Construction Fail

Today, I was walking through my town when a man on a bicycle rolled up to me and said, "I don't mean this offensively but you're really well-built." I don't know whether he was commenting on my height or comparing me to a shed, but my mother won't stop laughing. FML

Understandable

Late term

Trust

By apparently-a-shed - United Kingdom - Worcester

28361

3247

Today, the abandoned cat that I took in for the night and during bad weather seems to have spread fleas around my house. They're everywhere. FML

By jesspie - United Kingdom

19216

38153

Today, I decided to use the disabled toilet in work to get a little extra privacy while I did my business. The cleaners who unlocked the door from the outside and barged in on me were nice and waited until I finished to apologize and explain there were complaints the door had been locked for days. FML

By ToiletProblems - United States - Northbrook

2017

439

Today, I am staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML

By epistaxis - Australia

43256

2624

Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

By What the fuck, son? - Netherlands - Amerongen

46333

7804

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

By Anonymous

Stoner Logic

3152

11112

Today, my boyfriend of three years decided it was finally time to have sex. After we did, he told me that he was sleeping with another girl. He wanted to have sex with me to see who was better. FML

By Laura - United States

48534

6188

Today, I came downstairs to find that our dog's six puppies, who have their own puppy-door to go outside whenever they want, had peed and pooped all over the floor, walked through the pee, and were now happily chewing on a half-rotten deer's head which they had dragged inside. FML

By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 02:03

Bambi 2: Electric Boogaloo

810

261

Today, I spent an hour writing 80 thank you cards to everyone who attended my graduationg party. After carefully personalizing each one and sealing them shut, I realized I did not mark the envelopes with names. FML

By Anonymous - United States

18516

47275

Today, my mother asked my live-in girlfriend if she's had any problems with me peeing the bed. I haven't wet the bed since I was seven and I'd hoped to take that secret to my grave. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30417

2989

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

42515

10654

Today, I had my first driving lesson. I learned how to be stopped by a cop, who told me what a horrible driver I was. FML

By unhappy - United States - San Anselmo

23923

3934

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

By whitefox123 - United States

17486

45387

Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put on my cheek. When warm water and soap didn't work, I tried something else. Just so you know, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers do not, in fact, work by magic. Tell that to the massive chemical burn covering half my face. FML

By morningeyes - United States

18069

94880

Today, at 3am, my boyfriend's phone notifications kept going off. I attempted to wake him up, but he didn't budge. When I went to silence it, I saw his Ashley Madison notification, followed by Tinder, Zoosk, and Plenty of Fish. We've been monogamous over a year... or so I thought. FML

4073

285

Today, I had to explain to my boss that I was late to work because somehow my hand slipped when I was brushing my teeth, and I hit myself in the eye with the brush. I had to remove my contacts, wash my eye, and find my glasses. He didn't believe me, but at least my eye is minty fresh. FML

By sarika - United States - Appleton

24884

2348

Today, I came home from work to see a pair of panties I hadn't worn lying on the floor. I picked them up and they were all crunchy. It turns out that while I'm away, my boyfriend uses my underwear as a vessel for his semen. He claims this is normal. FML

By grossedoutgirlfriend

Not so normal, no

2141

303

Today, while I was showering, my brother thought it would be funny to burst through the door pretending he was a burglar. Panicked, I went to grab the soap bar as a weapon, slipped, fell and hit my head on the faucet. FML

By MAWZ - United States

34530

5129

Today, I made the mistake of sneezing in front of a hyper religious customer, who for ten minutes blamed the incident of shifting weather patterns that signaled the return of Jesus, who was as she explained, upset about the abortion rates in America and President Obama. FML

By Anonymous - United States

73805

5264

Today, I offered to pay my boyfriend to buy me flowers. He still refused. FML

By flowerging - United States - Stony Brook

44396

16216

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

By Muffinhater - United States

28245

2420

Today, I told my family I'm going shopping with my friend "Emma". My sister's been teasing me about this saying, "Emma can't exist! She's not real! You don't have any friends." She's right. FML

By 19kwhatever - United States - Mount Vernon

47731

14414

Today, I got my period and went clubbing. I had to change my tampon and stupidly I only brought one, when I unwrapped it, it fell on the floor, I had to wait in the girl's bathroom for 45 minutes for a random girl to give me a spare. FML.

By Anonymous

My stupidity

1716

719

Today, while cooking, I managed to burn my finger. I quickly turned the tap on and ran my finger under cold water, but apparently someone had just used the hot tap, because boiling water flooded out onto my nicely scalded finger. FML

By burnt - Australia - Middle Swan

25036

3328

Today, it was my 16th birthday. My surprise was a new car, that is now in the side of the garage because my mom lost control while driving it around front. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Paducah

27916

4265

Today, I did a photoshoot with my boyfriend and his buddy. We drove out to the countryside and set up on top of a hill. My boyfriend kept having me move further and further back. I eventually fell and rolled down the steep hill, while he and his buddy high-fived each other. FML

By -_- - United Kingdom - Birmingham

52664

7531

Today, I was on the bus, when an elderly woman stepped in. She looked too weak to stand. She looked at me with her sad puppy eyes, expecting me to give up my seat for her. I felt sorry and got up. As soon as she sat down, she says, "Ha! Sucker!" She didn't look so cute anymore. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

49125

7424

Today, my step-mom tried to ground me. I met her just yesterday, when she moved in. FML

By invasive species

12601

728

Today, my cat decided that the best place for her to pee was over the surge protector where my modem, router, and printer are plugged in. FML

By Anonymous

No internet, just cuddles

1431

191

Today, I was supposed to see my boyfriend for his birthday. He said his parents were coming down and it may not be a good time for us to really enjoy each other. Last night I saw a picture of him feeding popcorn to baby llamas with his drunk stoner friends. FML

By Anonymous - 18/2/2020 14:00

Bad liar

1607

228

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

By eeh - United States

30577

103229

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

By Yeoman - New Zealand

37134

7070

Today, my bus got held up in traffic, so I arrived home about 15 minutes late. My mum bitched me out, accused me of sleeping around, and grounded me. All this while my brother raged at his video game in the other room, screaming stuff such as "EAT SHIT, YOU CUNTS!" with total impunity. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

37311

2643

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML

By Marjorie - Canada - Toronto

31107

3406

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Redding

13196

1582

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bend

8252

739

Today, the guy I'm seeing and I were having sex. While I was having my orgasm, he looked at me and said "SHHHH!". FML

By evelynn - France

39915

8132

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the bed, when he started to tickle me. I tried to pull away but he pushed me back down. I ended up hitting my eye on the corner of the nightstand. His comment was "this is why you shouldn't struggle." FML

By taiannalynn5

32882

7729

Today, my boyfriend and I compared our No Shave November body hair. This is how I found out that my legs are hairier than his. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Mexico

31183

7937

Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

29915

3429