Miss 28 years-old Single
Today, I went to a very important job interview. I was so nervous that I passed out right in front of the interviewer's desk. FML
Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML
Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML
Today, it's been about 8 months since I moved into my studio flat. It was already furnished, there was no bed but a fancy bedseat from Ikea. I slept uncomfortably on it for months until I realised it pulls out to become a double bed. FML
Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML
Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML
Today, I had to hide in the closet all morning because my 22-year-old boyfriend didn't want to admit to his parents that he had his girlfriend stay the night. FML
Today, I agreed to anal with my boyfriend, which he was happy about, until I told him in the interest of fair play he also had to let me fuck him with a strap on. It didn't take him very long to suddenly decide anal is disgusting, with all kinds of health risks. And he thinks he's the smart one. FML
Today, as my brother parked in our hotel's parking lot, I told him to be careful because the car wasn't straight. He retorted, "Yeah, just like you". My mother was in the back seat and heard everything. I hadn't come out yet. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill. My cat ate it before I could pick it up. FML
Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML
Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML
Today, my boss asked me if I needed to stand in the corner while I thought about what I did wrong. FML
Today, while working as a hostess, one of my tattoos on my leg was showing. It's not uncommon for guests to comment on tattoos as we're high end and I'm one of two staff members with visible tattoos. What is uncommon is an elderly lady hiking up my skirt for a better view. I flashed everyone. FML
Today, a friend located my stolen dog. It was sold to a family that has an autistic child. I was told by the police that I could have my dog back, but they think I am a terrible person if I do. FML
Today, I was craving some popcorn, so I went to the supermarket and bought the microwaveable type. When I got home, I remembered I didn't have a microwave. FML
Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML
Today, a student threw her hot coffee at me after I told her I was giving her an F. For months I've been telling her she needs to hand in missing work, but she thought I was bluffing. She got suspended, but my clothes are still ruined and I still got burned. FML
Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML
Today, I found out about my sister's insanely detailed plan to abduct my one-year-old son and raise him as her own on another continent. All my mom did was tell me not to worry because she can't afford to move that far away. FML
Today, my fiance said his cat is going to be my maid of honor at our wedding. FML
Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML
Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML
Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, I was backing out of his driveway when he came running out yelling "STOP!" I thought he wanted to make up so I kept going, until I'd run over his dog. FML
Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML
Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML
Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML
Today, my husband was using the microwave when we suddenly hear a huge 'POP'. The good news is we found our daughter's missing hamster. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house with his family. A kitten walked over to me with an engagement ring tied to its collar, along with a note that said "Marry Me?" I got super excited, only to find out that it was for his brother's girlfriend of 10 months, not me. We've been together 4 years. FML
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