Construction Fail

Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to my friends about how I thought this girl was totally into me. As we were leaving, we saw the same girl making out with my ex. FML

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Great speech, thanks!

A beautiful truck decoration

By dlova - 27/1/2009 06:33 - United States

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Today, my mother bitched me out for filing divorce papers against my abusive husband. According to her, it's a "slap in God's face". She's the one who's divorced two husbands so far because they weren't getting job promotions fast enough to support her hoarding habit. FML

By Anonymous - 24/8/2013 20:37 - United States - North Bend

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Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

By littlegirl - 7/5/2011 04:46 - Canada

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after my check cleared for my half of the $1000 deposit on our new apartment. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 06:26 - United States

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Today, I'm on holiday in Vietnam, and was wearing a new shirt. In a restaurant, the waitress pointed at my shirt and said something I couldn't understand, so I just smiled and nodded my head. She then gave me a weird look and walked away. Turns out there was a huge spider on it. FML

By Anonymous - 6/10/2010 08:40 - Vietnam

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Today, I was driving with my mom. She had some soda with her from earlier, and even though it was probably warm, I was thirsty. I ask for a sip, she hands it to me and says sure. And I get a mouthful of ash-and-cigarette-butt-filled soda. Apparently she didn't feel the need to mention this to me. FML

By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 16:28 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I decided to stop by a drive-thru on the way to his place. I asked him to order a Coke for me, at which point he asked if I wanted to make it a Diet Coke. FML

By goldendarkness - 9/7/2016 01:34

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Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

By Pierced - 30/5/2017 18:00

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Today, I had to do my assistant manager's job because she doesn't know what the hell she is doing. I'd interviewed for this position but didn't get it because I'm "still too new for this position." FML

By cnd1213 - 30/12/2016 18:02 - United States

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Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

By SHIT-BREATH - 5/6/2013 16:03 - United Kingdom - Chepstow

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Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2013 00:48 - United Kingdom

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Today, my car was rear-ended and totaled. Last year, during the same month, my previous car was rear-ended and totaled. I should just stop driving during the month of February. FML

By cars hate me - 26/2/2017 11:00 - United States - Compton

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Today, I asked out this girl at work who I've had a crush on for a while. She looked oddly familiar, aside from the fact that we worked together. It was almost like we'd met outside of work. Two hours and one Snapchat story later, I realized I'd asked out my best friend's girlfriend. FML

By okaythen - 14/8/2016 19:21 - United States - Euless

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Today, I dislocated my shoulder. How? I went to a party with some friends and they each bet me $20 I couldn't lick my elbow. I guess I proved them wrong. FML

By one_BAMF - 25/7/2010 05:06 - Canada

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Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his boss so he could get a promotion and "provide" for us. This from the guy who made me quit my job because he said he made enough money to support us both. FML

By dtack2tack - 9/7/2015 13:42 - United States

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Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML

By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 18:54 - United Kingdom

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Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

By realitybites - 8/7/2013 17:03 - United States - Brooklyn

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Today, it's my 21st birthday. The only person who drank with me was my elementary school principal, who I happened to run into at a bar where we were the only two people there. FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 14:00

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Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I have no sex drive, but faked it to avoid hurting his feelings. It was after he confessed he is not attracted to women, but forced himself to have sex with me because he didn't want to admit he is gay. FML

By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 10:36 - Ukraine - Poltava

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Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room. It turns out he thought my house was abandoned due to its disheveled appearance, and decided to break in. FML

By pauper - 9/2/2012 01:20

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Today, at work as a cashier, I had a male customer come up to me and ask me what hours I worked today, like he has done for several weeks now. Immediately after, my manager calls my lane to tell me to watch out for that guy. He has been stalking a co-worker of mine. Apparently, I'm next. FML

By be_nj - 29/5/2009 03:51 - United States

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Today, while out at dinner with my boyfriend, I accidentally ripped out my tampon picking a wedgie. FML

By brooke - 13/8/2012 04:45 - United States

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Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML

By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 06:39 - Canada - Victoria

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Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 05:44 - United States

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Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Right before the date, I noticed a monstrous pimple in the middle of my forehead. I covered it with make-up, but it was still visible. The guy spent the whole evening laughing at me and telling me that I look like an unicorn. FML

By NocturnalFox - 25/8/2015 19:46 - Czech Republic - Plzen

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Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't evil by reminding him that he's Canadian. FML

By Anonymous - 17/9/2013 14:21 - United States

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Today, while having hot passionate sex with my boyfriend, while I was moaning his name, he was coming to release and yelled out, "NO, THIS IS PATRICK!" His name isn't Patrick. FML

By Anonymous - 25/7/2020 08:01

Who am I?

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408

Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML

By AmberHavoc - 2/1/2013 15:01 - United Kingdom

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Today, my friend dragged me out of a movie because they swore a bit and there was drug use. Apparently, she's a Mormon now, and, "doesn't want her values compromised." This from the same girl who tried to get me to try crack a few weeks ago. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 05:01

Judge not

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Today, my father seems to be having an affair. A used condom was carelessly left on his nightstand and my mother found it. She refuses to believe that my boyfriend and I are not responsible. As punishment I am "no longer allowed to see him." We're both 22 and live together in our own apartment. FML

By innocent - 6/1/2015 03:11 - United States

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Today, I found myself crying in the bathroom because I started to feel lonely and depressed. My mother came into the bathroom, hearing me cry and gave me an hour long speech about what a beautiful human being I am... And to not forget to lose weight. FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 17:32 - United States

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Today, rather than buying one pork chop big enough for myself, I bought two smaller chops just so the cashier wouldn't think I was eating by myself. FML

By LonelyPorkChop - 18/12/2013 09:30 - Australia

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Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

By agh marriage - 11/10/2012 05:56 - Australia - Albany Creek

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Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

By WhereforeArtThouJustice - 10/12/2014 21:49 - Portugal

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Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML

By Sam - 3/2/2012 04:00 - Canada

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Today, after much deliberation, I decided to accept my parents' invitation to a family dinner. A half hour after I arrived, all hell broke loose, because my mom's pregnancy test had come back positive, and she was convinced my dad had poked holes in his own condom. FML

By Anonymous - 14/8/2012 15:42 - United States

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Today, a cop pulled me over and started bitching me out. He was certain I'd been drinking, because, "Nobody goes to Albertacos this late at night unless they're drunk." FML

By tbalboa - 1/7/2011 17:27 - United States

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Today, I led a class of grade-two pupils on an excursion to the zoo. When we went to see the lions I was put in a position where I had to explain to seven and eight year olds why one lion was "bouncing" on top of the other one. FML

By teacher - 25/1/2013 05:25 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML

By Anonymous - 7/1/2013 20:01 - United States - Danbury

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Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

By gtrs750 - 9/8/2009 13:48 - Canada

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