Denham Springs, US 26 years-old Single
Today, I can confirm that at 85 and 87 years old, it is indeed possible to have a sex life. Grandpa, grandma, thank you for having dispelled my doubt. FML
Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML
Today, I'm dating a guy who's back hair is longer than his dick. FML
Today, I finally had the guts to tell my mom about her boyfriend hitting on me. Not only did she not care, but she got mad at me. I'm 15. FML
Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML
Today, I was driving to work, following my girlfriend's car. I looked down to change the radio station and felt a large bump. I rear-ended my girlfriend. FML
Today, my music students began a lively debate about whether or not a music stand would make a good weapon for the zombie apocalypse. What am I teaching them? FML
Today, I was cleaning out the cabinets under my kitchen sink and I farted with such force that my dog thought someone was knocking at the door. FML
Today, in physics class, my teacher was messing around with an air cannon and I accidentally blurted out, "Blow me!" It took me all of 5 seconds to realize why everyone was laughing. FML
Today, I shaved my lady bits for the first time to surprise my husband, who I haven't seen in months due to deployment. I ended up with razor burn and my dim-witted husband believes I cheated on him and that it's an STD. Nothing will tell him otherwise. FML
Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML
Today, I found out why the rent is so cheap in my new house. Apparently the previous tenants violated their lease by keeping illegal exotic pets. They responded to fines and eviction by letting all the animals loose in the basement, like the (admittedly gorgeous) albino cobra I found curled on my laundry. FML
Today, I saw a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then put it back on the shelf. FML
Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML
Today, after smoking, I sat down to watch Supernatural with my young cousin. I accidentally let out a burp during a demonic possession scene and, to our surprise, smoke came out of my mouth. Now there's a crying 11-year-old hiding somewhere in the house with salt. Mom will be home in 5 minutes. FML
Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML
Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML
Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML
Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
Today, I got a call informing me that my 16-year-old daughter had been arrested for shoplifting jewellery. Trying to look on the bright side, I assumed it was for my birthday that is coming up in a few days. Nope. It was a "Thank you" gift. For her drug dealer. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML
Today, I spent the first night in my new home as a first-time homeowner. I was relaxing and enjoying the feeling of having my own space when I reached over to get my glasses and came back with a cockroach. FML
Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML
Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right inside my mouth. My tongue got stung. FML
Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me by getting his mum to message me on Facebook. I got the message while I was packing for an overseas trip to visit him. FML
Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML
Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML
Today, my parents finally took me driving after months of me having my permit. I got yelled at for asking questions. I only needed to know which way they wanted me to turn on the next street after they told me to turn, but not which way. FML
Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML
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