Today, I took my girlfriend for what I thought would be a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride. We didn't expect the horse to die in the middle of it. FML
Today, my anxiety got so bad that when I stole a sword in Skyrim and resisted arrest, I had a full-on panic attack as I ran away. I ended up curling up on the sofa as my character got hacked to death on the TV. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML
Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML
Today, my parents gave me fat burner pills for my birthday. FML
Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I closed my book, I was so tired that I thought that my cat was asking me questions in Spanish. FML
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
Today, my family got into a massive argument about whether or not battery-operated toothbrushes are considered electric toothbrushes. Everyone is in their own room and refuses to talk to each other. FML
Today, I found out my Nan passed away. My boyfriend came over to comfort me, things got intimate and we ended up having sex. After he came, he chuckled to himself and said, "That one's for you, Nan". FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend and all of our friends have begun referring to the time I was meant to lose my virginity, but couldn't get hard, as "The Cheese Stick Incident." They all think it's hilarious, and the worst part is that it's actually a pretty appropriate description. FML
Today, my boyfriend slept with my sister. "Accidentally", apparently. FML
Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML
Today, I tried to manscape with some Nair. Nothing helps the pain. FML
Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. The guy who picked up sounded drunk, told me to fuck off, and hung up. FML
Today, my Breaking Bad-obsessed boyfriend actually used the phrase "I am the one who cocks" during foreplay. My vagina just about turned into a desert on the spot. FML
Today, hours after being turned down for sex, I woke up to my boyfriend sitting at the computer, jacking off to a picture of my deceased mom. FML
Today, I was awoken by the sound of my pet lizard eating my other pet lizard. FML
Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML
Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "Zoinks". FML
Today, apparently when you tell a hairdresser, "A little off the sides," they hear, "A bowl cut please, and make it look extra stupid." FML
Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that blood-filled deer ticks can look a lot like black jelly beans. FML
Today, I got the most tear-jerking comment so far about my severe stutter. While I was talking to my neighbor, his little brother interrupted and asked me if I was possessed by a demon. FML
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