Today, I found out my fiancé is in the market for a new girlfriend. How? He used my credit card to sign up for 3 dating sites. FML
Today, I was badly sunburnt even after making it a point to apply a lot of sunscreen. My coworkers thought it amusing to slap me every chance they get. FML
Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML
Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML
Today, like every day, I walked into my office and was greeted by the smell of shit wafting through the air. My lactose intolerant, diabetic coworker won't stop eating Whataburger and milkshakes for breakfast, no matter what his body tells him. FML
Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the, "I know I'm not your mother…" speech. FML
Today, my brother handed me a sandwich that I'd asked him to make for me. Halfway through eating the sandwich, he started laughing hysterically. I still don't know what was in it. FML
Today, I tried to befriend the lonely boy who sits at the end of my table at lunch. He always sleeps or does homework during lunch. I walked over to him, tripped, and spilled my open bottle of water on his jeans. I apologized profusely and wiped off his pants with napkins. He got hard. FML
Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML
Today, at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe section was. I said, "For you or your son?" He said, "For my daughter." FML
Today, an extremely large lady came into the dry cleaners where I work. She puts what I assume is a blanket on the counter to be dry cleaned. I said, "So just the one blanket then?" She replied, "Those are my pants, not a blanket." She was a size 56. FML
Today, I was baking cookies. When I took the tray out of the oven, I closed the door, but it bounced back open and hit me in the back of the knees. That caused me to sit down on the hot oven door. I was only wearing my short bathrobe and no underwear. I really burned my ass and, um… stuff. FML
Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML
Today, I was meeting my sister's fiancé. I went to an internet cafe before I went to her house for dinner with them. I was on a computer and there was this really attractive man next to me. I was flirting with him and we exchanged numbers. Turns out, he is my sister's fiancé. FML
Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML
Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was, "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML
Today, my boyfriend and I came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good, my phone beeped. It was a text from my mom, saying, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML
Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to a Taylor Swift concert. At the concert they put up a sign that said "Scream if you love country boys." My boyfriend took one look at it and started screaming. FML
Today, I woke up early to take my dog for a walk. I wore spandex shorts. I stopped to talk to several people I know and passed a group of hot construction workers who checked me out. I just got home and realized I have the biggest cameltoe I've ever seen in my life. FML
Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML
Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident, I blurted out, "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML
Today, I went to the pool. When I hit the water the top of my swimsuit came off so I tried to put it on underwater. The lifeguard thought I was drowning and pulled me out in front of everyone. Topless. FML
Today, I was using the bathroom in a department store. When I was finished, I couldn't get the stall door open. I'm claustrophobic and I freaked out and started shouting for help. A 6 year-old boy got the door open for me. It turns out I was pushing when I should have been pulling. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I took a late night drive, and after a while he stopped at a gas station and asked if I wanted anything. I replied, "Guess." He came out and gave me a box of tampons. Apparently, I've been bitchy. FML
Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML
Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML
Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML
Today, my family took me to a wig store saying I wouldn't feel so insecure about being bald because of my chemo treatments. When I told them I accepted myself and didn't want a wig, they came out and told me THEY couldn't accept it. My own family is embarrassed of me over something I can't control. FML
Today, I went to retrieve my sneakers that my wife made me leave outside the door of our hotel room. Somebody had shat in one of them. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
