Edmonton, Canada
Today, after a week of insomnia, I finally managed to fall asleep. Thirty minutes later, my friends decided to bang on my door, yelling at me to wake up and party with them. I'm now wide awake and hallucinating from lack of sleep. FML
Today, not only did I miss my bus by seconds, I also saw the bus driver smirking as he drove past me in the middle of the Canadian winter. FML
Today, while registering at the grocery store, a customer came into my lane with a 100 piece boiled shrimp platter. Feeling hungry, I muttered, "Nom nom" under my breath. The old man called my supervisor. Apparently I called him a moron. FML
Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML
Today, I walked to school in - 5°C degree weather, snow up to ankles, for an exam. The school had closed and warned all the parents, but mine didn't tell me, because it was "funnier". FML
Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. I happen to be allergic to all types of pain medication. FML
Today, I took my two kids to a Christmas festival with a train theme. I spent $24 on conductor hats for them. When I gave them the hats, they threw them on the ground and put the red paper bags they came in on their heads. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. FML
Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML
Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML
Today, I got fired from my job. My manager found Facebook pictures of me drinking underage at a party. He said he didn't want "that kind of image" associated with the business. It was his birthday party. He supplied the booze. FML
Today, I put a sock on my dorm room door to get everyone to think I was getting laid. In truth, I'm a virgin and just wanted to take a peaceful nap. FML
Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML
Today, I was asleep on a plane. I woke up after feeling the plane jolt and I screamed at the top of my lungs. The little girl next to me told me I was a sissy. Everyone around us laughed. FML
Today, while on a six hour flight, someone offered to pay me $20 to swap seats with them. It seemed like a great deal, so I immediately accepted and moved to my new seat. I didn't realize my new neighbor was an old man with a raging boner. FML
Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML
Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML
Today, I was dry-walling a house when my butt started to itch. I bent over to scratch it on a piece of plywood, at which point the client's wife walked in and asked what the fuck I was doing. FML
Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML
Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M&M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML
Today, I got a call from my daughter’s teacher asking me to come pick her up. My daughter wouldn’t tell her what was wrong. I left an important work meeting. When I got there she stated her boyfriend broke up with her and she couldn't emotionally make it through the rest of the day. She's 5. FML
Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML
Today, I was on the phone with an elderly customer at work. I had to spend 10 minutes listening to him describe how the underwear he bought was too tight and caused his bladder to leak. FML
Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML
Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML
Today, my sister lost a leg. Immediately after hearing the news, my boyfriend started cracking jokes about getting her a job at IHOP. FML
Today, I opened my car door on reaching destination and my dog escaped. I never found him. My destination was the vet's office to get him micro-chipped. FML
Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML
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