Today, I was playing GTA4 and went on its fake dating site to email a girl to go on a date with. I've never had much luck with dating in real life, so I figured the game would be more kind to me. After a while I went back to check my email, and the fake girl I'd propositioned told me to get lost. FML
Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML
Today, I went to the hair salon to cut 6 inches off my hair. When I got there, I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date, I asked if he noticed anything different about me, the first thing he said was, "I see you got rid of your mustache." FML
Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over, I walked around cleaning up the trash. I saw a card sitting on the table, along with a note to my mom saying, "Better luck with this one." At the moment I'm an only child, and the card was from my grandmother. FML
Today, due to the cold, windy weather, I decided to wear my brand-new cute (and expensive) jacket that has a faux-fur hood. As I walked down the street, numerous PETA members attacked me with red liquid. I'm a Vegan and an animal-rights activist. FML
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to Super Glue a couple of quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML
Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML
Today, my friend PayPal-ed me some money to tide me over until my school loans come through. For a transaction description, he wrote, "To get back in that pussy game." It got red flagged, and I had to talk with three female customer service agents before it went through. FML
Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent, causing the girl to scream and run away. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML
Today, my girlfriend was upset, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her how much I love her and how beautiful she is. After a minute, her face started to light up. I thought it had worked until I realized that she was being cheered up by the friends she was talking to online. FML
Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML
Today, I discovered a bunch of emails from my old account that weren't forwarded to my new one. Because of this, I missed a job offer, as well as all the emails from my long-distance boyfriend asking if he could visit. I still don't have a job, and I broke up with him because he "failed to communicate." FML
Today, my girlfriend's family came over and I thought it would be fun to watch old family videos of when I was a kid. A few minutes into my fifth birthday party, I excused myself and went to grab some snacks for everyone. I returned to realize I had recorded porn over my family videos. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She greeted us holding a baby, and I told her how cute her son was. She told me that it was her grandson. Turns out my boyfriend is the father. We're 16. FML
Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML
Today, it's Saturday night, and also Halloween. Instead of going out, I'm sitting at home on MSN telling everyone who asks me what I'm doing tonight that I'm 'going out in 10 minutes to a party', then when 10 minutes pass, I block them. FML
Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML
Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently, her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me, because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother, who didn't bother telling her who I was, because he "wanted to see what she would do." FML
Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML
Today, I hit a deer. The worst part? Papa deer saw me hit mama deer, and proceded to ram into my car. FML
Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML
Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years confessed that he was sleeping with me and 5 other girls while we first started dating. He told me he numbered us and rolled a die to see which one he would date. I guess I won. FML
Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML
Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML
Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML
Today, I updated my Facebook status to "It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood." My cousin, seeing the status, failed to pick up on the sarcastic humor. She called all my family members and tell them that I was pregnant. Including my husband in Iraq. FML
Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML
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