Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML

By Jbheller - United States - Mountain Top

33287

3107

Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML

By sugarbeet - United States

Sounds nice

32080

3919

Today, I invited a girl I really like to spend the afternoon at my place. Everything went great... with my sister. They became really good friends, and me, well, I tried to alleviate my boredom in front of my computer. FML

By [SiMON] - France

24014

2815

Today, I left my car in a disreputable area. After picking it up later on, I heard a strange "clonking" sound. The clonking suddenly stopped when my wheel fell off; someone had stolen my wheel nuts. FML

By 3-wheeler - United Kingdom

25305

4418

Today, I discovered my parents have spent my college fund because "2012 will happen" before I graduate. FML

By skyhigh - United States

48648

3300

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, "You're blocking the TV." FML

By unwantedlove - France

41014

6882

Today, I went out clubbing and hit the dance floor, hoping to impress some girls with my moves. All I got was a bunch of weird looks and was told by one girl that I'm the "whitest black guy" she's ever seen. FML

By I Tried - United States - Burton

20365

3613

Today, at my job in the cosmetics department, I was helping a customer find something to her taste. She said, "I want a lipstick like you. Something that says, 'I'm a bitch'." FML

By Mayabie - France

35119

6376

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says "Wow, this is just too funny". FML

By Anonymous - United States

32729

6238

Today, I received my 12th rejection letter for voluntary work, as I don't have enough experience to be paid. I can't even work for free. FML

By Anonymous

1814

121

Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML

By Chatons - Switzerland

49168

7887

Today, I confronted my wife because I thought the many hours a day she spends at a local coffee shop were so she could smoke. Turns out she's cheating on me. FML

By SouthPaw - United States - Baton Rouge

37899

3050

Today, I finally bought a car, after saving up for a year. My dealer had told me it was a good buy, so I snapped it up then and there. On the way home, the rear axle practically fell out of the car due to frame rot. My dealer wants to buy the car back at half the price. FML

By exalia - United Kingdom - London

13029

30176

Today, it's "family fun night." We're pulling weeds. FML

By Suzie Leone - United States

27414

2694

Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My dog had chewed a hole in the middle of my shorts, and I was standing on a balcony that's located on the busiest street in town. FML

By ThatsNotRight - United States

8861

30938

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

By 918boyz - United States

37728

2599

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

By Nightbird827

21902

8353

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

By aragmir - Sweden - Stockholm

5647

2811

Today, an elderly woman couldn't afford all of her groceries at the checkout so she started to take out a few things. I offered to pay for her groceries; she thanked me and walked out. An onlooker then came up to me and told me that she does it to someone every week. FML

By $$$ - Australia - Chatswood

61765

6208

Today, I had to listen from the next room as my dad cheated on his girlfriend with his married boss. He's 57, looks like a troll, and doesn't smell much better than one either. Meanwhile I'm 24 and couldn't get laid, much less get a date, if my life depended on it. FML

By emancipate my ass

16614

1548

Today, my boyfriend called me to break up with me. Immediately after we hung up, I started crying hysterically. I thought I dialed my best friend, and as soon as the line picked up, I yelled, "That motherfucker broke up with me!" My now ex-boyfriend replied, "Yeah, I know I did." FML

By Anonymous - United States

49690

20466

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

By Anonymous - United States

27197

13780

Today, my mother had just got home and we were both in the kitchen. She then starts to get out food and I smelled deviled eggs. Delighted, I asked, "Do I smell deviled eggs?" She turned around laughing and announced she'd farted. I effectively got hungry from my mother’s fart. FML

By Bottomless_Pit_for_the_NOMS - 23/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Miami

That homely smell

1135

266

Today, I let my new cat sleep in bed with me. It was cute until she wiped a tapeworm onto my arm. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

15053

2265

Today, my period started again. I just finished a 17-day period 3 days ago. FML

By period pains - United Kingdom - Nottingham

32743

2115

Today, my mother and I got complimented on how we look alike. She's a German blonde and I was adopted from Vietnam. FML

By Akwa - 18/11/2020 14:02 - United Kingdom

You're just saying that…

831

Today, I found out how acidic some of the chemicals I work with are. After a chemical shower, minor burns, and having to throw away my clothes due to a biohazard, I had the pleasure of running across the parking lot to my car, wearing only a lab coat around my waist. FML

By Anonymous - United States

18349

2304