Mr Charles Town, WV, USA 39 years-old Single
Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML
Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML
Today, I was crossing back over the Mexico-US border. My mother-in-law got out of the car to go to the bathroom, since traffic was horrible. Two hours of worrying sick later, turns out she crossed the border without telling me. FML
Today, my new futon mattress arrived. Upon laying it out on the frame, I realized IKEA has whack bed sizings. When I went to return the mattress for a queen, they informed me a queen mattress wouldn't be here until sometime next week. I already threw out my old crappy mattress. FML
Today, I cringed at a memory of 5-year-old me going to restaurants I was brought to and stealing tip money because I thought it was free. I got to watch a kid do the same thing to me. Oh, sweet karma. FML
Today, it's the second day of being in Estonia with my boyfriend and his mom, visiting their family. I don't know much Estonian, but I can say short words and phrases. My boyfriend later informed me I've been mispronouncing "Thank you," and actually saying "Help me." I was wondering why people have been laughing. FML
Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML
Today, after 6 months away, I came home to find out my mom has essentially untrained my dog by spoiling him rotten. She has, however, taught him to fart on command. FML
Today, I went to visit my best friend at her house. I saw her five year-old brother playing in the front yard, and as I walked up to the door he shouted, "Boobs are here! Boobs are here!" FML
Today, my husband finally broke our two-month dry spell. I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that it had been two months or that he's horrible at sex. FML
Today, unfortunately, my new husband's idea of foreplay is to tap me on the shoulder and tell me to roll over. I saved myself for marriage for this? FML
Today, I biked to the lake. And by "to" I mean "into". With my phone in my jacket and my laptop in my backpack. FML
Today, thanks to puberty, I have an acne rash around my mouth. Rumors are already flying around school saying I have herpes. FML
Today, I was told to rub in my sunscreen because I looked like a ghost. I wasn't wearing any. I'm just that white. FML
Today, I was laying on a couch with my dog watching TV when I heard my dog fart. I looked at her, she looked at me and started waving her tail, blowing it into my direction. FML
Today, I got lost in Darkfall Passage in Skyrim and got so frustrated I turned off the game and cried. Thank you pregnancy hormones. FML
Today, I'm studying abroad in Japan. For the first time, I had to ride the train home from school alone. My host sister told me which train and the time it left. I sat down on the train, feeling proud of myself when I realized she didn't tell me what stop was ours, and I barely speak Japanese. FML
Today, after giving a potential employee a drug test and instructing her to leave her urine sample in the bathroom, she not only brought it into the office, she spilled it on the front desk. FML
Today, I bought my mother an expensive TV she had been looking at. After I bought it, she continued browsing for more stuff. I told her I couldn't afford the extra items. She got mad and called me "selfish". FML
Today, I found out that whenever my roommate's friend-with-benefits comes over, he uses my bikini trimmer to shave his pubic hair. I've been using that trimmer for months. FML
Today, I finally got my fussy newborn back to sleep after the creaking of my chair woke her. I then crept two rooms over and opened a pack of chips, the crinkle of which woke her again. FML
Today, my dad told my mom to hurry up or they'd miss the start of their concert. She said, "I'm coming, I'm coming…" and without thinking, I blurted out, "That's what she said." They're super religious, and I'm now grounded till January. FML
Today, while at a restaurant, my date shat himself. He spent the entire meal pretending nothing had happened. FML
Today, after finally growing my curly hair down to shoulder length, I decided to get it styled for a dinner date. The stylist rolled up the barrel brush on my head and it got stuck. Hello, pixie cut. FML
Today, an elderly patient complained because I used the words "vaginal" and "breast". I work at an OB-GYN's office. FML
Today, a customer tried to return some pricey lingerie. She said she didn't have the packaging, but had never worn them. The skidmark I accidentally touched begged to differ. FML
Today, I found a "White Power" bumper sticker on the back of my car. I don't know what idiot thought it'd be funny to put it there, but now my neighbors think I'm a proud racist. FML
Today, I finally finished a gruelling shift at the hospital. I hadn't slept in over 30 hours, so I was happy to get out. I was quickly rushed back in after I collapsed in the parking lot and cracked my head open. FML
Today, after a long day at work, I walked into my room with the lights off and jumped on my bed. At least I would've if I haven't rearranged my room and instead face-planted onto my desk. FML
Today, after months of trying to make my girlfriend orgasm, she finally did. It was with my brother. I'll definitely knock next time. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
