Today, my girlfriend and I got into a huge fight. She kicked me out of the apartment and told me to never come back. Devastated, I waited outside of the apartment door for hours hoping she'd reconsider. I ended up falling asleep. I woke up to her foot stomping on me, screaming "I meant it!" FML

by Anonymous / 10/19/2009 at 7:51pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I got pulled over for going 85mph in a 60mph zone on a highway in the Everglades. There were cars passing both the cop and me as I was being pulled over. The cop decided I was easiest to catch since I was the slowest of the bunch even though the other cars were topping 100mph. FML

by tracey / 10/19/2009 at 5:12pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

by Alyssa / 10/19/2009 at 3:37pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I drove 100 miles from my parents house to mine. I had only a few miles left when I realized I really had to pee. I didn't want to pull over somewhere when I was so close to home, so I sped up. A cop pulled me over a block from my house. I started to sob, and ended up peeing myself. FML

by anonymous / 10/19/2009 at 3:16pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, I was ordering food at McDonalds when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

by ThePidgeon / 10/19/2009 at 2:36pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a UTI. After, taking some sample medicine my doctor gave to me, I had a lot of back pain and nausea. I also spent 6 hours in the ER with no health insurance because I thought I was urinating blood. Nope, "peeing red" is just a little side effect my doctor forgot to inform me of. FML

by Anonymous / 10/19/2009 at 2:09pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, while in class, a cute boy came up and asked me for my number. I giggled and wrote my phone number on a piece of paper and told him to call me sometime. He gave me a weird look and walked away. He was asking which number math problem I needed help with. FML

by loser / 10/19/2009 at 1:43pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. Which was quickly followed by laughter. FML

by Geez / 10/19/2009 at 1:02pm / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Intimacy

Today, I told my sister that I thought I was pregnant, and that she was the only person I had called. Immediately after I hung up the phone I got a text saying, "OMG my sister thinks she's pregnant!" FML

Misc248's comment : We can laugh about it now because it turns out I wasn't pregnant. But now I know I can't trust her with information like that (unfortunately).

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Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because he has anger issues. Tonight, my tires were slashed. FML

by kierstin / 10/19/2009 at 11:54am / United States (Nevada) / Love

Today, I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face. FML

by DrunkGirl / 10/19/2009 at 11:42am / Love

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them want me. FML

by cc10 / 10/19/2009 at 7:50am / China (Beijing) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started my first day at work, I've been unemployed for a while and am in college, so naturally I have no money. At the end of my shift, I ask what we do with the extra bread, and they tell me to throw it away. Being poor and hungry, I decide to take the bread home. I got fired for stealing. FML

by Anonymous / 10/19/2009 at 4:46am / United States (Colorado) / Work

Giskard's comment : You should have just asked if you could have it.

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