cammielane03

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML

10 out of 10 for originality

Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML

Don't accept every dare

Today, I had to go to the hospital to get a harmonica removed from my mouth. FML

KEEP IT DOWN

Today, the hillbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 a.m. and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart. FML

Slapstick manners

Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell over. FML

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

Today, I shat a magnet. FML

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

Please, think of my family…

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

How do I put it?

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML

Today, I walked out of the store, car keys in hand, only to discover my car was missing. After a frantic search, I started to hyperventilate and a nearly had a full-blown panic attack. Then I remembered I walked to the store. I am an idiot. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend about how a few years ago I had cancer, and how I underwent radiation therapy. His response? "Did you glow in the dark?" FML

Where am I?

Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML

Today, it appears that it's Single Loser Awareness Day. FML

Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

Today, if you live in California, you might have seen a crazy drunk guy naked in front of a McDonald's, waving at everyone. Yeah, that was probably me. FML

Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML

Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML

Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML