Today, I was met with a flurry of complaints after my “disgusting” speech during my child’s career day at school. I’m a labor and delivery nurse, and my use of words like “fetus, breast, cesarean, etc.” was too much for the kids. I never even mentioned sex or genitals, and they’re in the 6th grade. FML
Today, I got the biopsy results from a weird mole I had removed. It's completely harmless, and I have nothing to worry about. My first reaction was disappointment, because I'll have to keep going to work instead of starting cancer treatment. FML
Today, my spiritual faith is put to the test. Divine intervention? Spiritual challenge? No. I somehow got in the middle of a violent argument between two colleagues, who both think I'm on the opposing side. One claims she knows witchcraft, the other claims to have "unseen friends" who owe him big. FML
Today, after hard manual labor in the hot sun, I am extremely sore even at rest and my pee is the color of Coca Cola. I told my dad this and he told me to “buck the fuck up” and do more manual labor tomorrow. FML
Today, my job transfer was canceled literally as we were getting in the U-Haul. While my kids celebrate that they don't have to leave their friends and everything, my wife and I are fighting like cats and dogs over the huge mess this shit created. FML
Today, my boss hired a feng shui consultant for our small office space. I am the only full-time employee besides the owners, and I work as an unpaid intern. My company would rather pay someone to rearrange my desk than pay me to work at it. FML
Today, I was working in a deli when I cut more meat than I intended; I basically removed my fingerprint via the deli slicer. FML
Today, an attractive coworker complimented my cologne in the elevator, so naturally I tried to respond smoothly. Instead of saying, “Thanks, it’s new” I somehow combined two thoughts and blurted out, “Thanks, I’m sweating.” We rode the remaining twelve floors in intense silence. FML
Today, my boss asked if anyone knew basic Photoshop, and I volunteered because I once edited memes in high school. Two hours later I was sweating through my shirt trying to remove a reflection from a company head shot while my coworkers slowly realized I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. FML
Today, my boss watched me get my waistband hooked on a safety hazard in the warehouse. She included it in the safety report. FML
Today, after a spate of bad ones, I was in another job interview trying my hardest to give a good impression. After answering a few questions, I realized to my horror that while I was talking I was swiveling my chair from left to right like a nervous child. FML
Today, I got fired for “insubordination.” All I did was ask how my compensation would be adjusted due to my coworker quitting and having to do her job until her position is filled. I live in Florida, which is an “at will” employment state. FML
Today, several anonymous customer complaints prevented me getting employee of the month, which also means I’m not getting my raise. The complaints came from my son and his friends, who thought it was funny. My wife has early dementia and can’t work, so I needed that money, so so badly. FML
Today, while as a therapist, a client made an audible fart and pointed out that she had done so. Shortly after, she wrinkled her nose as she savored the odor. She began to discuss her significant trauma issues. Before I could respond, her fart wafted over to me, making any mature response pointless. FML
Today, I got my ass kicked by my boss at work. Why? Because I missed my shift on Saturday, because I slept through my alarms and the phone calls from my co-workers, and I woke up three hours later in a state of panic. This is all because of a medicine I'm on for migraines. FML
Today, I caught a dude acting suspicious in the self checkout at Target and took him to the Loss Prevention office. Turns out he'd paid for everything, and he turned into such a Karen at being "wrongly detained" that I ended up giving him a gift card just to get rid of him. FML
Today, at a busy register, I greeted a customer, started scanning items, and only halfway through realized they were on their phone with earbuds in and had not actually been talking to me. I got flustered, scanned the same item twice, and had to call over a manager while the line behind them got longer. FML
Today, I picked up a passenger from the airport who insisted he was late. Drove fast, dropped him off, felt efficient, then noticed his phone on the back seat. After circling trying to find him, I ended up back at the airport, where he was waiting because I’d taken him to the wrong terminal. FML
Today, I test-drove a customer’s car to investigate a strange noise. I heard the exact clunk she'd described. It was actually a wrench I’d left under the hood sliding around and hitting things. I had to return and sheepishly explain that the problem was entirely my fault. FML
Today, work was so busy that when I went to take a shit, I had to force it and wipe hurriedly. Later, when I got home and hopped in the shower, my wife saw the skid mark in my underwear and lost her shit, calling me a disgusting disgraceful pig. FML
Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer, I saw her battery was flat so I said, "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said, "Not yet." FML
Today, I learned why a guy at work hates me when he drunkenly confessed it at a work retreat. Apparently I look like a gay teenager he had a horrible awkward one-night stand with, and every time he sees me he gets mad at himself. I could have gone my whole life without knowing that. FML
Today, a customer ordered the spicy shrimp ramen bowl. The menu says spicy, I warned her it was spicy, it’s in the fucking title SPICY SHRIMP RAMEN! Despite all of this, instead of ordering something different, the stupid fucking Karen sent her order back four times because it was too hot. FML
Today, I sent a porn link to my buddy. I received no response from him for hours so I went to text him again. "Brian" and "Boss" are right next to each other in my contacts list. Tomorrow I go into work to find out if I still have a job. FML
Today, I learned I have to kiss my career goodbye, all because I decided to give a colleague road head while he was driving to a company function. I was fired and arrested for indecent exposure. Now it’s all on my record and my Master’s in Early Childhood Education can basically be used for toilet paper. FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Why? My boss didn't like that my manager and I are friends outside of work, and he thinks we are sleeping together. She's gay and I live with my boyfriend of five years. He blamed it on me wearing the wrong shoes three weeks ago. FML
Today, after years of effort, I was finally able to open my own full body beauty salon. I’ve been open approximately two hours and I’ve had six genuine customers and three shifty looking dudes trying to ask, without saying the actual words, if we’re one of those rub and tug, happy ending massage parlours. FML
Today, my elderly patient accused me of not taking good care of her, because, during my time off, she was taken to the hospital for anemia. I tested her for anemia months ago and discussed it with her, and she'd told me that she didn't want to go to the hospital. Guess who everyone believes. FML
Today, I was hired under the previous terms and conditions that fixes my managers salary at 38 grand. This means that the little scrotes hired this year will start at 32 grand, but get yearly pay rises, so they will be earning more than me in only 5 years time, and sooner if they get promoted. FML
Today, I took a car out for a test drive to investigate a mysterious clunking noise. I heard the exact sound the customer had described, and then realized a wrench had been left on top of the engine and had slipped down and got caught near the battery. I had to come back and explain that the issue had been a skill issue. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
