Tallahassee, United States 27 years-old
Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML
Today, I attended my school's special invitation-only awards ceremony, relieved that I was getting a much-needed scholarship. I watched all my friends go up and win scholarships. In the end, I only got a certificate for doing well on the PSAT. My whole family showed up for this. FML
Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML
Today, after months of Tinder-ing, first dates and being rejected, I finally was able to hook up with a girl. We met, we kissed, we danced and I took her back to my place. She then promptly tried to make out with my roommate. FML
Today, I found out everyone in my neighborhood thinks that I'm a beaten woman due to the reoccurring ambulances in front of my house at night. My kid just chokes on everything, and they don't believe me. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about the difference between the U.S. and Canada when she asked me if they have their own government. She wasn't sure if they were governed by the U.S. or if they didn't have a government at all. She's a 33-year-old college graduate. FML
Today, my mother-in-law became my boss. FML
Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML
Today, I set my cup of coffee down on the stall floor to take care of my business. A hand reached under the stall door and took my coffee. I yelled to give it back, calling them obscene names. Moments later, my fresh coffee came flying over the door. I'm burned from my head to my legs. FML
Today, my roommate came home after a night of heavy drinking and started urinating on my bed. When I confronted him, he just slurred, "Sorry, thought it was my bed." FML
Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML
Today, I got several angry messages on Facebook, demanding to know how I could cheat on my wife. They didn't believe me when I said I had no idea what they meant. Turns out my wife made a sarcastic post about my "new mistress". She was talking about Fallout 4. FML
Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML
Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML
Today, I found out my coworker was arrested for beating the crap out of his wife. I gave him a serious pep talk yesterday where I told him to stop taking her shit and start standing up for himself. FML
Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend. He gazed at me, stroked my cheek, and said, "Christ, you really need something for this acne." FML
Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML
Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML
Today, I had whiplash after my dad and I were rear ended by a suburban. Despite the state trooper saying I should go, my dad delayed taking me to the ER because he wanted to pick up the dog from "doggy daycare" and take her for a nice long walk, while I waited for my mom to come home. FML
Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML
Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML
Today, something must be wrong with me. Last night, my dick went limper than overcooked spaghetti while in my wife's mouth, yet today I popped a massive boner that you could hammer nails with, while cutting the grass. FML
Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML
Today, my neighbor called me a lucky bastard and said he heard me getting my wife off last night. I was too ashamed to admit the sounds he was referring to were from my 17-year-old daughter after a wasp flew through her bedroom window. FML
Today, I spent half an hour trying to convince my husband not to re-enact a video he saw online of a guy tying some rope to a running chainsaw, then swinging it around his head. He finally agreed not to do something so stupid. A few hours later, he did it anyway. FML
Today, I went clothes shopping. I took my little daughter into the dressing room while I tried some clothes on. She somehow managed to open the door while I was changing. A lady outside then bitched me out for "exposing" myself to her kids. FML
Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML
Today, HR sent a review email to me asking me to anonymously tell them about my boss. I decided to use this opportunity to tell them what a dick he was. I printed off the review, filled it out, then scanned and emailed it to myself. Or so I thought. Turns out I'd sent the review to my boss. FML
Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML
Today, my extremely religious grandmother disowned me for watching Supernatural. FML
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