Today, I was at Goodwill and I saw my bike, which was stolen from me a couple of weeks ago. It was a gift that my mom gave me for my birthday. The bike was being sold for 65 dollars. I had to buy it. FML
Today, while volunteering at a senior care center, I witnessed a woman begin to remove her trousers. Then she began tearing apart her diaper. She then began to explore her body. I was unable to stop her. FML
Today, my 10-year-old son told me that sometimes he wishes that he could be a girl, so that he could masturbate more easily in public. FML
Today, my friends gave me a complete makeover, which included clothes from their wardrobe, to prepare me for an upcoming job interview. I was then declined the position, because apparently, I "looked too wealthy" to need the job. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend of two years that he was my first kiss. His reply? I was the first person he ever whacked off to. FML
Today, I was draining the water from my fishbowl out into the kitchen sink. The fish was still in it and decided to go with the flow, literally, right into the garburator. I was too scared to stick my hand down there to save it; instead I panicked and turned the garburator on. FML
Today, I got home from work to I find my cash box open and empty. My mom walked up and said, "If you have a lock that easy to pick, you don't deserve the money." There was 650 dollars in there. She refuses to give it back. FML
Today my college professor told me that I ask him too many questions. Apparently, my college tuition fee doesn't include learning. FML
Today, I lied and told my friends I was a compulsive liar. Well, I think I lied. FML
Today, I came to the unsettling realisation that the 2XL jacket that was originally 3 sizes too big for me is now a perfect fit. FML
Today, I have no close friends, only "people I know and occasionally talk to." I have no idea how I got here, and how to re-socialize back. FML
Today, I got way too bored and stoned, so I created a Tinder profile named "Covid" with a picture of the Coronavirus and a funny description. I'd never had so many matches. FML
Today, I met my paternal grandparents for the first time, since my dad was never in my life and my mom wouldn’t talk about him. According to them, I have at least 28 other siblings from him, and who knows how many that haven’t come forward. No wonder my mom always hated him. FML
Today, I was sitting in class when I overheard a group talking about how much they don't like me. When they saw me there, they burst out laughing. FML
Today, I came home after being stuck in traffic needing to pee really badly. When I went to the bathroom, my boyfriend was on the toilet. I couldn't hold it longer, so I went into the woods behind our house and found a bush. Relieving myself, my butt started to itch. I was sitting in Poison Ivy. FML
Today, my dad tried to convert me, as he has numerous times before, and asked me why I was an atheist. After giving him a polite explanation and asking him if we could drop the subject, he nodded slowly and said, "You must be menstruating or something. You'll change your mind." FML
Today, I had to drive all the way across town to clean my grandfather's toilet for him. FML
Today, my boyfriend came out of the closet. In the middle of us having sex. FML
Today, I argued with my mom that I deserved enough independence to ride my bike to school. Halfway there, I realized I was so out of shape that I had to call her for a ride. FML
Today, I finally got my car back after it was in the auto shop for a week. On my way home, I started swerving all over the road. It turns out they didn't tighten the lug nuts on one of my wheels properly. FML
Today, I came home to find a man standing in my living room. Since my mom texted me that her new boyfriend would be coming over, I just assumed it was him. I introduced myself, made us some coffee and I went to my room to study. When I went downstairs after a while, the TV was missing. FML
Today, my year and a half old daughter has discovered the joy of temper tantrums. She is now throwing them constantly. Everywhere. Anytime. FML
Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML
Today, while taking a rather large crap, I sent my sister a joking text saying, "I'm shitting my ass inside out." Turns out I sent it to my entire list of contacts. FML
Today, my professor gave me a huge lecture in front of the class about showing up sick, about how I was endangering the lives of other students, and kicked me out of class. As I left, everyone applauded. I'm not sick, but suffering for horrible allergies. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I are so close that we both describe our poops in detail to each other. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. FML
Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend, trying to prove to him that I was stronger. I did. He started crying. He then broke up with me because he couldn't be in a relationship in which his girlfriend was stronger than him. FML
Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML
Today, I found out that the 19-year-old I've been seeing is really 26, with two kids and a pregnant fiancée. I'm only 17. FML
Today, during my work shift, my car got stolen and I had to walk home on the rain. While I was walking home, my stolen car drove by. FML
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