Nearly FMLs

By Anonymous - 30/12/2019 23:02

Today, I woke up by my flat mate who literally pulled me up out of bed saying there was a fire and we had to leave. As we went outside, she kneed name me in the balls and went back inside, locking the door behind her. I wasn't fully dressed I was only in boxers. It was my birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63

You deserved it 8

By "Charlie Sanderson" - 30/12/2019 02:37

today I was having sex with a girl I'm dating, we were going at it for a while and as she reached orgasm, she farted on my balls ...Fml

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 56

By Anonymous - 30/12/2019 12:03 - Australia - South Morang

Today, My partner was having some banter with a mutual friend. I jokingly said "get a room you two" so he cheated on me with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105

You deserved it 28

By Bogrbon - 29/12/2019 22:26

Today if I didn’t have enough reason to be scared of him, I found out my father-in-law has a side gig a true-blue afro-Brazilian witch doctor. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 8

By Anonymous - 29/12/2019 18:25 - United Kingdom

Today I went shopping for school shoes for my daughter and woke up down an alley with a splitting hangover, no trousers and both my credit cards burned out to the max. I don’t even drink, what the hell happened FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 12

By Anonymous - 29/12/2019 11:23

Today, me, my husband and our four-year-old son came back from spending Christmas at the in-laws to find that my son's pet rabbit had died from a seizure whilst we were away. However, according to my housesitting brother, he tasted delicious. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 97

You deserved it 6

By Anonymous - 29/12/2019 02:11 - United States - Bartlesville

Today I found out I’m pregnant. I’ve only been with my boyfriend for 3 months... he’s only been divorced for 1 year. His ex wife and I both work at the same church. This will be interesting. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 70

By Anonymous - 29/12/2019 04:58

Today I went to a do-it-yourself car wash. You know the kind you spray yourself with supplied hose. It was just after Sunset. So I didn’t have much light. When I sprayed off the other side of my car I found the window was all the way down. I got a lot of water sprayed inside my car.

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 83

By Anonymous - 29/12/2019 04:25

This morning after have the most amazing sex with my boyfriend and finally feeling like nothing could ever get between us......I find him 15 later pertrified look on his face, boxes looking wet. I find the house mate he cheated on me with half naked with his shirt stuffed down the side of the couch.

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 22

By Perry85 - 27/12/2019 23:53 - United States - Wisconsin Rapids

Today, I was sexting my girlfriend and texting my boss. At one point I sent a particularly raunchy sext. Unfortunately it wasn't to my girlfriend. It was to my boss, my MARRIED boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 28/12/2019 04:07

Today I told my girlfriend I cheated on her. She said it’s ok if I did one thing. That one thing? Having a gay orgy. I’m not gay but she was laughing like crazy FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 128

By "April Massari" - 28/12/2019 03:13

Today, my best friend of 20 years and I decided to have sex. He got it up no problem at first, but when it was time to actually do it, he got limp and couldn't get it back up. We then spent an hour and a half awkwardly making jokes while naked to ease the tension.FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 15

By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 16:37

Today, while on a packed bus, unable to get a seat, I stood behind two smaller girls with hockey sticks. I realised it was a bad idea when they started messing around and swinging their sticks. They noticed I was on the floor on my knees, I was hit in the balls several times with their sticks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76

You deserved it 19

By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 01:58

Happy day after Christmas for me, had to spend the morning cleaning vomit out of the back seat of my car from my child.

I agree, your life sucks 60

You deserved it 15

By "Sarah A Rogers" - 26/12/2019 19:04

This morning I asked one of my daughters to grab me some underwear since i was naked in my bed. She reached in the very back of the drawer under all my "normal" underwear and brought me the crotchless panties. She disturbs me sometimes.

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 48

By "Bradley Kendrick" - 26/12/2019 16:34

Today, I open the FML app and I was approached with another silly post, kind of like this one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 50

By Jay666 - 25/12/2019 21:14 - Australia

Today, Christmas day I was engaged, then came Christmas night my partner which is a male had his phone open I saw gay porn and gay porn chats on his phone. We where together a year and I find out Christmas night that he is gay. So now single.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 10

By wep - 26/12/2019 01:47

Today is suppose to be a great Christmas. But during the gift opening everyone thought it would be funny to throw wrapping paper at me. After the second time getting hit in the open eye I yelled “stop fucking throwing things at me” and the whole family yelled at me for swearing. We are all over 16.

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 27

By mia - 24/12/2019 03:57

Today, I tried to ask my mother a question and she shoved a spoonful of whipped cream in my mouth. I immediately started gagging and she yelled at me for being “crazy.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 84

You deserved it 7

By Anonymous - 23/12/2019 11:34

I learned my dogs shit all over my bed. I now have to sleep in a reclining chair in the living room...

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 22

By abc - 22/12/2019 05:16

Today, it’s below freezing outside, and everyone is in coats and scarves. Meanwhile, I am wearing a tank top and shorts while sweating like a pig. Just like every winter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 16

By single again - 22/12/2019 05:10

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house for the first time and pooped. Did I mention it was her first time over? FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 142

By Anonymous - 21/12/2019 17:31 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today I was feeling constipated so I drank a fiber supplement. House later I took a huge dump and panicked as it looked like I had dumped out my intestinal lining. Then I noticed that I had dropped some brown paper napkins in the toilet before sitting down. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 53

By Anonymous - 21/12/2019 19:35

I just spent the last hour holding hands with a hot guy. Too bad he’s my manicurist.

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 6

By "tiny.mushroom.elf95" - 21/12/2019 13:47

Today, a former teacher I've had a crush on for years contacted me and confessed he'd always liked me and wanted to have sex with me. I became exclusive in my relationship 2 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 27

By LilMamaRedd - 20/12/2019 19:25

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5yrs is my 4th cousin by marriage.. we were about to get engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 14

By phatvanballs - 20/12/2019 11:11 - Germany

Today in class, the teacher called my name. The whole class was quiet. He stared at me, seconds passed. Then he farted and said: „That's how I judge your performance."

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 14

By Phat van Balls - 20/12/2019 10:59 - Germany

Yesterday I had a date with a woman and went to her home. We ate pizza with massive jalapenos. We started kissing when it suddenly boomed in my pants. Liquid jalapeno lava has spread in my underpants. We didn't have sex anymore.

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 68

By "kerrealen" - 19/12/2019 20:40

today I was getting dressing for the beach and my younger brother saw and said can I touch

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 13

By Victoriaa Nuno - 18/12/2019 21:47

Today i found out I’m 3 weeks pregnant and told my boyfriend. He then proceeded to tell me he can’t have kids and kicked me out. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 97

You deserved it 57

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The Top

Today, it's my wife's birthday. She also sleepwalks, sleep eats and sleep drinks. This morning, her subconscious remembered it was her birthday and wanted to celebrate in style. I found my $200 bottle of Johnny Walker Blue was missing 3". She doesn't remember drinking it. I'm so glad she enjoyed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 756

You deserved it 277

Today, a coyote turned up in the yard where my son and his friend were playing. It was aggressive and foaming at the mouth, so I called the boys inside, and shot it. Now my wife is scared of me and half the neighborhood wants me gone for "dangerous behavior." FML

I agree, your life sucks 697

You deserved it 149

Today, I threw a punch at my sensei like he told me to, except he failed to block it like he assured me he would. Now I'm banned from his classes and I'm pretty sure he's going to get the police involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 142

You deserved it 1 835

Today, I was fired for the second time in as many days. I received a letter notifying me that I would no longer be working for the company, effective immediately. When I did not attend work the next day, I received a phone call firing me for not turning up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 927

You deserved it 2 678

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 783

You deserved it 54 810

Today, and ever since she got pregnant, my girlfriend has been hinting that one of her great-grandfathers was black, so there’s a chance our son may be black too. I wasn’t suspicious before, but she has mentioned it so often I’m starting to think it’s less a great grandad and more a baby daddy issue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 607

You deserved it 135