Mr Charles Town, WV, USA 39 years-old Single
Today, I learned why my bathroom has a horrible, seemingly irremovable stench. My cat doesn't squat to pee like a normal cat. She stands up, peeing over the side of the litter tray all over the wall and floor, which are now a permanent yellow tinge. FML
Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML
Today, I woke up to find my garage broken into and my car covered in paint and the words "Fuck you." Why? I broke up with my ex because she cheated on me and stole money off me and my mom. Apparently this wasn't a good enough excuse to break her up with her. FML
Today, after spending about 5 years to go back to school, get my life together and get a real job, I now make about $100 less a month. I used to work as a dishwasher. FML
Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML
Today, I was doing homework in my room when my roommate started meowing all of a sudden. Not only was he meowing, he started to make loud cat noises that resembled a cat being run over by a car. He's gonna be my roommate for the rest of the year. FML
Today, I found my boyfriend of two years is a wanted man in the state of Texas, and was living under a fake identity for the past three years. What is he wanted for? Rampant identity theft. FML
Today, I ran into the living room when I heard the smoke alarm going off. Turns out, my friend thought it was a good idea to melt a plastic cup on my floor heater. He also thought the best way to put it out was to urinate on it. My house smells like burnt pee. FML
Today, I learned just how much change a toddler can stuff in to a Nintendo Wii. I also learned that those things are put together with special screws. FML
Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put $1000 on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The receipt with the 14-digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado. FML
Today, I finished my position paper for my social studies class and read it to my mom to get her opinion on it. After I'm done reading it, she asks me if I copied it from somewhere because it sounded very professional and smart, and it didn't sound like me. FML
Today, I snuck out of work 2 hours early. As I was speeding away so I wouldn't be seen, I rear-ended my boss as he was leaving the lower parking lot for a late lunch. FML
Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML
Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. It turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an ad for a Siamese cat. FML
Today, I received my first Valentine's day present ever: a dead mouse from my cat. FML
Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML
Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML
Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML
Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML
Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML
Today, I bullied a kid at school, just so someone would talk to me. FML
Today, I rear-ended a car while I was texting about the accident ahead which was causing all the traffic. FML
Today, after about a month with no sex, my girlfriend told me to come up to her room and began kissing me passionately. She got me down to my underwear before informing me that she had Spanish homework left. To make things better, upon finishing up, she went straight to sleep. FML
Today, my cat brought yet another chipmunk into our house. She never kills them, so they stay in our house until we either capture them or they escape. So far, she's brought in three squirrels, four chipmunks, four mice, and a snake. FML
Today, I just realized the harder my girlfriend comes during sex, the louder she snores after. I've tried earplugs but sometimes, like tonight, once I am up, I can't fall back to sleep. My choices are thus great sex and no sleep, or great sleep but no sex. FML
Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML
Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML
Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML
Today, I dislocated my shoulder. How? I went to a party with some friends and they each bet me $20 I couldn't lick my elbow. I guess I proved them wrong. FML
Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML
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