Mr New Delhi, India 38 years-old
Today, I was at the gym with my friends when they invited me to do a few bench presses. Since I'd never done any before, I decided to start with no weights on the bar and work my way up from there. I wound up pinned beneath the bar, calling for my friend to come free me. FML
Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we'd ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As I put my hand into his boxers, he stood up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML
Today, I saw a letter from Geneseo that invited me to apply to the honors college. Excited, I wrote the required two page essay on how I am organized. I then saw the strict deadline was March 15th. My little brother thought it would be funny to hide my mail. For the past seven weeks. FML
Today, my daughter's school was putting on a fashion show for charity and all the kids were supposed to ask their mothers to be in it. I asked my daughter about it and she said, "Well, I was going to ask you, but they said to only 'ask all of your beautiful mommies'." FML
Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I remembered that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML
Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML
Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML
Today, I was going running. It was an especially windy day and things were flying through the wind. Apparently, bodily fluid can also fly through the wind. Turns out, a women was barfing over a bridge and the wind caught it and it flew through the air. Right into my face and body. FML
Today, while working at a restaurant, I watched someone throw their car door open and hit the side of my brand new car for the third time this week. I told the woman to be more careful. She told my manager that I was being racist. As I was being yelled at, I watched her hit my car again, smiling. FML
Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML
Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML
Today, I was driving my car like any ordinary day. My dad had been harping on me about not checking the oil, so I finally checked it. Driving down the road my hood flew up and shattered my windshield. I forgot to latch my hood after checking the oil. $300 for a new windshield. The oil was fine. FML
Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML
Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked, "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being a smart ass said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk… and me. FML
Today, while lying next to me, my boyfriend smiled and told me, "I really like your eyes. They're pretty." He paused and then finished with, "They really help your face." FML
Today, I was pulled over for not having my car inspection up to date. I had my car inspected two weeks earlier. Since I'm at college my sticker was mailed to my home. My mother didn't want to pay the 42 cent postage, so now I have to pay $250 because my mother is cheap. FML
Today, brand new cocktail dress: $300. Matching peep toe heels: $100. Getting my hair done at the salon: $80. Treating myself to a mani/pedi: $50. When finally meeting the guy I have been chatting online with for 2 months, I find out he's my cousin: priceless. FML
Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML
Today, I was babysitting a five year-old boy. Somehow the topic of relationships came up, and he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I was single, he got all excited and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It would have been cute… except he was the first guy to ever ask me out. I'm 18. FML
Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML
Today, I finally bought the toy my two year-old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I gave him the gift, and he started playing with the bag it came in. FML
Today, my friend and I were driving to Florida from Michigan. While going through Ohio my car hydroplaned over a puddle on the highway. I ended up hitting the median and my car got wrecked. Not only am I stuck in Ohio with a car that won't work, I got a ticket for $300 for hitting Ohio property. FML
Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML
Today, I saw a dime on the ground. When I bent down to pick it up, my $80 dollar pants ripped. FML
Today, I walked out to my car to see four kids taking the hubcaps, radio, and license plates off of my truck. I chased them six blocks until I tripped and twisted my ankle. I limped back to my car and found a ticket on my windshield for $55 dollars. The reason? Missing license plates. FML
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