Miss
Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML
Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML
Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML
Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML
Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML
Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML
Today, I found out that my 43 year-old wife has been having a cyber relationship with a 14 year-old kid on Halo. FML
Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML
Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML
Today, I was forced to go to the mall with my dad. He wore a bear suit the entire time. FML
Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML
Today, I went into hospital for knee surgery. When I awoke, I was surprised to find a bandage wrapped around my throbbing head. The nurse explained that a student observer had fainted in the operating room and his head had smashed against mine on the way down. FML
Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML
Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML
Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML
Today, I moved into my new house. I went over to my neighbors' house to introduce myself. As they opened the door I saw a telescope pointed at my house. FML
Today, while babysitting a five year-old, I found a cartoon called Metalocalypse for him to watch while I made dinner. I didn't realize it was an "adult" cartoon until afterwards. He watched a whole episode about a clown with a cocaine problem. FML
Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML
Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML
Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML
Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML
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