Today, I got a wedgie after a workout class. As I was walking, I used my gym bag to discreetly unwedgie it, and then turned around to check that no one was there. The cute guy that I had a crush on last year was right behind me, and by the look on his face, it wasn't discreet. FML
Today, my dad gathers so much static electricity from almost everything that he does that I've become paranoid and scared to touch him at all. He thinks I hate him now. FML
Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML
Today, after I moved into my college dorm three days ago, my roommate is still convinced that she is a cat. FML
Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML
Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my bag of groceries was about to fall off. Exceedingly careful, I slowly brought my bike to a halt. Only at the very second I stood still did I hear the dreaded "twang" as my carrier broke, and my stuff smashed to the ground. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, saying I had a lot on my plate. She responded by throwing an empty plate at my windshield. FML
Today, I called my boss to let her know that I was suffering from severe depression and that my doctor suggested I take a month's leave. Her response? "Glad you are getting help, however we can't hold your job. No need to come to the office, we'll mail your stuff to you." FML
Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend decided to give my Cocker Spaniel a haircut. I now have the equivalent of an over-sized naked mole rat running around my house. FML
Today, I got yelled at for 10 minutes by my head of department for failing one of my students for plagiarism, because, "we can't be sure." It was my work he plagiarised, but because it's not in our system, it doesn't count. FML
Today, my dad and I were having a conversation about boneless chicken. He told me that they are raised boneless, going into detail, and I bought every word of it. Not until he started laughing did I realize how gullible I really am. I'm 22. FML
Today, I got bitten at work. Not by a patient's mouth, but by the false teeth they were holding in their hand as they clamped down on my arm. FML
Today, while paying for groceries, I opened my wallet to find that all my cash had been exchanged for Monopoly money. FML
Today, I spoiled the ending of my favorite show for my friend, so now I'm banned from watching or discussing it with them. FML
Today, I showed up to work with a hickey on my neck and found out my boss is very Christian. He wasted my entire lunch break ranting to me about how the Bible says I shouldn't be having sex before marriage. FML
Today, I found out my friend and I have the same due date and the same baby daddy. It's my boyfriend of 9 years. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to spice things up and do 69. My mom walked in on us right as we came. FML
Today, I got a badly-needed job at a local discount store. After being hired, I found out I'm to help with the soon-to-begin store closing sale, and I'll be jobless again after 3 months. FML
Today, after spending 20 minutes every day working on my abs for the last month and feeling pretty good about how they were looking, I received the first comment about them. A girl poked them and said 'squish'. FML
Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I wouldn't use $5,000 to build him a new gaming computer with my surrogate compensation, even though he basically refuses to get a job. FML
Today, I found a baby squirrel on the pavement and thought I'd try and rescue it. While I googled what to do, it started running around. I tried to grab it, but it ran straight into the path of a car. FML
Today, I got screamed at by my mom for about 10 minutes because she claims I’m ruining my diet by drinking sparkling water, claiming it’s “soda”. I had to explain that it has zero sugar, calories, etc. She told me that it’s “the same fucking shit.” And to not trust “the government food labels.” Huh? FML
Today, I accidentally poured milk into my bowl of chips. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML
Today, I rushed home to tell my parents my girlfriend had accepted my proposal. They asked how I could be so selfish at a time like this. Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is more important than their son. FML
Today, I twisted my ankle on a mole hill in front of my house. I regularly try to stomp them down so I guess this was retribution. Well played, mole. Well played. FML
Today, I went on a date with a woman. She brought along her stuffed rabbit, and introduced us. FML
Today, I'm staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML
Today, what started as a fun family Easter egg hunt turned within minutes into my mother-in-law's big chance to be a dramatic cow by screaming at my 5 and 7-year-old daughters for participating in a "vile pagan ritual" and saying that we're all going to hell. They're still bawling. FML
Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML
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