Québec, Canada 34 years-old In a relationship
Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred, "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML
Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML
Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML
Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He's smart, attractive, and has a steady job. Imagine my surprise when he accepted. Then imagine my surprise when he followed up with, "Hah, just kidding. You're fucking BORING!" FML
Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML
Today, my sister, who has been seeing a guy for a year, got engaged. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years and let out some not so subtle hints and he basically refused to propose. This is her second marriage in the time of my relationship. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom and proudly showed me how far back he could stand from the toilet while he peed. Unfortunately, he got distracted and peed all over the floor I had mopped just an hour before. FML
Today, I was on a first date at a bar, when a girl walks over and ask me if I'm a doctor. I said yes, thinking she overheard me talking about my PhD. The girl then showed me a lump on her breast and asked what to do about it. My date then slapped me and left. FML
Today, I got yelled at by my supervisor for getting an hour of overtime yesterday. The reason I had an hour of overtime was because that same supervisor made me stay late. FML
Today, my mom said my boobs are finally getting bigger and that I've finally hit puberty. I'll be celebrating my 31st birthday next week. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to take a break. At least she gave me a parting gift. Lice. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mix it up and find a good place outdoors to have fun. After an hour of climbing up a rocky mountainside to a completely isolated clearing, out of the way of any hiking path, he was still so paranoid that he finished within 20 seconds. FML
Today, I found out that after interviewing for two jobs at great companies, I was neck and neck with one other person for each position. They both offered the job to the other person. FML
Today, my drunk boyfriend flipped out and told me I was a total control freak, and that he couldn't handle how weird and clingy I am. All I did was ask if his phone was charged. FML
Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML
Today, I was talking to my mum about how I'd quite like to have kids someday. She responded: "Well, nowadays they let singles adopt as well, don't they?" FML
Today, I had a date with a girl I've liked for a while. We went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. I was obviously going to pay, but when the bill came I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. When I told her, she thought I was a cheap liar and now she won't answer my calls. FML
Today, my mom realized that the "door" part in "screen door" doesn't block sound when she began to talk to our neighbours about how much of a failure I am. I heard everything. FML
Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML
Today, a customer asked if we stocked gluten-free water. Then she got pissed when I laughed at what I thought was her joke. FML
Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting "DON'T PINCH MY NIPPLE" at the top of her lungs in the shower. FML
Today, my religious mother found out I work at Planned Parenthood. Now everytime she sees me, she prays until I leave the room. FML
Today, after driving to three drug testing clinics that were approved for my job, each one declined me, saying they don't do testing anymore. Now I have to drive another 25 miles to see if someone will say, "You're clean." FML
Today, I spent two hours trying to catch a urine sample whilst at urgent care due to my inability to pee in public restrooms. I finally managed one, and was so excited by my success that I fumbled it and spilled it on my pants. FML
Today, I thought my knee hurt because of over exercising in the gym. Then I remembered it was because I smacked it against my chair so hard I crumbled down and couldn't move for 5 minutes. And how I remembered? I did it again. FML
Today, my new girlfriend took me on a double date with her, her best friend and her best friend's new girlfriend. Which would have been fine, if her best friend's girlfriend wasn't my recent ex. The small world of a lesbian. FML
Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in three months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML
Today, my kids overheard me talking about cleaning the fuel system in our RV before we go to Disney World. They were so eager to get there, they decided they'd clean the fuel system themselves while I was at work, namely by pouring Tide into the gas tank. FML
Today, I had to deal with yet another day of people looking at my name tag and saying "You know nothing, John Snow." with a shit-eating grin, like they're the wittiest people alive. Then I had to deal with my boss telling me to lighten up, because it's "just a joke". FML
Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML
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